


The Space Between

by Joydilouis86



Category: Kiwi - Harry Styles (Song), One Direction (Band), Walls - Louis Tomlinson (Album)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Based on Made in the AM and Harry and Louis' solo albums, C-Sec, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Identity, Grief/Mourning, Harry Has A Vagina, Harry grieves, Harry has both sex organs, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Intersex, LGBTQ Themes, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Larry end game, Lies, Loss, Louis grieves, M/M, Mpreg, Mutual Pining, Pregnant Harry, RBB & SBB, Reconciliation, Secrets, Smut, StillTheOne, Stillbirth, Suicide Attempt, Tattoos, The only canon fic I'll probably ever make so read, Top Louis Tomlinson, Top/Bottom Versatile Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Unconditional Love, Vaginal Sex, band management, but not really because, lots of freakin angst and pining, narration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-01-13 16:38:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 86,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21176135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joydilouis86/pseuds/Joydilouis86
Summary: Separated, Harry tries to hold to the good times in their past relationship but Louis cannot help but be brought back to where it all went wrong...orLouis keeps a devastating secret from Harry for years for his own good until one day he cannot keep it all in anymore. Will they survive it?orYoung Harry and Louis struggle through severe personal loss while being thrust into stardom and Louis has to keep something extremely important a secret from Harry for years.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer- This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, locations, and incidents a purely fictional and bear no relationship to any real life individuals, living or dead, or to any actual places, building establishments, locations, events, incidents. Resemblance is entirely coincidental. The characters in this fic are under no circumstance a testament of the real life persons personalities, behaviors and actions. 
> 
> Important Notes: - Every chapter consists of three time differences- present time, a flashback, and another flashback inside the flashback (kinda like the family drama This Is Us-not to be confused with the 1D documentary.) So as to alleviate confusion I will explain that:-  
* the Present time is set in June 2018 with Harry on tour and Louis working on his album #Walls in studio while trying to cope  
with his life outside the band  
* Flashbacks cover the time period of 2012[ from the time they lose their child]-2017  
* the Flashback inside the Flashback covers the time period of 2009[from the time they meet]- 2012
> 
> Other info- The title of the fic is taken the name of the timeless Dave Matthews Band song.
> 
> Each chapter has a distinct theme carried out by Harry's solo songs plus a couple of 1D songs. 
> 
> Please comment and give kudos below. Thank you for your support.
> 
> Let's see...

**12th June 2018- Harry’s tour**

Harry strummed the guitar strings to Sweet Creature, a song about Louis. He was on tour doing a concert in Nashville.

_"Sweeeet crea-ture, had another talk about where we are going wrong…"_

Harry sang with his heart on his sleeve and feelings on his vocal chords. Many couples speak about their young happy days and where it all went wrong. Harry remembered the good times but the bad times still haunted him, seeped into his tissues and poisoned his once unscathed view of the world.

_"Don't know where we’re going but we know where we belong,"_

But sweet was the one worth the pain.

Who knew his one chance at success would bring with it his one chance at happiness... perpetually… wrapped together with a world of pain?

_‘Oh we started two hearts in one home,’_

_'...But oh, Sweat creature, sweet creature, where ever I go, you bring me home.'_

Harry missed his home. One might argue he had many. One might argue his childhood home was his true home. And yes he had called it home...but that was before he met one Louis Tomlinson.

*

**Early June 2018- Louis**

_"You're a nightmare on the dancefloor. And you hate me and I want more..." _

Louis pulled the headphones off. "It's still missing something. A guitar riff or something."

Jamie the producer dropped his headphones and let out a sigh of exasperation. "Louis, how many times are we gonna change the music on this thing? Time is running out and you already told fans-"

"I know, I know. I told everyone _soon_ but I just think there is something... Let's go from the top and work through it."

Jamie put on his headphones and played with the keys to try find what Louis was looking for.

_'You're a total distraction while I'm waiting for your reaction,_

_The devil in my brain whispering my name. I can hear em sayin ah aha ah,'_

Louis worked in the Los Angeles studio on Kill My Mind- a song about him and Harry in the beginning. They were a lot in the beginning. Harry had brought out the best in him and taught him so many life lessons. He helped Louis let loose and have fun and he basically killed all the doubts and fears that would creep up in Louis' mind about himself from time to time. But now as Louis tried to finish recording the song dedicated to the good times, he found it hard to kill the doubts creeping up in his mind now without Harry to dispel them.

But just as those thoughts came, the reasons why Harry was not with him crept up as well and Louis suddenly remembered why the song isn't working. That somewhere along the way they had lost access to each other's minds.

*

**Dec. 2012**

**Harry pov**

"Get your fucking hands off my boyfriend!"

Louis ran for the ice. Zayn grabbed Harry's wrist. Glass-ball eyes orbiting around them in the label's annual party.

The press was not allowed at these things; neither were pictures allowed to be taken. Just a huge ball for the executives and artists to gallivant over success and money and pat the boys on their back for their MTV Artist of the Year win.

Eleanor stood in her aqua blue halter gown with her hair in a half up do and an embarrassed, slightly agape mouth. She clutched her purse and dress skirt as she shifted to allow Harry and Zayn to get to the nearest table.

No press. No cameras. Yet she still had to put on a show. Louis still had to sit at their table fourth from Harry and next to her. She had to laugh her way into conversation whenever he made a joke with the boys, and force him to smile with her just to be polite.

"Some very important people are going to be there and its ab-so-lute-ly imperative that you maintain an air of professionalism," Simon had said regarding her invitation. Like anything about that girl draping her bony hand all over Louis was professional.

It had escalated when a PR came over and whispered something to the two, like they were a fucking couple, and Louis had turned pale. Harry had eye-browed him curious but he looked away sad. Then the music started playing and one by one couples started crawling out on the dancefloor and as soon as Simon and his lady waltzed out, the freaking PR motioned a nod to the table from a distance away. Harry only caught it because Eleanor was looking in that direction after nudging Louis. And as if her being close enough to fucking nudge him wasn't enough, Louis got up and pulled the chair for her to get up, holding out a hand with sorry lips for her to join him on the dancefloor close to Simon.

Harry could die. Every sinew in him begged Louis inwardly to stop and sit back down. Please!

Liam and Danielle had followed, leaving Harry with Zayn, who was trying to hide his Liam-sulking under a stiff grin, and Niall, who was the only one solo for real. On the outside Harry was solo but he never considered himself that way anywhere he went with Louis, because he is with Louis at this ball, no matter what it looks like. That is his man being shimmied and shaken about by that...

So he let his rage get the better of him. He had grabbed a glass of champagne and marched over intent on throwing the contents on the bubbly princess but before he could even raise the glass his own rage had decided the glass would shatter in his insanely tight grasp.

The surprise of it made him stop in front of an aghast Louis whose gaze was on his bloody hand as he raised it to curse Eleanor.

"You know you don't have to touch him!" he cried in Zayn's arms now, after he sat him back down at the table. "You fucking whore!"

Harry tried to flay his hands, dripping blood all over Zayn's white sleeve.

"Harry! Harry! Listen to me! We have to clean this before it gets cold," Zayn said, grabbing Harry’s hand before he got blood anywhere else. “You have to calm down. We’re in a formal function with lots of executives around.”

Eleanor stood Louis-less now on the dancefloor, looking concerned and, well, embarrassed.

Liam and an assistant rushed out with a medical kit.

"Fucking whore... Fucking whore..." Harry kept drunkenly muttering as they saw to his cuts.

Louis came back, fumbling with the ice. He dropped it and started rubbing Harry's back, but he flinched.

"Don't you dare touch me! I saw you laughing with her! You laughed with her... You were laughing at me..." Harry wailed.

"No, Baby. I wasn't. I would never do that to you. Never." Louis' hands were shaking seeing all that blood.

"Then tell her to leave! Now! Tell her! I can't stand to look at her!"

Louis stooped down and his cold hands pressed his cheeks. Harry felt the shivering of them as he looked up at him. “I only see you. Ever since that day we met I only see you, Babe. She’s just someone they put as a scapegoat to make them more money. But you my darling, are the one I want to wake up with, okay? Let's go home."

*

**2009- BATTLE OF THE BANDS **

**Harry pov**

It was love at first-bump. That's what happened. That's when the sparks flew...or the pee. See Harry had just performed in battle of the bands with his band White Eskimo, and was about to take a piss when a drunk ass guy slammed into him on his way to the urinal.

A slurry "Hi" is all that came out of the way-cuter than-his-attitude guy, and as he haphazardly unzipped to do his business Harry couldn't help but steal a look at his part, snapping his head back to face front when he beheld the gigantic thing as it shot squirts of pee all over the urinal and environs.

The guy zipped up quickly and staggered on him again, this time looking at him longer, drawing in his features. Harry let out a squeaky “Oops" in response to it and realized his own private was still out despite finishing his own job. He quickly looked down to zip up and when he looked up again the guy was all the way over at the door now walking backward and smirking at him. Harry shook his head, confused, but the boy gave a pitied eyebrow and disappeared, along with Harry's heart.

He rushed out of the toilet hoping to see where he went.

"What's the hurry, lad? Your Mum waiting home to hear how you got beat?’

Harry swirled around and fixed his eyes on the drunk boy. He sat on the concrete lift next to the toilet building, beanie cupping his ears. Oh right… Now in the mid-afternoon light, Harry recognized him as the lead singer of the band that had just won the competition.

“I don’t recall you gave congratulations?” the boy gibbered. “Where’s your sportsmanship?”"

"I believe I said congratulations to your other band members," Harry snapped, brows low. The boy looked at him through quivery lips that looked like they were looking for something smart to reply with.

"What's your name, friend?" he seemed to change his mind and ask, unwrapping the paper and popping the gum in his mouth. Not that Harry wanted but he was so rude not to offer.

"Harry," he answered, clutching his arms as he noticed there wasn't another soul the back here.

"So, Arry, where are you from?" the boy chewed away loudly, mouth open. So rude.

"Holmes- Chapel," Harry stuttered. He had to look away from the way the boy was licking his lips at him with sucked in cheeks.

The boy jumped off the wall and Harry flinched. Why the hell did he just stand there like an idiot. What if this guy beats him up and his friends come out from hiding and helped him?

The boy dug into his pocket and slapped a piece of paper in Harry's hand. He was scared to look at it instead of minding the boy's next actions, which were to move within an inch of his face and ask; "I saw you lookin’ at my junk, are you a fanny boy?"

Harry twisted his face and moved his head in a tilt. "No!"

The boy then seemed to be reading him like a book, then he burst into a bright smile. "That's my cell number. Call me when you're ready to congratulate me properly."

Harry looked at the paper. Louis. The pretty-eyed boy's name was-

Then just like that, Harry was being yanked by his collar into a kiss. The boy moved semi-slow and intense, like the way his boss, Mr. Carter, kneaded his bread dough. Harry could taste the bubble gum on the tip of his tongue. His new favorite thing.

He grabbed the boy's wrist, beckoning for more, pushing politely for a deeper kiss.

The kiss ended and the boy pulled away, delicate palm smoothing off the underside of Harry's chin.

"Call me," he said with a sly smile, and scampered away like a cat chasing after a butterfly.

*

**2010**

**\- X FACTOR AUDITIONS**

**Louis pov**

Louis and his sisters woke early to prepare for his audition. He lived a good distance from London and had to spend the night in a hotel in order to have a chance to make it in time. Thousands of hopefuls from all over the country and beyond were going to be there and if Louis wanted to see the inside of the X Factor building he had to be there early.

His parents made it into a family trip and he even got to take Stan, his best friend along for extra support.

After a quick but hearty breakfast, Louis threw on his outfit and admired himself in the mirror of the small hotel room. Stan looked on from behind him. “Something’s missing.”

Louis fussed. “I knew it. My hair is too long. Think we could cut it quick?”

Stan clutched his heart, fake-gasping. “Don’t you dare! Your hair’s not the problem.”

Rubbing his chin in thought, Stan dashed over to his suitcase. Pulling out a long dad-tie, he only had time to throw it around his best friend’s shoulders and make a loose knot when Lottie strode in with her white sneakers strapped with multi-colored lacing.

“Louis, help please.”

Stan made a move to tie them. “No! I want Louis to do it!”

“Fine, suit yourself!” he snapped back.

Letting out a growl, Louis flew over and tied it quickly. "I don't have time for this, Lotts! I taught you a thousand times how to do this."

His mother stuck her head in the doorway. "Fix your tie, Louis!"

"Mum, that's the style now. Everyone wears it like this!" he called after she had already disappeared running off to see what the twins were arguing about in the next room.

"Omg, we gotta go now!" Fizzy popped her head in.

"I haven't even had time to practice my vocals!" Louis darted into the hallway.

"You'll kill it, Louis," his stepdad, Mark said getting off the bottom bunk bed. He was all dressed and ready to go but had been relaxing watching as the others frenzied around.

"Yeah, Avril Lavigne here is gonna do a Killers song. Again." Lottie tried to fix her brother's tie.

He batted her hands away.

Jay marched out, the twins in toe. "It doesn't matter what he sings. He's gonna be great. Come on, let's go!"

Stan hooked his digital camera around his neck and they were all out the door.

And that was the chaos that transpired whenever Louis prepared to audition for something, or perform somewhere.

His family was supportive beyond words and cheered him on to the point of sore throats but this was no mere TV show or band competition. Auditioning for the X Factor was serious business.

*

A while later Louis stood in the waiting area watching the show's camera men go through the crowd. His mother took his hand and led him and his sisters to a shed area to eat the sandwiches she got them. And just as Louis sat and unwrapped his, he heard a voice.

"Um- your shoelace is untied."

He looked down and his laces were intact but his little sister next to him pulled her foot up on her lap, and hers were loose again.

Louis looked up to thank the observant guy, and saw a pair of green staring at him. The eyes widened as he stared back at them. Then he blinked.

"’Arry?"

"’Arry!?" Lottie repeated, head snapping up as she pulled her rainbow lacing together.

"Hi," the boy standing in front of them answered.

Lottie looked up. "Oh, hello, ‘Arry. What are you doing for auditions?"

Louis gulped. Harry. It's been a year and the boy hadn't called him. The girls had totally laughed at him when he had told them he met someone. He wanted to eat his sandwich and completely ignore him now, but then the boy smiled as bright as a camera flash in the dark, and Louis was thrust into space.

"I'm doing a Stevie Wonder song."

_Stevie Wonder? What generation did you fall out of?_

"I'm number 165998," the head of auburn curls told Lottie. "Where's your number?"

_Yeah, Harry. Where is my number?_ Louis thought coldly, hitching a sigh. _Did you lose it?_

Lottie let out a high pitched squeal. "I'm too young to audition! I'm actually here for my brother, Louis. He's the real Zac Efron of the family."

"Lotts!?" Louis complained. "Mum, tell her to sod off!"

Just then, a towering boy came and slung his arms around Harry. "Harry, get a load of this- A girl just came out of there screaming bloody murder,” the boy gestured to the X Factor entrance. “She said Simon told her she sounds like a thirsty cow!"

The boy was amused when he said it, but Louis noticed Harry go white with a sudden burst of anxiety. Louis shrugged. He sure as hell wasn't afraid of that old twat. The amazing Katy Perry was there so he already had a plan to focus the charm on her. He just hoped his gay ass could pull it off because there was no way he was going home crying this year.

"Oh, this is my cousin, Joshua," Harry apologised. Joshua nodded.

"And this is my very good friend, Stan,” Louis said, sounding a bit competitive, pulling Stan by the collar. “He came all the way to support me."- Stan gave a sailor’s salute.

"Nice to meet you,” Harry smiled at the burly boy. “My sister's here as well. Around here somewhere." He scanned around.

"Well, good luck there," Louis chirped with a small smile. "Besides, I've seen you perform before," - Fizzy and Lottie gasped- "If you're anything like that today, you won't be needing it. You're definitely getting through."

The boy’s cheeks rose and Louis saw two huge dips appear in the sides of them, something Louis never imagined in all the times he'd daydreamed about meeting him again. It exceeded even the wildest expectations.

“A picture?” Lottie suggested to Stan, her chin pointing to Harry. Stan lifted his camera and motioned for the three boys to move closer.

Then from somewhere in the distance, the director called another number inside, and Louis closed his mouth. He had suddenly realized his smile had lingered stupidly after the picture was taken.

Okay focus, he mantra-ed, throwing a wary eye on the boy. He was distracting, and Louis was here to win.

*

**Dec. 2012**

**Louis pov**

**Later that night…**

Harry sobbed on Louis' lap in the back seat of the car all the way home. He gently stroked his hair while looking out the window.

He fought back the stinging in his eyes. Why did a life like theirs have to be so fucking hard? As if they weren't already trying against bone to pick up their pieces and go on as it is. As if they weren't already struggling to breathe without the stunts.

At home, he walked him to their room and turned the boy to face him. He knew it was outrageous what Harry did but he did not blame him at all. He near wanted to do the same two weeks ago when Harry had to be papped with Taylor for the first time. He was downright jealous when everyone started murmuring and striking up twitter conversations about HAYLOR.

Alone now, he pressed his scorching pelvis into him, making him move backward. He could feel Harry's calf hit the mattress edge.

"I love you. Let me show you how much." Louis kissed his forehead and started fumbling with his jeans. "Let me love you."

Grabbing Louis' waist for anchor, Harry diverted out from the pinned position and talked with his back turned.

"No! It's too soon," he said remorsefully. And Louis just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. A loud sob escaped him and he quickly shut it with a slap to his mouth.

After quickly excusing himself to the bathroom, he shut the door and put on the shower. He hated bathroom echoes. He hated that Harry was probably listening to him be a child about this. He hated himself for being so selfish. Of course Harry couldn't be intimate right now. He can't control his body, his feelings, or lack thereof, but despite Louis trying hard to be a better boyfriend getting more matching tattoos on Harry’s insistence to seal their love and make Harry’s heart happy despite Eleanor being around, he got a meltdown and Louis got nothing.

He took a shower and came back out and saw Harry on the bed covered from the waist down in the plush blanket, bare-chested.

"Do you want to come to bed?" he said, swishing his bandaged hand over Louis' side of the bed.

Louis nodded and crawled into bed. Lying on his side to face Harry, he shoved his arm under his pillow, elbow filling up the space between them.

Harry turned to face him and asked, ever so tentatively; "Do you still want to try?"

Louis let out a surprised breath, nodding. Harry lifted the covers for Louis to come under and he saw his nakedness waiting beneath.

His boxers slid off his hips and he got only one leg out, desperate to climb on top of the boy.

"Louis, wait," he heard Harry say in a muffle but his greedy fingers were already spreading out the lips around his hole. Way past time for foreplay, he pushed in as Harry lightly sobbed.

Louis started fucking him but not too hard. It had been six months since it happened. His desires were well overdue. 

"Louis.” He felt Harry go rigid as he picked up the pace, face buried in his neck, whimpering.

"No, no. Don't do this now," he managed to say through his moans. "I need this."

It felt so good moving inside him again. It was as if nothing had changed. Except maybe he felt sweeter, tighter. His tip was in ecstasy rubbing on his firm wall as his cheeks brushed his awesome smelling hair.

"Just let me come, please? Please?" Louis rutted.

He lifted himself and kissed him while fucking him, and when he came up for air he saw the pained look behind the tears on his face and all of a sudden...he hated Harry. He hated him for allowing him to enter him in the first place.

Louis pulled out, mid-orgasm, and dived into the bathroom again, slamming the door.

He turned the shower back on but didn't get in this time, he just sat his sweaty, naked bum on the cold tile in front of the toilet bowl and screamed into his towel.

After forever minutes he came out with puffy eyes and a sore throat and stuffy nose. He saw Harry's body awkwardly tilted over on his side of the bed. Now in one of Louis sweaters, a dark one, he lay on his side of the bed but had turned his upper body into Louis' spot, his cut hand dangling out weirdly. He was uncontrollably sniffling so he wasn't sleeping. But he didn't move when Louis opened the door so... Another night of nothing. That's all he ever gets now.

Well, a little more than nothing this time.

He pulled back on his boxers and crawled into bed- Harry's vaginal juice still dried up on his cock- and lay himself on the tiny space available on Harry's side of the bed.

He fell asleep, wanting to make the usual pain, and the new one on Harry's hand go away.

\--

**2010**

**X Factor Bootcamp**

**Harry pov**

Harry sang a verse of a song his mother sang to his sister in one of her baby tapes, and three days later he was bouncing clumsily into dance rehearsals.

Brian, the instructor, was winding his body and snapping back like a crocodile in demonstration of the choreography with all the guys copying or trying to copy his movements. Harry fell in and tried to grasp as quickly as he could. A couple of guys he knew from auditions said hi and he sank into familiarity enough to relax and get comfortable with the music.

"And…FREESTYLE!" Brian shouted over the hall.

An hour in and Harry started to feel faint. His hips cramped and he was sickeningly moist and hot. He walked off the dancefloor and headed to the bathroom where he doused his face in cold water. As he came back up to look in the mirror, a thin wet line ran down his inner thigh, and his face twisted at his reflection.

Shit! He darted into a stall and dragged a sheet of toilet paper out a good few plies, pulling down his pants underwear to sit on the seat.

He immediately wanted to hurl at the bloody sight before him.

"No, no, no! This is not happening."

Harry hadn't gotten his period in months. He was beginning to think it was gone for good -much to his liking- but why now? Why here of all places? He needed to pass X Factor Boot Camp and get into Judges’ Houses.

"Couldn't you wait till the dance part of this was over?” he asked his body.

He couldn't help but involuntarily sob as he passed the toilet paper on his underwear noticing that blood had already gone through to his three - quarters. As if his fucked up body wasn't already killing his social life, it had to embarrass him to top it off.

He stuffed a bunch of toilet paper in his crotch before putting back on the pat-dried clothes and sneaking away quick to his dorm.

Once there, he quickly changed and put on a real pad, cursing his slowly creeping cramps.

Muffling up the dirty clothes in a ball, he moved basketball style between the laundry bag and the garbage can, deciding split second to just dump it. All of it, sweatshirt too. Quickly popping an ibuprofen pill while stifling a sob, he hurried back to rehearsals.

\--

On arriving in the humid gym, he saw Louis leaning against the back wall, busy chatting with a boy he made friends with. He hadn't spoken to him since that first day and the boy seemed oblivious to him as he yapped away, on foot back on the wall.

Harry tried to fall back into the routine, and accepted help from a couple of guys who not-so-perfectly showed him what he missed. It wasn't long before Harry noticed one of the guys was being overly friendly and a little too touchy-feely for his liking but he didn't want to seem rude by moving away so he tried to laugh it off and dance but then the guy was moving in again and Harry -fight or flight? Flight - was squealing and shooting for the wall where Louis was.

When Harry came hurtling their way, Louis rolled his eyes and sprung off the wall, moving to the other side of the boy and away from Harry, who tried to shrug off the rejection by making light conversation with the tall boy.

But for some reason he still wanted to talk to Louis, so lunchtime he took his sandwich and sought him out.

Harry spotted Louis on the grass on the left side of the building where most hung out to eat. He was sitting with his friend from earlier but as Harry tentatively approached he saw the guys lunch disappeared in his mouth and his wrapping paper scrunch up in his hand as he got up and shot for the dorms. He sighed seeing good opportunity to go mingle.

Louis shot him a glare and brow as he neared, and he didn't know why but he sat anyway.

"Those moves are so hard I think I remember only one from the whole set," he said opening his sandwich and making conversation.

Louis didn't answer. He just bit away at his cucumber.

"So, my family left until deliberations. I see your whole family is still here?"

"Yeah, they're sticking it to the very end,” the boy said impassively, a touch of annoyance. “My sisters are excited about it."

"You're sister, Lottie, said you auditioned last year?"

Louis brow twitched closer together for a fraction of a second, and Harry grew scared he would snap at him. "Yep."

Harry breathed a mental sigh of relief that he didn’t shoo him away, and decided to go on and risk the rapport he was building with him. "That was after battle of the bands. Is that what prompted you to audition?"

Louis lowered his lunch and looked him dead in the eye. "I auditioned because everyone told me I was really good at Battle of the Bands. Better than the guy whose green eyes made me lose concentration and falter in my singing and made me search the whole crowd for a pen to write him my number. My friends said I should audition and win the X Factor and say to him in a future interview 'Look what you made me do. Bet you're slapping yourself thinking you should have called me when you had the chance.'"

The boy paused then, and Harry realised the honey mustard was growing bitter on his tongue, since he had stopped chewing during that whole bit.

"You didn't call me," Louis said after a while, the in his tone clear as day now. "If I had taken your number I would have called. But you had mine and you didn't call, so we're done talking!" He turned his body a ninety-degree angle with the back of his shoulders facing him now and continued with his sandwich.

"Are we?" Harry fired. "Because you sound like you have a lot more to say!"

Louis whirled around and stopped. Harry felt the saline grate through his eyes as he prepared for another wave of insults. Louis gaze dashed somewhere in the vicinity of Harry’s lips causing his head to swerve to try regain eye-contact.

Which he almost immediately got; a gigantic pair of blue lagoons glowered back at him with full force. Harry was near blinded by the bright blue things as his vision moved like a cursor around his eyebrows in an effort to divert the glare; under them were moist and pulp, but above his eyebrows were creased with something unknown to Harry but still frustratingly full of wonder.

"I don't." Louis’ lips quivered shut and he got up, angrily strutting away.

\--

**Harry pov**

**The next day at rehearsals…**

"Five, six, seven, eight!" 

"I thought we had something special," Louis magically ended up in Harry's space. "I thought you'd call me and expand on that."

Harry paused his jerky dance moves, eyes widened like golf balls. They were in a room full of contestants and other people around and this guy just didn't care how loud he was being.

"Dude, there's something really wrong with you," he replied after a take of Louis arrogantly yet elegantly swiping aside his long fringe. "We shared one kiss and you think I owe you my kidney? You don't know if I even like guys."

The boy's brows deepened. "But you liked it. You were still. You never shoved me off or twisted your face. And I'm not stupid, I would have never attempted it if I thought for one second you were straight." His voice was quieter now but the hurt undertones remained prominent. He walked away and left Harry to fend for himself in the sea of onlookers.

\--

**Jul 23rd 2010**

The day of reckoning was finally here and one last time the boys rehearsed the dance routine they learned over the week. Harry hadn't needed his ibuprofen for the last two days but he had taken one today just in case his body decided to fuck him over again.

Louis was laughing with everyone, trying hard to hide his nerves if Harry was not mistaken in reading into it. Harry was nervous himself but something about the way the light hit Louis' cheekbones was giving Harry a sense of calm.

The boy bumped into him awkwardly while stretching and Harry gave him an eyebrow but didn't say anything.

Over the past week Louis had gone down to zero words and back up, gradually increasing his speech to him. He was half expecting the boy to say sorry or something but the glare shot he got was finalizing.

"Give me your number," he heard suddenly in his ear. "Cell _and_ house in case we get sent home and I never see you again."

He then glided away to his spot in the middle left of the other dancing hopefuls, eyes on the panel of judges.

\--

Hours later and Harry's name wasn't called. Those that got through were sent to the main hall to do reaction interviews, leaving the remaining crowds of shattered dreams on the stairs and in the rehearsal gym.

Harry wiped his face and said two words to the dumb camera man pestering him and all the other rejects.

As it moved off to another guy, he then sat on the stairs to the stage and buried his head.

"You did this to me," he bitterly told his abdomen. "I hate you. I hate me!" he cried. No one paid him mind, everyone was in their own pool of disappointed tears. He just knew if his period didn't come he would have been on point with the dance choreography needed to send him through to judges' houses.

Eventually he got up and made his way out to where all the auditionee families were, looking through red eyes for his mother. He saw her some distance away with Gemma, and made his way over.

"No, we didn't get through," he heard Louis' surprisingly non-shaky voice tell someone on the phone as he passed near him. "It's fine. I'll come back next year," He was telling them as his sisters each clung to a limb of his.

Harry wanted to walk over to him but he was too sure he'd cry like an idiot in front the strong boy and make him either cry too or laugh at him.

He barely had time to think before an instructor came out looking super serious with a clip pad.

"Will these boys and girls remain back…"

*

**Jan 2013**

**Harry pov**

"Harry, after what happened to you we can't risk any more rumors based on facts spreading," Walsh, the Modest invigilator spewed at the table. "Taylor is the perfect decoy. Getting rid of her now will not benefit anyone."

"I'm passing on it. I won't do it anymore," Harry yelled at the whole management team, waving his healing cut hand in their face. "You're gonna have to leave me be!" He stood up and shoved his chair back stomping out. All the boys followed him out of the room to their lounge. The meeting was supposed to be about their visit to Ghana next week but of course Walsh found a way to make it about Harry and Louis.

Out in the hall, Louis tried to offer a massaging hand on his shoulder but he shrugged him off roughly.

"I have to watch you smile like an idiot with her all day and on top of that feed birds with that other one like a dummy? I'm so done!"

Zayn let out a disgruntled snort. Harry looked at him.

"You've got something to say, let's hear it!"

"If I have to do it with Perrie why can't you do it with Taylor!? It's for the band, Harry. It's not just about you! We all have secrets to hide and careers to upkeep! You're always mad at Eleanor!? You Piss off Taylor!? You might as well sell out yourself and the entire band!" Harry rounded on him. "I hate her and you know that! Everyone knows that! I'm not risking anything! People still think they're fucking, so no harm done to the precious band!"

She was a girl. A full, whole girl who stood up in society 'proud' next to Louis for the world to see act or not, completing a social norm of man and woman. Harry wasn't good enough to fit that role. Harry's only place was to be deemed the cuddly best pal. Harry wasn't going to be accepted as the loving boyfriend of the sweetest funniest guy the world had ever seen, because she looked better. She looked normal. She represented everything that made Harry feel like a freak. Why didn't Zayn understand that?

"You are so fucking selfish. You think you're the only one hurting over these beards? I literally threw my phone away so I don't have to see Danielle's face on social media! But you don't see me out there being rude to her whenever she's with Liam!

"Oh, please, Zayn. You're a normal person. You can date anybody out there! Louis is literally all I have! Where am I going to find someone to love me the way I am ever again!?

Louis shot him a look. "You think I love you despite?” he said the word with disgust. "Is that how you've seen us all along!?"

"I didn't mean it that-" Harry started, but Louis was out the door with a hurt look on his face.

Harry turned to Zayn. "See what you did!? It's your fault for bringing it up! Had to dig your nose in my business. Why don't you go suck up to Danielle some more and leave me be!"

"You're right. Best I go. Don't wanna stick around for the Harry show- everybody likes the Harry show; You tell a few jokes, you ask everyone if they're pregnant and stuff balls in your stomach, forgetting that there are fans who can put two and two together! You know, Harry, I think if you don't get help soon you'll run away with someone's kid!"

"How dare you!?"

"That was a low blow, Zayn," Niall said finally from behind him, and Zayn shut up. Harry was five seconds from breaking down, lips clenched and quivering, infernal eyes fixed on Zayn.

"You're right- it's not about me. It's about Zayn! It's about your cool leather jackets and your new homies. And freakin beats! It's all about the beats now guys, ‘nobody wants to listen to bubble gum pop anymore’, Harry mocked. “’It's about the hip-hop and moving with the times'- WELL HOW DO YOU THINK WE GOT HERE!? I know what it is with you. You think you're too good for this band. You never wanna talk in interviews anymore, and that's if you actually show up! You're low-key pulling away from everything while we take the heat day in and day out and you're here telling me how I'm a disappointment?"

"Harry, that's enough," Niall mediated, but Harry went on.

"You wanna do your own thing, fine but don't you dare tell me not to fight for my boyfriend, because we were a thing long before I met any of you!"

Wow. And I thought the label were the prejudiced ones. Zayn’s voice dropped to almost inaudible and his eyes were glassy. “Sorry for wanting to mess up your clean-white pop.”

Harry’s jaw dropped. “What? I didn’t mean it that way! Are you for real right now? Who do you think plead your case every day for Simon to let you use R&B sounds!? It’s not my fault he turned it down!”

Louis jumped in. “Zayn, nobody here is prejudiced. We each want our individuality on the next album.”

Zayn’s eyebrows went up. “Easy for you to say, they’re letting you write half the album!” 

“NOBODY’S TALKING ABOUT THE ALBUM HERE!” Liam suddenly shouted over everyone but no one was listening.

“I am not getting much solos as usual so yeah, Zayn, I came out really fucking great as compared to you!” Louis said sarcastically.

Niall covered his face in exasperation. “Do you guys hear that?”

The others went quiet and looked at him. Harry shrugged. “What?”

“Thousands of people screaming. Singing along to our songs. Echoing in the stadium a few weeks from now when we go back on tour.” Niall’s eyes spaced out. “I can see hundreds of colors, puzzle pieces all coming together to say one thing.”

Louis hit him a quizzical look.

“‘We love One Direction’.” Niall shook his at them. “It’s hard on all of us. The lying, the stunts, the constant oppression. But we have that love. Not Simon. They all want to see us. I don’t know about you guys but walked out of XFactor building in tears with all my dreams on the floor and when they called us back in and put me to stand next to you guys I walked back out again a champion. I’m not ready to go home so for god’s sake pull yourselves together.” Niall walked out, massaging his temples.

°•°

**October 2010**

**X FACTOR HOUSE/ XTRAFACTOR**

Five boys had been chosen to group together in a band. Niall, Liam, Zayn, Louis, and Harry. They managed to impress Simon at his house after minor hiccups with Louis being injured by a sea urchin and almost missing the performance of their lives but here they were now three months later at Xfactor house in the running at liveshows. All the boys were getting along well in the new band and were having fun with their weekly video diary to fans backing them to win. Harry was surprised at how well he was getting along with Louis especially. The boy saw him every day now that they practically lived together in X Factor house but for some reason he still dug his number out of him.

"Aiden and a bunch of us are going out to Mc Donald's tonight after rehearsal and I'd like you to join us," Louis said one day after rehearsal.

Harry squinted his eyes and looked to his far left where Aiden Grimshaw, one of the contestants was doing his vocal coaching. "But Aiden already asked if I wanted to come earlier, I already said 'Yes.'"

Louis shook his head to correct himself. "Fuck it, Arry. Can't you for once just say 'Yes, Louis, I will'?"

"Yes, _Daddy_. I will," Harry deadpanned, eyes rolling all over the place.

Louis coughed up a pointed choke at that- for what reason, Harry did not know. He was acting like he was his father, so...

"Ughm" Louis cleared his throat. "Okay, uh, I will see you at five-thirty…" he awkwardly shoved his hands in his pockets and tethered away.

"Sure," Harry found himself saying although he was still questioning the boy's strange behavior in his head.

\--

Harry met Louis outside Xfactor building at six. He was flanked by Cher, Aiden and Tariq all looking ready for a night on the town. The brightest smile flashed across the boy's face as he skipped up to Harry.

The group secured a table in the not-so-busy restaurant.

"You guys heard about AShawn?" Tariq said, squeezing in one side with Aiden and Cher.

"What about him?" Louis asked getting in with Harry in the other.

"'Was booted off for absolutely no reason."

"I'm sure they had a good reason. They wouldn't just kick someone out without one?" Louis said.

"Racism if you ask me," Tariq, who was of African descent, said casually placing his arms on the backrest around Aiden's shoulders. "Some of the contestants haven't exactly let me into groups since I got here."

"I'm sure they didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," Louis went again. "It's a competition. Everyone's pretty focused."

Harry rolled his eyes at Louis.

"Doesn't matter," Tariq shrugged. "I'm just here to win."

The tall boy wandered off to the check-out line.

Once out of earshot Louis turned to Harry. "Can you believe him? They must've sent Ashawn home because he did something or wasn't any good as a singer. And Tariq just assuming because someone _breathes_ they offended him is beyond me." He widened his eyes, "Some people; paranoid."

"Really?" Harry finally said, eyes squinted accusingly at Louis. "I can't believe you don't see that it's a real problem people go through. Feeling left out isn't being paranoid."

Louis looked at him, like he was searching for the source of his words.

"People who are different from everybody else, be it gay, or of a certain race or anything have always faced the social out casting Tariq just talked about," Harry said, explaining himself. "Being part of the LGBT community yourself, you should open your eyes a bit more."

Louis squinted his eyes, ready to take offense but Harry brushed it off, opting to put his trust in the boy to see his point.

"Being white males, Louis, we will never feel what a person of color feels when merely looked at by a racist. It is easier to pretend to be straight so we won't get bullied or killed, but a person of color cannot disguise melanin- nor should he have to. So as the part of the rainbow we should be aware and careful not to turn a blind eye to our friends’ problems."

"I hear that, Harry," Cher supported, sucking on her red lollipop, Aiden nodding 

Louis was now listening intently, arms folded and brain pondering.

*

**October, 2010**

**Louis pov**

"Mum, I think my whole perspective on the world just changed," Louis chirped into the phone, as he and Niall relaxed in the X Factor sitting room. "I just realized I am or was an unaware passive racist. I'm not anymore. Fully aware now. You can thank Harry for that."

"I don't get it. Louis, you were never racist." The woman on the line sounded totally confounded.

"That's what every mum is supposed to say," Louis quipped.

Jay was beside herself. "How dare you speak to me like that! I worked hard for you and your sisters to have a good life…"

'Jeez' Niall's face read, listening in as Louis covered the phone earpiece.

He put it back to his ear. "...So you make one friend and all of a sudden you're a worse person than what I raised!?" his mother went on, "Which I'd like to think is a job well done. You are already perfect, Loubear."

"Mum, it's called an epiphany! I got an epiphany."

"Epiphany my ass! Louis, you were never a racist! Why are you letting people call you names in the middle of the X Factor? This your life, your dreams we're talking about! Do I have to come down there? I should pay this Harry a visit. I thought he was your friend!?" she said with disgust.

Louis would care for her concern if they were talking about a bully at school, but this was Harry. Sweet Harry who laughed at all his jokes and gladly helped him carry out pranks on the other contestants for Xtra Factor. Harry who hung out with him and ate McDonald's with him.

"Mum. He's amazing! I really like him! -I'll call you back, okay? Love you."

An oblivious Harry passed by just as he hung up, to sit on the loveseat with his crackers. Louis watched him hard to make sure he had not heard any of that.

Eyes meeting, an oblivious Harry raised his brows and offered Louis the bag. "Hungry?"

Niall erupted in laughter. Louis threw a t-shirt at him.

Harry looked at them quizzically.

"Do you want to have dinner with me sometime?" Louis asked, blushes fluttering his cheeks. "Like next Friday?"

Harry ate a chip nonchalantly. Niall looked on.

"Sure."

*

**Jan 2013 -LIAM’S PLACE**

"Babe, wanna hang out later?" Zayn asked Liam, spraying on some body spray. The two had rehearsals and vocals set for the next day but they always made time to go out together on evenings.

Liam blew a sigh, not feeling it. "What was that all about this morning?"

Zayn frowned disdainful. "Harry being a prick as usual."

"Zayn," Liam sighed like he'd moved a ton. "Harry is in a bad place right now. He needs us to be better than what you pulled in the studio.”

Zayn cut him off. "I know I was harsh. But Harry needed to hear that. He's getting out of hand. Doesn't understand everything one of us does affects all five of us."

"I hear you, but it's not just that. This Danielle thing is too much. Harry and Louis are living proof of what these stunts can do. I'm sorry, Zayn. It's just not the right time to get into a heavy relationship. Harry and Louis are in real pain right now after their loss, and I want to focus on making the band stronger like Niall said."

Zayn threw a confused look.

Liam took a deep breath and continued. "I'm saying I think we should take a break. Indefinitely."

*

**Jan 2013 -LOUIS AND HARRY’S PLACE**

“Do you think Zayn is still mad at me?” Harry ran a towel through his hair.

“Nah, Babe. He’s just frustrated with the whole situation Walsh put all of us in. He’s the one to blame in all this.”

“I can’t believe he doesn’t think I have his back. I wasn’t just standing up to Walsh for me. I was doing it for him and Liam too. I never meant to disrespect him.”

“I know, Babe. Deep down Zayn knows you care too. You’re the most caring person I know.” Louis stood leaning on the doorway watching as Harry dried his skin for bed. The outline of his body moving around the room for clothes. He caught Louis staring, and hesitated to pull on his pants.

Louis shook out of his trance and looked away, embarrassed.

Harry took gradual steps toward him, his arms sliding around his waist. They stared at each other. Harry then leaned in and kissed him. A long and soft one full of meaning. Louis grabbed on to the sides of his head in the heat of it. Harry’s body temperature and desire was hard to mistake**.**

"Maybe you can-like-I mean, if you want to we can do it-you know- different? Like…" Harry stuttered, eyes shut tight as he didn’t know how to explain.

Louis' eyes popped open wider, understanding perfectly, and he quickly took Harry's hands in his. "If it makes you feel more comfortable I don't mind. I'd want that with you."

He and Harry had been trying a lot of new platonic stuff lately, just to cheer Harry up, like driving through the city in the Range Rover at all hours of the night, and storming through mini marts in their night robes. But things were still breaky-and-teary in the intimacy department and Louis still hadn't gotten the boy to open up to him sexually like he used to. What's worse is that Louis found himself not really wanting to talk either. Hence his sexual thoughts at the moment.

He smiled and kissed him again, leading him backwards to the bed. He shoved a pillow under the small of his back and spread his legs open for Louis to mount him

"I promised you we'd get through this," Louis said through fast breathing, spreading on some lubricant to prep Harry’s anus. "And I'm promising you again,” he whispered sweetly as he loosened him up and ready. “I'll make sure we do, Love."

*

**Nov 2010**

**Louis pov**

The X Factor live shows were going great; riveting performances, crowd cheers. The boys of One Direction were beginning to see just how popular they were.

Today they were on their way to a hotel from a long day of press interviews, tired as hell. All the boys were quiet on the bus, and Harry already sleeping in the seat next to Louis.

Louis had just quietly burst open a pack of chips Zayn had just thrown at him from the back, when Harry's hand unconsciously fell on his lap close to his crotch. He stared slightly aghast at the awkward spot it was in, afraid to wake the boy by moving it. Swallowing carefully, he slid his palm onto it and lightly gripped it. The gesture was so tender and smooth and it sent warm feelings in him that infused a desire to protect the boy from all bad.

Since he had asked Harry on a one-on-one date they had been out together alone about three times during which conversation ranged from the racism pyramid hierarchy to what type of music they listened to and movies they liked in common. Louis enjoyed every moment of hanging with the boy but nothing as unexpected and intimate as what had happened at Battle of the Bands had taken place yet. Until now.

Afraid to even breathe too hard, Louis stretched the bag of chips across the lane to Niall who was already gawking at their interdigitated fingers.

Slight grin on the cracks of his mouth, Louis sent him eyebrows that urged how much he felt for the sleeping boy next to him. And Niall blinked back knowingly with an even bigger smile.

*

**Jan 13th, 2013**

**Louis pov**

Louis was packing up his and Harry's things draped and scattered all over the hotel suite to leave Ghana the next day.

He had just stuffed Harry's boots in his suitcase when he heard weeping coming from the bed.

"They didn't let me see her," Harry whispered hoarsely, eyes shutting on getting caught crying.

Heart jumping out of his chest, Louis marched over and sat in front of him. He kissed his forehead. "Don't, love, you'll get sick." He kissed his lips hard.

Seeing all those kids gather around Harry, and how he hugged them so warmly and lovingly and laughed with them, put everything in perspective for Louis. Harry was born to have children. He would have been a wonderful mother.

His own eyes started watering and he kissed him one more time to stop them from flowing in front of the man.

It wasn't like they had not seen each other cry on this trip alone. Louis would not go home the same person, and looking at the other boys' faces on their way back to the hotel, he knew they felt the same way. His main concern though was Harry and how vulnerable he had become because of the experience. Harry was getting depressed seeing how the locals were suffering doing without what seemed to the boys as normal amenities like running water. Louis kept him close, dragging him along to play football with the villagers' kids, delegating him to help teach classes with him. But the point of torture was when visited the hospital. Seeing all the sick babies who needed help was enough to break anyone. Louis held his hand as he cried on the way back to the hotel. Even when the damn This Is Us cameras were being shoved in their teary faces for their documentary at an inappropriate time.

It was coming to an end now but one thing was for sure; Louis could do nothing about his and Harry's pain, but he vowed to dedicate his life to charities for children that were sick and suffering every day in the land of the living.

"When we get home," he kissed Harry's nose, "I'm going to make a magnificently large anonymous donation to the Red Nose okay?"

Harry laughed through his crying. "I'm going to double it."

*

**Aug 2013 - This is Us Premiere**

The boys stepped out of the limo in their dapper suits and whiz hairstyles. They were now on red carpet for the This Is Us world premiere in London.

Ben Winston, the thirty-year-old director who worked closely with the band on the project during the months of filming and following them around, giggled proudly as he spoke to the Press, his hands placed attractively behind his back. His father, who was a renowned doctor and pioneer of childbirth research and innovation stepped up with Ben's mother and wife to take pictures. Harry flashed his eyes over Ben, thinking how he had good teeth. He was a rather handsome man and was always nice to Harry and the other boys but Louis never took a liking to him. He said he swore Ben made a subtle advancement to him once touching his cheek suggestively during a filming session and he quickly walked off on the married man. Remembering this, Harry steered his gaze elsewhere as the cameras flashed.

Lou their hairdresser was not far away with her daughter; Lux. Lou had done all the boys hair for the event but Harry hadn't seen Lux since June as she was with her father these days. Overwhelmed, Harry couldn't help but stare at the two-year-old child now. He knew Louis was worried about him with kids. He had said it in not so many words, so many times, but it was impossible to look away.

Things had sort of escalated in Ghana; Louis was great with kids in general but whenever Harry had seen him playing with all the kids, he got low-spirits. His boyfriend was such a beautiful person inside and out and would have made an amazing father had they gotten the chance. Louis was concerned in about Harry’s behaviour in Ghana but in truth, Harry had fallen in love with him all over again. Louis was a much better person than him. So Louis had caught him staring and saw the sadness in his eyes, and ever since he was super cautious whenever they were around children and acted like Harry was too broken to interact with them, though he never came right out and said it.

Harry grew angry now as he looked on at Lou and Lux. What right did Louis have to feel like Harry shouldn't be around cute kids when Louis was out there working with Modest as their straight poster boy. Not to mention Jay being pregnant with twins. How was he going to stop Harry from holding them when they arrive?

Then Lux spotted him. Gasping, she broke away from her mother and ran up to Harry.

"Harry, up!" the little girl cried.

Harry grew dumb. She was awfully smart for a two-year-old. "You want me to. Hold. You?"

The little girl's arms were up over her head and she was even jumping up and down.

Harry took a quick glance over to Louis and yep, the man's eyes were on him wide as the ocean. But Harry turned and picked the child up, cradling her.

*

**Sept 10th 2013**

**Harry pov**

Harry did another tattoo. He had way over twenty by now but he wasn't finished. He'd do his whole body if that was what it took to make his voice known. He had to endure Eleanor for the majority of Take Me Home tour and she even ended up in the This Is Us footage like she mattered.

"It's beautiful, Harry." Louis beamed, observing the artwork of the realistic looking rose.

"That's it?"

Louis recoiled. "What more is there to say?"

"I got it with the intention you'd get the other part!"

And this was them now. Resorting to using their skin to say the things they were no longer allowed to. How Harry wished he had said more when he still had the chance…

"I can't do that now, Harry. My hands are tied."

"Fuck that. Whether you get it or not you still have to go out with her and the world still has to think you love her! Why can't you give me that one thing!?"

"We have complimentary tattoos! Why is this one such a big deal!?"

"Because more people will know for sure that it's me you love!" Harry growled out until he was hoarse.

Louis started shaking like he was scared of Harry, and that broke his heart more than anything. To see what they had become.

"I want to do it. So bad, Babe. But it's Eleanor. Her father threatened to send her to a correctional facility if she didn't do her job better. He expects her to woo me, like I can be wooed. He dry-laughed. But he doesn't care about you or me. He hits her you know. Whenever she says she has school or just wants to hang with her friends and have a normal life…he gets mad and hits her. He's a billionaire, all he cares about is money and appearances. She begged me not to get the tattoo. He'd hurt her for letting it happen. For not throwing herself at a taken man enough. Her life is just as messed up as ours, Harry. She's here because of me. I have to think. about her too."

Harry let it soak in. He didn't think he had never been angrier in his life. He didn't want the tattoo because of Eleanor? Because she cried to him? Harry can't have this one thing because _Eleanor _said?

But Louis would never lie to him. He knew that. His heart would never allow him to.

Louis' heart…Harry wondered if their daughter got Louis' heart. He hoped she did.

Because Harry's was now cold.

"Marry me then."

Louis looked at him like he was crazy.

"If you can't get the tattoo then marry me. No one has to know that." He said it all fast, leaving himself with heavy breath.

Louis stormed over and held his hand to look into his eyes, concerned. Harry started crying.

"Everyone keeps saying she's in a better place. But what if it's not enough."

A distant frown grew on Louis' face and he let go of his hand. "I have vocals. Is this going somewhere?"

"I think we should get married. Just in case. She came from two people who love each other. We can do it in secret. I wouldn't mind being married to you. You?"

"Of course I will! I love you. I'd be proud to be your husband, but this is so soon-"

Harry didn't wait for the ‘but_’._ "It's a done deal then. Let's do it."

*


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Rape and Suicidal warnings for this chapter apply]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know in the comments what you think of this work. And please press the 'kudos' icon at the bottom of the chapter if you liked the fic.

** June 14th 2018**

**Louis in studio**

_‘We were too young_

_To know we had everything_

_Too young_

_I wish I could've seen it all along_

_I’m sorry that I hurt you, darling, no oh_

Louis played over the final cut of another song he had been working on for the album. A song about the time he had to lie to Harry for his own good. About the times Harry had scared Louis and everyone else who cared about him nearly half to death causing them to keep the lie going.

But Looking back Louis wished the only people Harry could trust didn't have to be the ones to keep things from him. Louis and Harry already had to deal with Modest and their lies. Harry didn't need his family, friends and boyfriend turned husband conspiring behind his back too. Louis wished he could tell Harry now how sorry he was.

_I've been looking back a lot lately_

_You and me is all I've ever known_

_It’s hard to think you could ever hate me_

_But everything's feeling different now_

_We were too young_

_To know we had everything_

Every time Louis looked back he saw Harry’s pain and how he tried to patch it back together but in reality the pain had been too much to bear for two young boys. After hearing Harry’s album Louis felt he had to tell his side as clear as possible and tell the truth which was that they were way too young to suffer the way they did. Professionally and personally. Too young to deal with stunts and media lies and strict band management, and having to balance that with the personal tragedy in their relationship.

*

**June 14th 2018- Harry's Tour**

_‘I'm selfish, I know. I don't ever want to see you with him.'_

Harry sang his song, Woman, in his Hershey concert. The song speaks of a time when Harry would have nightmares of Louis getting sexual satisfaction from his fake girlfriend while Harry had been terrified of being intimate again.

_‘I hope you can see the shape that I’m in when he’s touching your skin.’_

The song was basically saying the same thing as Just a Little Bit of Your Heart, another song he wrote about Louis’ stunts with Eleanor back in 2014 but had not been allowed to put in the band's album at the time because of the heavy 'overly pining' element and similarities to another One Direction song that did make it on the album, Fool's Gold, which was written by Niall. A friend had advised Harry that Just a Little Bit of Your Heart not making the cut didn't have to be a bad thing; that he could give to the song to a female so the original pronouns in the lyrics could remain intact under copyright instead of being changed to sound heterosexual like he would have had to do had he been able to use it in the band's album. So he ended up giving it to Ariana Grande for her 2014 album.

Ariana had fallen in love with the song on first listen, and had done well with it, performing it at an award show and garnering a standing ovation for her vocal execution. But the more Harry heard her version was the more he wanted to scream that those were his words and his emotions. And as soon as his solo career kicked off he was finally able to reclaim it and tell it from his perspective.

Some of the lyrics to that: _‘I can’t even think straight but I can tell you were just with her.’_

Harry was proud to finally sing it and send fans wild with the knowledge that the pronouns remained intact making it so he was singing to a love interest who spends divided time with both him and another female.

Harry had been badly hurt by Louis’ ‘for the camera’ affair with Eleanor and the way Modest carried it out like a merciless hangman.

Still Harry holds fast to the good times…

*

**Sep 28th, 2013**

_@Ashton5SOS: ‘@Louis_Tomlinson hope ya voice held in there man :)x ’_

_@MrsAnneTwist: ‘Good decision Louis.’_

_@edsheeran: ‘My best friend is getting married today. Mega awesome wicked cool.’_

_@Lous_Tomlinson: ‘Lost my voice :( ‘_

_@Harry_Styles: ‘We don’t need no piece of paper from the city hall.’_

"I was a blind fool before I met you,”- violins playing in the background- “You make me a better person. I don't know what I'd be without you, Hazza,”- Harry grinning softly, hands clasped in Louis’- “I would like to spend the rest of my life learning from you and loving you with everything that I’ve got."

Lilac and vanilla white chiffon laid in swirling patterns over their heads with hundreds of small sparkling festive bulbs giving light to the backyard lawn. The classic fruit cake decorated with white fondue and baby breath took centerpiece around bursts of flower bouquets. Pretty simple gathering in one of Harry's aunt's properties hidden from fan and media knowledge. With only fifty specially selected guests in attendance, most of Louis extended family was not present, save his grandfather who insisted on being there despite being told by Jay that _"If we invite you, Dad, we might as well have to invite the entire family and then the press will find out for sure!"_

And so, with careful preparations the ceremony of Harry’s and Louis’ wedding had commenced.

Louis’ tears ran free as he said his spontaneous vows. After all, a few days was not enough time to write one down. Lucky for him, the priest went on to make them repeat some affirmations.

"I will be patient, gentle, obedient, careful, kind," Louis repeated tearfully with warm sweaty hands as he held Harry's.

No one was allowed to take pictures except the professional photographer, all having to drop their phones in a basket passed around by Fizzie. Gemma was the only exception, filming a home video, as it was her hobby. Lottie stayed close to Harry as a maid of honor, and Zayn was right up there holding the ring for Louis with Niall and Liam next to him in matching suits.

They all exchanged looks as Louis stopped dead on the next part; he found it incredibly difficult to repeat the words ‘to be faithful and true.’

\--

**An hour and a half earlier…**

“I can’t do this!” Louis was hysterical, pacing Harry’s aunt’s kitchen in his shiny pointed-tip shoes, sweating in his new tuxedo. Liam, Niall and Zayn hung about the kitchen counter, blabbering useless words of encouragement, not knowing how else to appease the groom’s ‘cold feet '.

Louis’ dad, Mark, who had come in a few minutes earlier to let them know that Harry was on his way in traffic from Anne’s house, shook his head. “Well, you can’t back out now. Not in Harry’s wretched state. Maybe this wedding will finally give him closure and help him move on from what happened last year.”

Louis was not hearing that either. “How can I marry him knowing I lied to him about the worst thing that ever happened to us!?”

Jay, who had been about to give Louis her proud motherly pre-wedding speech when his anxiety took over, sighed and tried to reach out a comforting hand, but Louis batted it away. He was not about to play the victim when all he felt like was horrible monster. He loosened his tie and dropped to his knees on the vinyl floor, feeling like he needed oxygen. Mark kneeled down and rubbed his back as he tried to take deep breaths.

“It’s been over a year,” Louis wailed helplessly. “How do I explain it to him so he won’t hate me forever?”

Niall took his eyes off Louis’ meltdown and looked around the room. “How do any of us explain our part in it?”

“We don’t.” A voice echoed from the back door to the kitchen. Louis’ eyes caught Anne standing, fashionable updo, holding the ends of her blue silk dress in one hand and a complimentary minaudiere in the other. Her presence meant that Harry had also arrived and was probably outside chatting with Ed Sheeran and Ashton Irwin by the altar where Louis was supposed to be waiting. A look of pure stern veined her features as she came in and closed the door behind her shutting out the chattering of the guests outside.

"Louis, you are going to go out there and marry my child. And this secret stays with us forever, never to be uttered again." She looked at Gemma, Liam, Niall, Zayn, and Louis’ parents. “Do you all understand?”

Gemma let out a dry laugh in protest and was met with her mother’s stopping look.

Jay took a moment to talk with Louis while everyone else huddled out.

“Anne and Mark are right, Dear. I know it hurts and you want to tell him the truth, but today is not that day. After all you’ve been through, let him have this one happiness. Let yourself.”

Nodding obediently, Louis grabbed on to her clothes and cried.

“Remember I told you if you the day came when you can’t handle it anymore I’d take over?” Jay asked in a deeply serious tone.

Louis nodded, elbowing away his tears and becoming strong. “Today is not that day, Mum. I can do this.”

\--

“Why is he choking up?” Ashton asked Ed who sat not far from him. Louis had gone hoarse from his earlier ‘kitchen crying’ and the words just would not come out. Ed Gave a _'beats me'_ shrug as Harry mouthed _‘faithful and true’_ for Louis thinking he had forgotten the words in his nerves.

Louis darted his gaze to Anne in her seat, whose eyes were as wide as a bulb and her jaw tight. He felt Liam’s hand touch his shoulder in support and he looked at his mother who nodded encouragingly as she rubbed her bulging belly from her seat.

"To be faithful," Louis croaked wretchedly in his accent. "And _traauuee_." 

He barely got the last word out when he was a mess of sobs again, and Harry squeezed his hand. He quickly said the rest and stood quietly sniffling as Harry's turn came to repeat the vows.

"...To love and honor you for all my days," Harry continued after the Priest's prompt.

They exchanged rings nervously and finished their vows.

"You may kiss your groom."

Harry let a teary laugh rush out as Louis grabbed his cheeks. They stared for a moment where Louis caressed his wet cheeks with a determined furrow on his brow. He did not say anything, taking a minute to set himself in the fact that they were now married. Stuffing down his previous doubt and deciding to make this day the start of something great and new, he closed his eyes as the space between them decreased.

*

**May 7th, 2014- Brazil**

The boys of One Direction took in the vast landmarks of Brazil. Louis was not in the mood for walking around in the heat today but the excited look on Harry's face meant he had to suck it up and go with the flow. They were there on band business but Harry and Louis vowed to make the experience into their honeymoon since they didn't get a chance to get away together after their secret _quickie_ wedding last September.

In Brazil, as with any other country they visited, they booked the same suite and used any free time to enjoy being newlyweds. In the suite now after having dinner out with the boys, Harry engaged Louis into getting naked with him for a bubble bath.

Louis cracked a smile as a slightly drunken Harry stumbled out of his boots. He roughly pulled the purple checked shirt off his shoulders and it fell to his feet. Then gripping the waistband of Louis' three-quarters jeans, he let _that_ and his underwear fall on top of it. A sold Louis kicked them to the side and grabbed him into what wasn't supposed to be a rough kiss, but a laughing Harry kept playfully pulling away to finish undressing. Once he was fully naked, Louis cupped his bare bum possessively and lowered himself to suck on his nipples, -all four of them- his fingers nervously shaking on his waist.

"Let's get you more comfortable," he said against his ear as his strong arms claimed Harry unto the bed. Harry's breath came in rasping gasps as Louis’ tongue moved vigorously over his torso.

"Fuck," Louis heard Harry say as he rubbed his penis tip on the space behind his scrotum and soaked in his wet hole. He felt Harry's legs spread wider, and he continued to feel him. His noises were so beautiful, and he let go of all defense, allowing Louis to love him _there_. He looked deeply into his eyes as they kissed again, and Louis wanted to be closer.

Feeling the heat of his want, Louis rubbed his penis over the whole organ. Harry kept twerking upwards back and forth over the tip of his penis, feeling it against his slit.

Taking that as permission, Louis pushed in.

"No!" Harry protested when he was about one-third of the way in.

"Okay, okay!" Louis pulled back out immediately and stretched his arm to the lube on the nightstand. Desperately gelling up his penis while Harry loosened up his own arse hole for time, Louis pushed his hand away and shoved in.

"Ahhh!" Harry yelled in ecstasy. He opened his legs wider and brought his knees up to the side of his head to accommodate the bulging size of Louis' penis in his hole. They moved slow, one on top the other, occasionally kissing and gaping at each other.

Waking up a few hours later, Louis realized they had fallen asleep immediately after finishing.

He untangled from Harry and took a moment to review him lying innocently under the covers by just above his nipples, breathing deep in his sleep. He was amazed at how much he loved him. Every hair, every pore, every spot and crease and inch of nail. Despite what they didn't have, he had Harry, and Harry had him and nobody could deprive them of each other.

Overflowing with love, he kissed his cheek, then his neck, until he was leaving heated pecks all over him. Woken up by all the contact, Harry stretched and wiggled and laughed with tickles.

"What are you doing?" he raked the hair from Louis' eye.

Louis grinned from his hover. "It's not what I'm doing. It's what I'm about to do."

Harry only had the chance to let out half a giggle in response when Louis was going down on him everywhere, licking everything between his split. Harry yelled out in pleasure, grabbing the sheets on either side as he propped up his torso to look at the top of Louis' head.

_"Oh fuck,"_ he whined indecently as Louis gobbled on his privates incessantly without order or preference. Louis obeyed the norm of anal sex but it was wild in this round as Louis turned him over and clamped his mouth teasingly. They fucked like that for a while and then changed position where Harry was straddling him in a rough ride and all he was allowed to do was buck up and stare into his eyes because his hands were held firmly down by the man.

By the time they had finally pulled off of each other and fell back on the bed, it was just before sunrise. They had not made it to the bathtub but lay on the bouncy bed hoping for another hour of tracing the intricate patterns of their tattoos, and skin in general, before time to start a new day's work.

"I'm gonna get a tattoo to remember this trip forever." Harry grabbed a tuft of hair on the crown of Louis' head.

Louis, whose fingers were caressing his left hip, moved them closer to his V-line and said into Harry's ear, ever so sweet, "Put it right here so I get to be the only one who sees and enjoys it."

*

**June 16, 2014**

**Harry pov**

_'Going out tonight, changes into something red,'_ Zayn sang into the SYCO microphone.

Harry's eyes kept wandering to Louis over on his far-right on the other side of Liam as the boys recorded the song.

Louis was growing thinner by the day. He partied with Zayn a lot and barely ate anymore. Harry had his problems with drinking but Louis had picked up a smoking habit that had everyone worried about him. Everyone except the employees of Modest management. They were milking Louis' bad boy persona for what it's worth, straight washing him to the extent where he was losing his sense of humor and sliding in the background during shows and interviews. If an outsider didn't know better they'd say Modest was the one who encouraged him to start smoking in the first place, but no. Harry knew his husband was doing this all on his own. He did not blame him at all but he did find it insensitive to their personal loss the year before last, and he couldn't say he ever told this to him, as they had not been exactly communicating much these days. Not since Louis refused to get the dagger tattoo last year and Harry found out it was because of Eleanor's advice. Although Harry asked him to reconsider on their wedding day last September or the birth of Louis' new baby siblings in February Louis kept turning Harry down where that tattoo was concerned.

The most daunting was Louis' consideration for the girl made Harry fall even harder for the man. He had Louis' love, nothing could ever change that but yet they both had changed. Drastically. Louis used to swear he'd never touch a cigarette, and Harry never in his wildest dreams thought he'd ever grow a few inches taller than Louis or get drunk with Nick Grimshaw and his 'happy band' or try coke but he had and was currently still feeling the effects of taking last night as he walked down the Sony Music hallway after the recording session was over.

Louis headed outside with Zayn to light up while Liam and Niall settled for lunch. Harry didn't even bother asking Louis if he wanted to eat together-Here they were four years after they met and they were like two different people trying to make it through the day rather than through their lives together.

Harry definitely felt like a different person now as he walked on to another recording room.

\--

_'I don't ever ask you where you've been, and I don't feel the need to know who you're with…' _Harry's voice sang from the demo.

"This is so beautiful," Ariana stated, high ponytail moving to the sultry vocals. "Is he sure he wants to give it to me?"

"He is, yes," Julien, the producer, quipped. "He said he's impressed with your vocals. And I personally think the song would be great on your album."

Ariana grinned widely. "I hope I can live up to this. He sings with so much soul. Like he's been through it… I'll try my best to emulate that deepness."

The girl put the headphones back on and closed her eyes, attempting her first cover of it. When she finished the song and opened her eyes, Harry was standing on the other side of the screen with headphones on and tears in his eyes standing beside Julien.

He had to endure Eleanor's presence even at a private event such as Jay's wedding the other day, not being able to hold his new baby brother-in-law and sister-in-law because of the paparazzi looming across the street; he had to put up with the articles and pictures and staged hand-holding and butt-grabbing while he wasn't around. Inside Harry was a package with thrown glass inside.

Ariana stood on the spot not sure how to react. Harry pressed the intercom. "It's perfect, Ari. Absolutely perfect."

\--

** June 18th, 2014**

**Two nights later…**

Harry scrubbed his skin vigorously, crying on the bathroom floor of his and Louis’ apartment.

_What have I done?_ he thought, feeling like never emerging from there again.

Skin red with sponge scratches, he didn't feel clean at all. He felt like a dirty slut selling himself out cheap.

Body shaking under the steaming hot water, he wailed thinking back to a few hours before; he had gone solo to the summer party Modest Management held the night before and Ben Winston had offered to take him home. Louis was in Amsterdam with Zayn and Harry was the only member of the Modest's biggest client available to show his face at the annual party. Even with Harry's million drunk-giggling refusals, he insisted all the way to his chauffeured car where he let him go in first.

Harry's head was a blur and he had been hanging out and drinking with a couple of people he met there while glaring down a Louis-less Eleanor the whole time. He did not remember how much he drank, so that said something about his state.

He remembered Ben’s large manly but gentle hands on him, pulling off his jeans in a strange room, on a strange bed. He remembered his lips on his thighs making him squirm and giggle some more. And, oh fuck, he remembered that low sultry voice whispering to him as he came. Harry remembered coming, and he felt sick right there on the bathroom floor he shared with Louis.

_How could I do this to the first person who ever gave me his heart?_

*

**Dec 3rd, 2010**

**Louis’ first cooking experience.**

Harry held up his phone and took a picture of Louis attempting cooking for the first time at the stove. A large red blush to match the pants he was wearing exploded on his face when he heard the camera click. Sparkly blue eyes focused on him and he licked his lips out of wanting to kiss him and have his lashes brush against the ones covering the beautiful orbs.

Harry and Louis had been dating for a few months now with this being their first one after they confirmed their desire to be serious and go steady.

He knew there was no better time to tell Louis. Here the boy was declaring his adoration for him in a romantic setting. It was now or never, only he dreaded the reaction, playing the worst-case scenario in his head too many times.

After all, it was worse than argyle socks and slippers, and he'd be mad if expected the same reaction Louis gave for that weirdness.

"Do you know the clown fish can change sex according to their surroundings?" Harry said, eyes on his plate, fork moving around nervously.

"They can adapt their bodies to climate and according to a need to procreate," Harry glanced at Louis sheepishly and kept looking back at his plate.

Louis drank his wine. "That's interesting, I guess."

The glaze of the shiny wine glass looked radiant and complimenting against his face, matching the sweaty glow on his forehead as he smiled.

Harry blew a nervous breath. "I have to tell you something, and I don't want you to think I'm leading you on under false pretenses."

Louis looked sideways. "Okay," he settled to laugh.

Harry swallowed. "If I tell you and you decide you want nothing to do with me anymore then I can't blame you. We can just be bandmates, no harm done."

"Harry, what is it?" Louis said with a little mix of irritation and worry.

"I-" Harry looked away to the large garbage bin in the corner of the room. He refocused on Louis again and gave a shaky smile. "I have- um -I'm not- I-"

Louis seemed to know how difficult it was to say what he had to say, and he shot out his hand, resting it on Harry's. "Whatever it is I'm sure it's not that bad."

Harry, moved by the boy's hand covering his sweaty one, welled up. "The reason I didn’t call you after Battle of the Bands was…Louis, my life is complicated and I didn’t know how to…” Harry found himself struggling even more to explain. The suddenly tighter grip on his hand surged through him like lightning and he closed his eyes to say, “I'm intersex. I have a penis _and_ a vagina." The words came out just over a whisper and Harry waited for the hand to move. Waited for the gasp and the rude stare. Waited for the rejection. "It happens more often than you'd think; People not wanting anything to do with me when they find out," he added looking down at the table cloth.

The quiet between them was stark in the air, only candle light flickering in the X Factor Kitchen. He felt a slight twitch, then an unsure stiffness as though Louis was deliberating on whether his hand should still be there. But in the end Louis did not remove it. Instead, his fingers started moving underneath Harry's hand, wrapping his palm up in their grip. A real grip. A sturdy one.

The thing overwhelmed Harry so much he fell into a teary sob, and Louis' other hand immediately reached for his face, wiping his tears.

"Sometimes I feel like a monster or a weirdo and I can't-" Harry cried, making pointed gestures in the air with Louis hand still gripping on. "-like I can't even relate to anything or make real friends. It's always hanging over me. I have no idea why I wanted to tell you. Maybe because you're so nice to me and I have fun with you..."

Louis grew a genuinely happy little smile in the middle of his furrowed eyebrows.

Then Harry felt his grip tightened even more.

"I see who you are. A person who cares about others, and shows every day on the outside just the same beauty as on the inside. I don't care what you look like down there because I'd already made up my mind that I loved you the moment I met you." Louis grabbed his other hand and bored into his eyes. "If I'm anything good enough for someone as angelic as you, I'd like to keep seeing you like this?"

Harry tried to send out words, or any kind of sound from his mouth but nothing came out. Only tears. Every alliteration of what Louis had just said darted through his insides from every direction piercing his heart in the crossfire.

\--

**Louis pov**

In the seconds after Harry revealed his secret, Louis didn't know if he was gay anymore, or straight, or bi, or pan. All he knew he was attracted to Harry. Harry-sexual, maybe? If it was this confusing for him he could imagine what it was like for Harry growing up not knowing where he fit in. He felt for Harry having to go through childhood not knowing which he was, boy or girl, and having to label himself a boy on the outside. Sure it landed him in the bad as circumstance but Louis wondered what it was like having two sex organs. Whatever they were or whoever they were now, he just knew he loved Harry so much and vowed to be there for him through everything.

'My uterus isn't that much developed. It's the size of a plum,' Harry explained bashfully over the last sip of the wine. "The doctor says I'm still growing so it may get a little bigger."

Louis listened intently, amazed at all of it. "I just want you to be okay. Don't ever feel like you can't tell me anything. I'd never judge you."

When they were done Louis cleaned up and Harry mumbled about wanting to use the bathroom.

"I don't have a vaginal ureter so it's the boys' room for me," he said, getting up.

"But you have a vagina. That counts for something," Louis said, giving undertone that he should use whichever toilet he pleases.

"A really small one that I don't pee from," Harry clipped with a smile, over his shoulder as he waddled out.

_Small?_ Louis had no idea why this information made his pants tighter around the crotch.

*

**November 17th, 2014**

**-First performance of Night changes, a week after bullshit 2.0 tweets.**

The band was in the middle of their very first performance of Night Changes on The Today Show in Florida. With Zayn missing, Harry was given his solo to cover as well as his own.

Louis turned to Harry and sang; 'I've been thinking about you lately," forcing Harry to frown as deep as the river beside them and hope no one saw the new color splash on his cheeks.

Harry finished the performance and tried, just as he had for the past five months, to put what he did with Ben out his mind.

Lately, it was taking a back seat in his mind as he was worried about Louis after the Jenn Selby/ Independent thing that happened last week. Apart from Louis' scheduled behind-the-scenes book-on-the-head walks, and in-the-spotlight pap walks, and Elounor being hotter than ever with the press making it look like Louis had some sort of an angel in her, his twitter had once again been used by Modest to debunk a stupid article that claimed a rainbow colored t-shirt he wore had something to do with Harry.

It hurt to see the person who taught him to embrace his queerness had to snuff his out now after already being out and proud. Harry was proud of him though, and he hoped it was enough for Louis to keep from breaking.

As if Louis hadn't already been trying hard to hold it together. About a month ago the man almost lost it when they had to see Ben again for a WWA interview. Harry let the other boys take over, ashamed and embarrassed to converse with the man. But of course, Ben's focus had been on Louis the whole time and he kept asking the boy bizarre questions like _why he sleeps alone on the bus_ –knowing fully well who sleeps on the bus with him- and _how many times he used the same_ _underwear_. A visibly uncomfortable Louis took that second one as perversity and replied that he wasn't comfortable answering, to which Niall had cackled aloof of Ben’s ill by-play, prompting Louis to reply again with, _'I'll wear them tomorrow if I have to' and 'I'll probably never get married._' And Mr. Ben Winston, son of a dignified surgeon, looked straight at Harry and said all toffee-nosed, _'I have a fresh pair every day'_. Like Harry gave a damn about his clean underwear over Louis' supposedly dirty ones. Not that Louis was telling the truth, he was only trying to repel Ben.

Harry sighed at himself now, the hypocrite. If only he had not cared after the summer party. He knew if Louis ever found out he would lose it and surely end up in prison for battery or worse, because he’d never let Ben get away with touching Harry.

Harry only had all the tattoos he was taking to mask his own emotional pain with a physical one and stop himself from breaking into a million pieces. His new mermaid tattoo taking the spotlight was his favorite so far.

He thought it was obvious; a creature with different anatomies, neither one or the other, unable to be one thing without hiding the other part of themselves. Mermaids had been a symbol of the queer and transgender for centuries.

_‘I am a mermaid,’_ he told a curious interviewer shortly after getting it. No long explanations, but the truth, just like a couple of weeks ago when he told Liam and ODE Magazine he didn't give a fuck what gender a lady was…

~~

** _Flashback-_ **

_‘Female. That's a good trait,’ Liam heard himself deadpan on the iPad._

_The boys of One Direction leaned in to see the interview Liam and Harry did a few days’ prior for ODE magazine. While on their way to another interview for their FOUR album, they watched a miniature version of Harry gesture his hands in response. 'It's not that important' and shook their heads as Lucy the interviewer's laugh came out in a low series of blows._

_"Harry, are you out of your fucking mind!!!?" Zayn pulled his head back and shouted to Harry in the limousine._

_Louis cackled with Niall and blushed profusely. _ _"Awe, Harry," his palm smoothed Harry's cheek._

_"You know Walsh is gonna roast you, right?" Zayn said louder. "He's going to put restrictions on all of us!"_

_Louis and Harry ignored him. Louis handed Niall the device and rested his head on Harry's shoulder. "So you think I'm funny?" he asked referring to what was said in the interview._

_"Uh-huh…" Harry said sweetly and totally whipped._

_"I'm nice?" he asked again in a soft tone._

_"Yep." Harry giggled at the tickle in his ear._

_Louis' hand reached into places. "So you like horseback riding, aye?"_

_Harry went in for a kiss._

_Zayn rolled his eyes and he and Niall found something else to talk about. Liam though was a bit quiet and uncomfortably stiff the whole ride._

~~

_‘What were the most important traits you looked for in a lady?’_ was the question. _'Female'_ Liam had answered, and that's Harry got mad. It did not matter, there are lots of beautiful ladies who are genetically male and should not be excluded because of what was hanging between their legs but rather judged on things like being a nice person and having a sense of humor. But Zayn was right, the thing caused a huge stir up which led to the_ Independent_ journalist Miss Selby, using Harry's words to call Louis out.

Harry wondered if it would have made a difference if he and Liam had handled the question differently, but then again no one could tell when one of them unhinged and let something slip. They were all unpredictable. Louis wearing the Apple logo t-shirt had less to do with Harry's outburst and more to do with what was going on in Russia with its LGBT laws being challenged as Louis had explained to him after the whole shebang. His point wasn't just that the logo was Apple's original -as he told Selby - but to point to Russia that they didn't have a problem with Apple in those rainbow-colored logo days so why give trouble now that Tim Cook was confirming his sexuality? Harry had told his husband he wished he had said he was planning on wearing it to support Tim, but Louis explained that he was afraid that Harry would disagree after the ruckus his and Liam's ODE interview caused.

The truth was, after Brazil their communication had gone back to less than perfect and Harry guessed the exotic charm of the country had worn off. Louis had started hanging out with Zayn more and picking up smoking, and Harry leaned toward out-of-band friendships for the sake of keeping Modest from riding their backs for merely looking at each other around cameras. Harry wanted to take a time machine and go back to when it was simple and they were just starting their lives together but all they had now was fondling in the limo, secret backstage changing room and toilet sex, and night sex. The night was Harry's best time of day because at night when the stress of the day fell away and they retreated to suites and buss bunks, Harry only slept one place he was comfortable; next to Louis.

*

**Mid 2011**

Six months after Harry told Louis his secret, and the boys were still together. They had made a huge step forward in their relationship. They were now living together in an apartment complex with the other boys as individual neighbors.

Harry had been blessed with what he could only call the sweetest creature on the planet for a boyfriend. And as he stood in front of a first-class restaurant in leather slippers and argyle sweater he couldn't have been surer.

Louis had pulled him out of their new apartment blindfolded and let the chauffeur drive them there. Not that he didn’t complain for a warning and time to change into something more appropriate, but Louis- who was in a decent short-sleeved shirt- laughed and told him it didn't matter. That he wasn't taking him there to compare him to anyone. His own words were; "You're sitting here and all I see is you. The world disappears when I look at you. Doesn't matter what you got on, I'll always want to look at you."

Harry had an okay childhood, considering, but he struggled to find a friend who understood him, who related. He had casual friends and even fronted a rock band that inspired him to follow his dreams. Those dreams led him to his best friend, Louis, who now shared his journey and his dreams, and understood. Harry knew not what lay on the other side of the road he was going, but with Louis, Harry knew where he belonged. 

*

**November 21st, 2014**

**Night Changes video-premiere**

_'So beautiful, Harry. I didn't know you were so lucky to have this...Come for me now?'_

It had been months since the video shooting for Night Changes, and Harry hadn't forgotten the way Ben, the one who directed it, looked at him while on set. Like they had a little dirty secret between them that he cherished and wanted to happen again. Seeing the music video now on television as it was being released to the rest of the world, it brought it all back up along with what had happened at the summer party. Ben hadn’t made any moves on Harry since the night of the summer party, and the man was just as cool with him as he was with any of the boys, but the stares were there.

He clutched his arms tighter as Louis brought out the popcorn. The boy dived back into the open plan kitchen just as the teapot started whistling, and Harry's heart wanted to dive after him.

_'No, don't fight it. Come, baby. Just come for me, you're so wet already...'_

Harry sat and sprawled out in front of the fireplace, hanging on the foot off the couch.

His face scrunched up in the worst chest pain he had ever felt. Harry got panic attacks sometimes, yet he knew this wasn't one. This was guilt.

He pulled his features back to normal just as Louis came in with the tea and cookies.

"Is everything okay?" he asked pertly, with a smile.

Harry smiled back but inwardly laughed. Louis always knew when shit bothered him.

The video started and Zayn sauntered through the restaurant scene, Harry- who was not around the set for the other boys’ scenes –except Louis’- could picture Ben’s face somewhere behind the camera, that alluring smirk he wore with his two-day-old-stubble…Harry jumped a bit and slapped his neck; he swore he felt the stubble graze him there as he thought about it. He tried to watch on until Louis’ part in the video came and he could see the discomfort in Louis’ body language as clearly as he had the day of filming. That day Louis filmed it Ben had made him get in a car for a scene that had come to the director on the spot. Harry had to wait back while Louis drove off with Ben and the cameraman to shoot it, and looking back in hindsight now it had to be a tactic to separate Harry and Louis, after all, Modest was in charge of anything Ben did with the band as well.

_'I've never_ _seen anything like this. It's so arousing. Does Louis like this? I bet he does. He never leaves your side- Yes, that's it! Come for me, Love... Just as soon as I called his name, huh?'_ Harry couldn't even drink his fuckin tea without feeling like he didn't deserve it.

Losing his mind, he slammed the tea down and grabbed Louis into a rough passionate kiss.

Louis broke away and started kissing from Harry's neck, down his chest and abdomen.

He moved his tongue further past his balls and met the sweet taste of wetness.

Louis' clothes were tossed off in no time but Harry knew he wasn't going to move too fast. He knew he'd want to make slow love to him in case he wanted to stop at any time. Louis was always concerned with pleasing him more than his own pleasure.

"Just fuck me, Louis. Don't waste all this time on me," came the remark that made Louis bring his head and torso up in alert. The look in Louis' eyes alone said 'I'll take exactly all the time I need to make tender love to you', and Harry threw his head back in sweet defeat.

Louis' arse cocked in the air as he went down on him again, and Harry could see the curve from his waist to his hip line along with the tantalizing crack in the middle.

Louis' hole clenched up as Harry's fingers were suddenly prodding and massaging it.

"You're so pretty, Louis," Harry said in a mesmerizing whisper.

Louis' waist was so small and incredibly curved, his basketball-shaped hips showing the sexy crack of his arse. It sent Harry right off the edge and he was suddenly hot now.

"You should see how gorgeous you are from this view."

Louis sucked his mouthful harder as Harry tethered his fingers inside him._ Okay, this is exciting_.

*

**Nov 27th, 2014 **

**Louis pov**

Louis and Zayn bounced out of the tattoo parlor with stinging new designs. Due to the band’s busy schedules -and partially to their recent weed smoking mishap- these two were told by Walsh to refrain from getting any tattoos until Christmas break. But of course, the rebellious duo did not let management interfere with their plans. Zayn got an Arabic themed one, and Louis got one he knew Harry would be ‘off the chains’ about.

"Take a pic, Z," he rolled up his sleeve carefully but quickly once they were back in the chauffeured car. They were both high from numbing the needle pain back there, and they kept giggling and stumbling and flirting with the chauffeur.

Louis handed him his phone and Zayn took a picture of his new forearm. Louis grinned cheerily as Zayn handed it back to him.

Louis stared at the picture, eyes watery. "I'm gonna text it to Harry- Let him flip!"

Holding his cigarette in his lips, eyes squinting against the smoke, he typed in a tag with a heart emoji and sent it to Harry while Zayn lit up a joint. Zayn then threw an arm around him and giggled. "I think the whole world is going to flip."

"I know. I should have waited until I got home to show him. I wanna see the look on his face. We're going so great now, Z. He fucked me so hard in the ARIA toilets I nearly cried. Ended up shooting on his suit."

"I know. You sort of said that one out loud to an interviewer outside the building," Zayn reminded with a grossed look. Louis blushed; he was high as a kite and did not remember that part; only being fucked loose from behind in the limo before the awards…, in the toilets after the awards…, bent over on the seats in the first-class cubicle on the plane back from the awards…"You bottoming now?" Zayn added with an eyebrow.

"About a week now, yeah- It's the most thrilling experience I've ever had- To be taken like that- I love him and it's me and him- and him and me and it's so intimate," a still high Louis rattled on in his Doncaster tongue as the car drove with them huddled together like two kittens in the backseat.

"Well, I'm single a year now, so I can't relate," Zayn said with an edge in his tone, putting out his cigarette.

"Awe, Z, it'll work out soon. I can tell Li misses you." Louis talked to Liam so many times about getting back with Zayn but he never budged. Said they'd grown too far apart anyway. Come to think of it, Zayn_ had_ been further from the band than usual, skipping performances and interviews, and hanging out with strange friends he never thought of introducing to them. But one thing remained the same, Louis could count on Zayn to be there when he needed him, even if it was just for bro-time, weed, and tattoos.

Ignoring him, Zayn lifted Louis’ arm and examined the fresh tattoo.

"He loves me, Z," Louis referred fervently to the tattoo. "I couldn't deny him this one thing anymore. I wanna spend the rest of my life with him. I can see it now, Z. Us living happily ever after. Harry and I will finally be okay now."

*

**November 27th, 2014**

**Harry pov**

"Come on play cards with us, Harry." Niall opened the pack and started shuffling like he wanted to go all night. The plane ride back from Australia was exhausting and Harry just wanted to cuddle with Louis and sleep now. Louis and Zayn had run off together as soon as the plane touched ground and Louis said he’d be at the hotel in an hour. Well that was six hours ago, and Harry was in a restless state.

He yawned, Liam, pulling out a six-pack from the chiller.

"Nah, I'm tired. I think I'm gonna head up and wait for Louis." Harry pointed his thumb to the door.

"K, call us when he gets home," he heard Liam say as he slipped out of the apartment. Home… Technically it was just another shared suite in just another hotel that accommodated the boys on their hectic country-hopping band schedules. All the boys grew accustomed to referring to any place they rest their heads as home.

As he closed his and Louis’ suite door, his phone buzzed. Throwing a groggy eye on the screen, he saw Louis’ name over a message. On opening it, frustrated and angry that the man chose to text instead of call, he almost got the wind knocked out his chest; Zoomed out on his screen was a picture of a newly tattooed arm with the tag: 'I LOVE YOU ALWAYS FOREVER.' It was from a Donna Lewis song they once rocked out to while decorating their place in Princess Park when they had first moved in together. He remembered Louis picking him up and spinning him around while singing those exact lyrics like it was just yesterday.

He did it. He got the tattoo Harry had been begging him to get for a whole year now. The dagger to his rose. Louis had made the ultimate love gesture. One that a beloved large section of the fandom had predicted and would now see as proof the two men loved each other despite how things may look on the outside with beards and stunts.

Harry began to cry, all his love for Louis brought to the surface. Then a sick black mud crept up in his joy. All the things this beautiful person had ever done for Harry; All he meant to Harry; And how does he repay him? By hooking up with Ben, a man Louis was always uncomfortable around. A married man who had some sort of weird obsession with Louis.

He squatted on the floor, hands on his ears. Keep the flashes of that night out; he needed to.

*

**Mid 2011 - Sometime after moving in together.**

_~Wish that you could build a time machine so you can see the things no one can see...~_

‘Fancy going ballroom dancing?’ Louis tweeted from his perch beside the bed lamp.

Harry, who was on the lazy chair opposite, looked at his phone and cracked a smile. Louis saw the boy’s eyes cursor to the mound on Louis’ front, a slyness taking over his face.

The farthest they had ever gone was him getting blown by Harry the last three nights but he hadn't touched Harry's bare privates, only over his clothes. Tonight Louis was asking him on twitter in code if he wanted to go further.

Harry nodded a ‘yes’ with his head eyes lips and everything, and Louis thudded down to lay sprawled out on his back on the silky bed sheets. His arms straight at his sides, his fingers beckoned for Harry to join him. The younger boy bit his lips as he meandered over and got on the bed to straddle him. He wasted no time in devouring his mouth passionately.

"Do you think we should wait until your old enough."

Harry smiled naughtily. "The consensual age is sixteen,” he pecked Louis’ neck- “I'm seventeen now” he licked his chin, “Plus, you're my legal guardian. I belong to you now."

Louis swallowed at the boy's tone, so sexy and drawing. "There's a name for that type of relationship and I don't think I want us to be together like that. We should both have equal rights."

"And I'm practicing mine by having sexual relations with my boyfriend in the privacy of our home," Harry smarted and planted a warm kiss on Louis’ lips. Harry pivoted off of Louis to stand by the bed and flick off his clothes. Louis stayed on the bed, lifting and shuffling to pull his jeans and briefs off.

Then Harry was gliding back on top of him, his cock long and hard pointed at Louis' chin. Louis gulped, feeling something wet on his own cock shaft as Harry sat on it. He guessed it was the boy’s vagina from the situation of it, but he did not have time to panic and wonder what to do next, because Harry was heaving himself off of the spot to kneel over Louis, his legs at either side of his hips.

He then took Louis' left hand and placed it between his legs past his balls, on his hole, glaring down on him with a look of pure brashness. Louis' heart skipped a beat; he had never touched Harry there before. Although he had dated a girl before Harry, he had gotten cold feet whenever the time came for fondling third base with her. He remembered touching the girl’s pussy before but quickly pulling away his hand when she had asked him to finger inside. Louis remembered not getting any rise out of the experience, and dodging the girl at school, not knowing how to tell her he didn’t want to try again any time soon. Now here he was with Harry; the boy thrusting over his trembling slippery fingers, spreading his vaginal pre-come on them and making small noises that sent Louis wanting to clamp his entire body on him like a suction bar.

Louis knew he loved Harry and wanted to be intimate with him but somewhere at the back of mind had always scared him, wondering if he’d have the same reaction he did to the other girl he dated, when the time came to see or touch Harry’s privates. He guessed he knew he would have to make love to all of him, as choosing one type of organ over the other would be impossible, but he was surprised at how much he was enjoying this. The thing was soft and milky wet, and Louis was not turned off at all. He was so turned on the on-switch stuck.

Louis pushed forward a willing finger, exploring the smooth, flappy surface of it, his heart beating so fast. He looked up at Harry. _So soft,_ he thought, _and so small._

Harry took Louis' cock in his hand and started stroking it pleadingly while planting a long wet kiss on his lips. He broke it off only to give him a wanting look that he could only compare to a hungry puppy waiting at the feet of the table for its master to have mercy and feed it.

_Fuck,_ Louis thought. _He really wants to have sex._ Louis’ brain starting making quick, panicky calculations that happen every time something new was happening with him and Harry. But was this new, though? It's not like he had never dreamt about being intimate with him at night and woke up soaked in cum. This is something Louis wanted. _Wants._ And it was now being dangled in front of him ready to be taken.

When he didn't think his cock could throb any louder he went into a higher level frenzy with each jerk Harry made. Harry dipped down and started sucking the tip of Louis' cock creating a wider space between his arse cheeks for Louis’ fingers to feel. If Louis had a name for each of what Harry was doing to him he'd be able to replace the entire dictionary with squeals and grunts. His legs shuddered at how good those lips felt on his cock as he kept squirming and pre-coming like a leaky tap.

Louis' want raged further. He rubbed the now spacious tip of Harry’s vagina and slowly pushed his middle finger inside the fluttery thing. It fit like a tight glove and Louis found himself salivating in awe of how it clenched and unclenched around him in a series of shudders. Harry had stopped sucking and Louis could now see his face again, and from the dilated look in the boy’s eyes he could tell this was new for him too, and it made him want him even more.

He heard a tiny groan from him and he pulled his finger back out as a reflex. This caused another groan to escape Harry, this one, annoyed.

He grabbed Louis forearm and tugged to signal him to resume what he was doing.

Louis knew from the heat he was feeling in his cock he would come before anything further could happen between them, and he knew Harry wanted him just as bad as he wanted to fuck him right now so he decided to go for it before it was too late and he comes all over the place.

He gave Harry a gentle push, hoping he would lay on his back so Louis could enter him, but he was cut off by the boy diving back toward his cock and licking it.

Giggling with the unexpected feel, Louis grabbed Harry's hair and gently pulled him off his cock and up to face him. His intention was to flip him over and gave way to his cannibalistic desire, but he got lost in his lips for a moment; those red soft lips that knew just how to suck the heck out of his cock. He licked them, wet and soft, tasting the faint essence of his own pre-come mixed with Harry's saliva. This turned him on so much he cupped his face in both hands and sucked hard, trying to drink every bit of the taste from his mouth.

He realized the boy was trying to pull away for air, and he let go. Harry blew hard into his chest.

Giving way to passion, Louis kissed him again, pointedly, eyebrows deeply furrowed, like he would never get the chance again.

"What's that for?" Harry breathed heavily this time, eyes a mixture of curiosity and concern.

Louis’ thumb, searched Harry’s jawline and chin, his gaze following behind it. "Just making sure this is real. I've never been so happy in my life and I don't want it to fade away."

Harry ran moist fingertips down his lips. "It never will."

*

**Nov 27th, 2014**

"Beat me again, you little bugger!"

Liam burst into laughter at the results of the card game. Satisfied with himself, Niall took a swig of beer and tossed the cards on the table, rushing to check on the baked chicken his mother left in the microwave before retiring to her suite.

Liam stepped out on the balcony for a cigarette and leaned on the railing. They were pretty high up and all the cars below were like little fireflies swimming around.

A cold breeze blew and Liam out the cigarette. After all, he had only just wanted to have a mild feel of it.

He turned to go back inside and heard a piercing scream coming from somewhere above him. The wind was so strong his hair blew in every direction as he cocked his head up to the floor above him. Harry and Louis' floor. He gasped and his heart dived out of his chest as he couldn't believe what he was seeing. A pair of Chelsey boots dangling in the wind above him.

Unable to breathe at all, he dashed straight out of the apartment, heart beating like a roller coaster.

*

**Nov 27th, 2014 cont’d**

_~If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you. ~_

**Ten minutes earlier...**

Louis waved goodbye to Zayn, who dropped him off at the hotel before heading straight to a friend’s place for the night.

He got a text from Niall saying a game of cards was going on in the floor below his and Harry’s, and if he wanted to join in. Looking at his watch Louis figured he should decline and get his backside upstairs to his and Harry's suite if he knew what was good for said backside.

He was moving for the elevator when his phone rang.

"Louis?"

"Oh, hey Mum! What's up?" he asked as if he didn't know what she was calling about.

"How are you and Harry?"

It's the same question she's been asking every single time she called since it happened. She used to call Harry too with it, but then he just stopped taking her calls. She leaves him a text now. Louis rolled his eyes, wishing he could have the same arrangement, But Louis knew he couldn't do that to her. Harry had a pass since he was the one who took it the hardest with his depression. Louis was supposed to be the strong one here anyway so okay Mum.

"We're...better," he said, thinking about the sex. What else was there to think or talk about?

"I should come out and visit you. When was the last time you had a home-cooked meal?"

"Liam's Mum is traveling with us. We're fine." Are we? he heard a voice ask him in his head as the elevator went up.

"Okay, Lou. I know Harry's alright with you, but promise me you'll look after yourself as well." …_because she thinks Harry isn't taking care of me,_ Louis thought. Or _knows_, the voice went again.

"Love you, Mum, bye."

The elevator opened and Louis walked to the suite.

He felt the sting of the tattoo as he swiped the key card in the door.

"Haz?" he called out excitedly to the darkroom, shutting the door behind him and slowly taking off his coat. Everywhere they went the rooms were always left dark. Even the dressing rooms were draped in black curtains. It was the only way for Harry.

The see-through curtain to the balcony blew up and Louis felt the cold. Heard the sobs.

"OH GOD, HARRY!"

Louis insides collapsed at the sight of his slim figure sitting on the railing facing the outside with both hands tightly gripping on the thing

"HARRRRRYYYYYY!!" Louis was panicked by Harry's long hair blowing in the wind, It was so strong. His heart was flipping that his thin frame could be blown away.

He fell to his knees, screaming louder as his throat allowed.

"Please God, don't take my Harry! Harry, please don't leave me, Babe. I can't do this without you. Please! Please, God, don't take my Harry!"

As though his prayers were being answered he felt a hand touch his shoulder and looked to a frightened Liam who shushed him from letting Harry know he was there out of fear he'd jump.

It was then that Louis realized that Harry was speaking.

"I did something," Harry said sounding muffled into the cold wind. "I can't look at myself for doing that to you."

Louis wasn't listening at all, he kept screaming at him. "Harry, please come down! Please, Babe!"

"I need you to hear me out, Lou," he looked down into the fireflies. He turned his head further back hoping to catch a glimpse of Louis but he caught Liam's frame instead.

"Liam-" Harry turned back to front, head dropping weakly. He seemed to lose a bit of gait at knowing someone else was there too. "Liam please don't come any further."

"Come down so we can talk!" Louis screamed on. "PLEA-HEE-HEASE!!!! Whatever it is, Babe, I promise we'll work it out. I'll fix it. I promise you I'll make it better this time!!!!"

On hearing the words Harry started frantically shaking his head while gripping tighter. "You make everything better, Lou. But you can't fix me this time. I've done something so horrid!"

"Harry..." Liam tried as soft as he could manage. "Louis loves you so much. Don't do this to him. Don't do this to us. What'll happen to us if you die, Harry? Think about your Mum."

Harry grew quiet at Liam's words.

Liam then caught Niall in the corner of his eyes and felt tons more relief at that fact. Niall held his chest as he drew closer to him, ever so slowly, holding his breath and hoping his shoes don't make noise and startle Harry into falling.

"Babe?" Louis said, voice going from all the screaming. "I'll make you a cup of tea and we'll watch TV. We can watch Go-Go box. I will do anything you want. Please!"

"Can you bring her back? Olivia. I don't even know what she looked like," Harry cried wearier in the last sentence.

"Harry, please. We love you. Let us help you. We didn't see this. We didn't see you coming to this! So please let us help!" Liam was in tears.

"I'll only come down if Louis hears what I did and forgives me. If he doesn't, then I have no reason not to jump."

Liam thought quick and asked Harry what he did. He calculated that while Harry spoke he'd slowly ease his way over to grab him.

"I let him touch me," Harry replied, wailing.

"Who, Harry?" Liam, sliding half-step by half-step, exchanged looks with Niall, who was on the other side of Harry, and who Harry still didn't detect.

Registering Louis' newly chewed up sobs, Liam was afraid to ask, but, "Who touched you?"

"Ben. I went home with- with Ben. After the Modest party I got drunk and Ben offered to take me home. I thought he meant my home but he took me to _his_ home, and he touched me. He fondled me…" he cried in a rasp. "The worst part is...I didn't stop him."

Liam had frozen halfway. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Niall, who was a little closer to the railing than Liam, gave him an urgent look like "_Focus_!"

"And I woke up a few hours later and he put me in a car and I ended up home. At the complex. I felt so horrible."

Louis' sobs caught up in his throat hard. _The Modest party? That was just after my Mum's wedding_.

"If you forgive me I won't jump because I can't go on this way, " Harry's left hand eased and Liam's heart dropped out of his chest but Harry grabbed the railing back just in time. "I can't live with keeping it from you, or you hating me. I'd rather die than have you hate me, Lou."

Louis slapped his hand over his mouth, choking on his own heart, and stifling his choking sobs lest Harry hears them and jump. He swallowed them back with every ounce of strength in his body and looked at the back of Harry's head, praying to God it wasn't his last view of him alive.

"I forgive you! I would never ever hate you -I forgive you, Babe! Please come down!" A heart wrenched Louis threw himself down, prayer style.

Harry released a breath he had been holding since he stopped talking, and almost lost his balance, leaning forward a half-inch.

Lucky, Liam dashed forth and clutched his waist just as his hands let go of the railing.

"I got you!" Liam bellowed in a voice he barely recognized. "I got you, Harry!"

He was dragged by the two boys straight onto the floor where he started crying from his chest.

"Why didn't you let me go!?" he cried, laying like a rag doll on the floor. "Let me go, let me go...let me go, I want my baby... Let me go..."

Niall's hands shook like an electric shaver but he kept his grip on Harry's leg till they were numb, afraid to let go.

Louis lay on top of him adjacently, wailing- or trying to wail- with whatever was left of his battered voice. The smell of burnt chicken prominent in the air, but impertinent to the boys now.

**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading this chapter for the second time, it has been edited as I had some typos and unfinished scenes before.
> 
> I'm so happy you guys are enjoying this. Please comment on the journey.

**June 15th 2018- Harry's tour**

_‘New York baby always jacked up. Hard tunnel for a nose it's always backed up.'_

Harry pranced about on stage in Philadelphia singing Kiwi and thinking about all the things that had almost driven him to suicide; everything Modest did, what happened with Ben.

_'Such a pretty face on a pretty neck- she's havin my baby. It's none of your business…’_

Nobody could ever begin to get why Harry performs Kiwi with so much vigor. They can only admire and dance along. But he knows. He has been _through it_. It was actually on the advice of his therapist who told him it was best to get it all out. And music was always the only safe way for Harry to offload.

So Kiwi was everything from the drugs he took to what he was feeling about Eleanor, Briana, and the baby Modest hired to kill gay rumors within the band for good.

He imagined Louis being into those girls after having them thrown at him like free KFC-

_'She's driving me crazy, but I'm into it, but I'm into it, I'm kind of into it...’_

Harry let all his rage and anger and the voices in his head saying Louis liked being a dad even if it was an act-

_It's getting crazy, I think I'm losing it, I think I'm losing it_

_I think she said "I'm having your baby, it's none of your business"_

_"I'm having your baby, it's none of yourrrr...’_

And she was right. Getting it all out in a hyperactive song he can go crazy to really did help. Harry can safely say he felt tons better and things don’t bother him as much as they used to. But Louis was not with him now, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t still worry how he was doing.

*

**Early June 2018- Louis in studio**

Louis buried his head in his notepad, writing down the lyrics to go with a new tune he crafted.

“Fences...fenceless...Defenceless!” He had a _eureka_ moment.

'_ You just keep on building up your fences. But I’ve never been so defenceless.’_

It was supposed to be about Louis trying hard to make Harry happy but letting him go in the end. He already had the body of the song down:

_‘I come runnin' to you_

_Like a moth into flame_

_‘You tell me "Take it easy"_

_But it's easier to say_

_Wish I didn't need so much of you_

_I hate to say, but I do...’_

He wrote about the lack of communication on Harry’s end-

‘_We're sleeping on our problems_

_And we'll solve them in our dreams_

_Wake up early mornin'_

_And they're still under the sheets...’_

The lack of communication on Louis’ end-

_‘I'm lost in my head_  
_I'm spinning again_  
_Tryin' to find more to say to you...’_

And the days when he just wanted to shed all the baggage and be in the moment with Harry like they used to in the beginning-

_‘I’m not asking for much, just wanna be loved.’_

_And I’m too tired to be tough, just wanna be loved by you.’_

Louis was working so hard on this song that was supposed to embody every feeling he had toward Harry. How to say it when Harry already knows it-

_‘Been up all night_  
_All night but you know my lines_  
_But it’s only the truth_  
_Been up all night_  
_Not sure how to say this right...’_

But Louis had to get the point across that he tried. He really did...

*

**Sun Nov 30th, 2014**

Louis stared at the brown lump on the bed; Harry wrapped up in his blanket sound asleep. His hysterics had died down with anti-depressant medication but he was still nervous, so nervous he couldn't hold a glass of water without Louis' help. The sickening words Harry said on the balcony playing over and over in his head.

The balcony... Louis had locked the sliding door to the balcony and threw away the key, literally. He was scared that asking about what took place with Ben could tick him off and send him crying again, so Louis stayed silent and brooded. His heart dug at him like knives after hearing Harry's confession. But it wasn't hard to figure out what happened. Ben took advantage of the vulnerable boy.

But Louis was not about to let Ben off; he left as many messages as he could, threatening him, questioning him, cursing him for driving Harry to attempted suicide... Louis had tried to say it over the phone but he couldn't even get on to the busy man.

Monitoring his husband’s breaths, he heard the faint knock on the door, and tiptoed out of the room.

Louis opened the door and…Speak of the devil; Ben showed up, blurting out interrogations and demanding to see Harry.

“I need to make sure he was okay!” he thundered when Louis told him to go screw himself.

Ben then asked to take him away from that bloody hotel as he put it, and get him proper help away from Louis, who Ben called a walking trigger for Harry's depression.

Nothing could have been more insulting; Ben was in the small circle of people who knew Harry and Louis had lost a child because Louis remembers he was there when the NDAs got slapped on every single employee of Simon to keep it all quiet. And no, it did not help that sometimes Louis felt his own presence brought Harry to tears knowing he was responsible for getting him pregnant in the first place. But for Ben to stand there and say that to his face from the outside looking in without a clue what they were already going through, and put this all on Louis after he raped a defenseless Harry?

Ben had it coming. Louis threw his arm out and punched him in the face-somewhere between the beady eyes- and told him to go to hell. Feeling like kicking him to high noon, Louis watched as Ben flew back out the door, and he was about to slam it shut when the man's assaulted gaze shot at something behind Louis. And Louis noticed the concern... the fucking genuine concern in the man’s eyes for a teary-eyed Harry who was wrapped in his brown blanket, peeping at them through the tiny open crack of the bedroom doorway. As soon as Louis turned around and glimpsed Harry, he _moused_ back inside.

He rounded on Ben again. "If you come back here, or try to see him, I will make sure the world knows what a rapist and a pervert you really are!" Louis' eyes blazed through Ben before finally slamming the door in his face.

As the door shut he had only time to drag his palm down his tired face before the doorbell rang again.

"I told you-!" he began but stopped mid-sentence. Standing in the doorway was the last person he was expecting. His mother. She exchanged her initial smile for a quizzically worried look at his attitude before striding in with two big brown greasy bags.

"Louis, Dear, how are you and Harry?" she carefully asked, stretching for a hug. "My, what's that smell!?"

Louis sighed. "That would be me."

"Where is Harry?"

Louis' face fell. "They told you, didn't they- I knew it."

"Niall called," she said in a haphazard way, and Louis knew Niall had left out the suicide attempt. "He said Harry's having an episode- Louis, when was the last time you bathed!?"

"Three days ago..." Louis smelled inside his hoodie neck hole, trying not to bring attention to the sting of the new and already scabbing tattoo under his sleeve. He was surprised the thing was even healing without being washed since he got it.

"I've been so scared to leave him alone, even for a second. Liam and Zayn got him these pills from a doctor but I don’t think it's enough." Louis allowed his voice to crack and a tear to fall but refused to completely break down for Harry to see.

"Oh. It's a good thing I'm here then. I'll stay as long as it takes to make sure you are both okay."

"I'll go get Harry." Louis disappeared.

He gave a light knock on the door and entered. The brown ball was moving and he could hear snot sniffling in his nose.

"Harry? My Mum's here..."

Harry rolled over and faced Louis without getting up. "Louis, no! I feel so ashamed. She'll hate me! Please don't tell her!" he shook his head wildly as more tears enveloped his face.

Louis rushed over and pulled him up in a hug. "Niall told her you were down but she doesn't know about the balcony."

"Does she know about everything?"

"No. I don't think Niall would have said. He'd leave that to us. But he knew we needed someone who could actually help."

"I don't need help. I just need you. Don't let her see me like this! Please!"

"Babe, do you remember at X Factor house when we were doing dance practice and I asked you why you looked so pale and you said you were nervous?"

Harry nodded but didn't quite look like he remembered at all.

"Well you were dancing pretty hard in your oversized jacket and it came up an inch and I saw your period."

Harry expanded his eyelids. _"Oh my God, Louis?"_

"I brushed it off because you disappeared and came back with different clothes but it flew out of my mind because it was pretty much a whirlwind for all of us after that with the deliberations. Then on our date, you told me everything and I remembered again the dance rehearsals...

"Harry, you feel embarrassed now because you're shocked that I knew about that but just imagine I knew all this time and loved you all this time without ever thinking about the potentially embarrassing part of it. I'd never scorn you. The sole reason I'm like that is because of my mum. So the point is, if _I_ can weather all this and see you at your worst, then she can too."

"If you saw me bleeding before you knew the truth then what did you think then? Did you think I was dying?" Harry asked, the memory of his cousin running away screaming when Harry first got his period while they were climbing a tree in the backyard flashing across his mind.

"I thought you were way too sexually active for your age," Louis teased. He then patted his hand. "Just let me Mum help."

Harry blinked and looked down. "Okay- well- at least let me wash my face?"

_Knock knock._

"Harry?” Jay called. "Do you want a shower or do you want me to run you a hot bath, Sweetheart?"

"Um, shower?" Harry replied, looking at Louis for agreement.

Louis went into an inner panic giving himself a quick rundown of the ways Harry could kill himself in the shower; strangle himself with the hose, bang his head on the tile, slip on the soap, eat the soap, or choke on the soap. Louis knew the average person might find that funny but it was a horror story in his head.

"Lou?" Harry's voice jerked him out of his thoughts. And he looked up. "Come with me?"

Louis immediately let out the breath he was holding and took Harry’s hand.

\--

Louis scrubbed his husband’s body as they stood under the shower soaking away the last few days.

When he was done it was Louis’ turn to be scrubbed. Harry ran the scrubber over his body and stopped when he saw the dagger tattoo.

“Was it me, Lou?” he asked pensively, passing a light finger over the beat-splashed tattoo. “Did I cause it with the _don’t stop till we surrender _? Was I careless and stupid and should have waited till she was born?”

“No!” Louis pressed his lips reassuringly into his hair. His online knowledge of the dangers of getting a tattoo while pregnant revealed that dirty needles could cause diseases like Hepatitis B and HIV to be transmitted to an unborn fetus. But he and Harry had always been careful with that.

“You were young and jealous and scared. Don’t you ever blame yourself for what happened.”

“I feel so guilty. Like maybe if I had waited a few months until she came...”

Louis rushed and quickly held a sobbing Harry to his chest. “I don’t believe it was anyone’s fault.” He said honestly, squeezing his eyes shut to help the shower hide his own feelings of guilt and tears.

\--

An hour later when they got out and dressed, a large pot of hot chicken soup was waiting on the stove, and Harry's nostrils fluttered. He licked his lips as Jay scooped them out two bowls.

"Hmmm, this is soooo good!" Harry exclaimed, chucking the spoon and lifting the bowl to his mouth.

Louis sat with his still-clean spoon watching him.

"Louis, aren't you gonna eat?" Jay asked, wiping some dishes.

Louis nodded, eyes still planted on Harry. What if he chokes? What if all the soup goes down the wrong passageway? What if...? was all running through his restless mind as the boy gobbled down the soup.

"Can I have some more, please?" Harry asked, holding out the empty bowl to her. Louis smiled. See, Harry wasn't the type to sit and ask for anything, he was the guy who got up and dished out his own soup and everybody else's soup to boot. But his and Jay's relationship was like that. She established from early on that he never had to lift a finger while she was around so that coupled with Louis being raised by her, Harry didn't stand a chance around the two of them and their pampering. He didn't even try. So if Harry wanted more soup his loving mother-in-law dished him out some without a batted eyelash.

Finally contented that the soup would help Harry live instead of die, Louis dug in his bowl. He also emptied his bowl in less than a minute.

"Thank you, Mum," he _singsonged_, taking the two bowls to the sink.

"I'm glad. I was thinking to stay a while. You two need the help." She looked pointedly at Harry and propped her forearms on the counter. Harry looked up as she said, "How bout we have a little talk...?"

The two boys sat together and listened as she spoke. "I know that things are especially hard for you, and you'll always carry that loss with you but the good news is you have each other and this type of grief can either tear you apart or draw you closer together."

Harry nodded and looked down to hide his welling eyes. Louis took his hand and smiled stupidly when he looked at him but neither of them said anything.

"Now, about the key to the balcony...?" Jay branched off, satisfied that her little speech would help. 

And Louis' face diffused into a sick egg-white hue.

"There is no key- We don't need a key- We don't go out there," he covered quickly, eyes darting from her to Harry to his sweater.

*

**Feb 2012- Paris**

Harry was beginning to think Louis was cupid himself at the sight of the romantically decorated hotel room.

February 14th, the day of love. The boys had retreated to their suite for the night after a lovely day driving around Paris with the boys and ducking Natasha, the Modest Management _babysitter _who went with them everywhere including Paris. She was friendly and cool and all the boys got along fine with her but Harry hated that she always had to report their every move back to Walsh. In the beginning when he and Louis didn’t care what she reported they would kiss in front of her- those long _slurpy, facey_ ones that would embarrass anyone looking on, and hold hands in public at exactly the times she told them not to. Until one day she just stopped telling them anything and they started getting less and less calls to Walsh’s office. Both boys figured it was a win and that Natasha had caved. “She’s just not cut out for this kind of job,” Harry had told his boyfriend. “She actually has a soul.”

In the room now Harry moved his head to meet Louis' lips. These quite moments when they shut out the world meant everything to Harry. The moments when it was just them and they didn’t have to stick it to anyone or prove anything to anyone. Their eyes caught, and it was as if time had frozen and his soul stuck on the axis of Louis' eyes.

Harry loved the feel of Louis' mouth on his body. Louis always made him feel loved and wanted. Since he told him he was a hermaphrodite, Louis had been so understanding and went out of his way to show Harry how much he meant to him and reassure him that he wasn't going anywhere. And since the first time they were intimate, they found it hard to be apart. They made use of every opportunity they had alone and snuck around before shows and even interviews, desperate to feel each other's skin and taste each other's mouths. Louis couldn't get enough of Harry, and Harry started to wonder if his duality was a fetish for Louis and if he would still want him if he were normal. These thoughts constantly bothered Harry but he never brought it up. He didn't want to ruin the thing they had going on for almost a year now and they already had management breathing down their necks and finding ways to make them look like they were not fucking the bones off each other.

Lying comfortably in Louis’ arms now, classical music soothing the candle-lit room, he was enjoying spending time with Louis without his insecurities getting in the way.

Then, his eyes shot open. He grabbed his belly, his stomach lurching. Darting to the bathroom, holding his mouth, he felt Louis’ presence already tailing him, and stopped dead. Louis nearly crashed into him; Harry did not make it to the bathroom; he was doubled over with splatters of vomit on the hallway floor.

Louis kneeled and palmed his shoulder and back.

"It was probably the seafood platter," Harry supposed. “That paella wasn’t particularly well cooked.”

Louis blinked at him, a grin appearing. "Kissy kissy!" he dived in all of a sudden. Harry almost fell in the puddle trying to get away but Louis’ strong hand grabbed him around the waist just in time.

His face went to kiss his neck and Harry stiffened in sensitivity.

"Louis! You- crazy bitch! Ewwww!"

Louis cupped his cheeks firmly, looking at him with a dead-serious 'love face'. Harry licked his lips and swallowed down as much bitter as he could, unable to divert from the imminent kiss.

*

**Mon 1st December - Tues 2nd December 2014**

The TV played low as Harry lay on the couch, head on Jay's lap as she stroked his hair so light he was falling asleep.

The sound of her chips bag crunching was interrupted by Louis' key opening the door on his arrival back from the studio.

"Hey," Louis breathed tiredly, making his way and kneeling in front of the couch, pressing a deep kiss on Harry's mouth before retreating to a bath.

Not much took place that night. Louis basically crashed in bed next to Harry and sailed off to dreamland with the comfort of knowing his mother was there.

So when the next morning came and Louis crawled out of bed he had expected this day to be the same; breakfast, work, drop Harry back home songwriting with Liam again, back home for dinner. But the minute he opened the bedroom door and dragged himself out in the hall, his stomach immediately dropped to his feet.

Giggling and chatting about god knows what while eating toast was Harry and Jay... Out on the _balcony._

He gasped for air, feeling his lungs tighten in his chest, and he darted out.

"How did you get out here!?" he barked at Harry who had his foot up on the patio table. He quickly moved it.

"The bellboy opened it for me," Jay tried to say amid his frantic turning. "Louis, what-"

"What!?" _What business does he have coming into my apartment!_

He gripped his stomach which had started churning, though empty.

"Get inside! Get inside NOW!"

Harry scrambled in with Jay, and Louis slammed the door shut.

"Don't go outside!" He shouted at Harry before fumbling with the lock. His hands were like little squirrels scurrying all over the place. He felt his mother's hand on his shoulder. "Mum, promise me you won't open it again!"

"Louis! What has gotten into you!?"

"Promise me!"

Louis was having a meltdown.

Bile rose at the back of his tongue and he lurched. Nothing came out but now he was diving for the bathroom.

He leaned over the bowl and lurched all his stomach juices. He looked up to see his mother quickening to his side. He almost choked on his breath.

"MUM, NO! What are you doing!? You have to go back! You can't leave Harry!" he bawled into the toilet bowl.

"Louis, what's the matter!?"

Louis jumped to his feet and rushed to the exit. Jay slammed the door before he could get out.

"What is going on here! Why are you acting like this!? Are you sick?" she planted her knuckles on his forehead as he grabbed her sleeves. He tried to tug her out of the way but she didn't budge. I knew something was wrong. You've grown so thin and pale.

Louis was hysterical. "Mum, please! I can't lose him! Please open the door!"

Jay shook her head in bewilderment. "I can't help you if you won't tell me! What is going on, Louis? Both of you have been acting strange since I got here!"

"I ca- I can't- I can't, Mum!" Louis cried, blinded by his tears as he pried open the door. "Open the door-or!"

Jay shifted and Louis squeezed through the creek. He came to an abrupt stop. He almost knocked Harry over as the boy mashed brakes in front of him.

Something wet hit his chest and he looked down.

Jay came out and stood behind him.

Harry held the glass up to Louis. "I made you some- um- it's just club soda and aromatic bitters. It helped me when..." a dimness in his eyes took over and Louis knew what he was going to say.

But Louis couldn't speak either. His face was all wet with snot and tears and Harry had a look on his face that screamed "I really fucked up, didn't I?" but Louis didn't care, because a minute ago he was scared to death of Harry being alone in the living room and now here he was standing all _whole_ and sheepish with club soda to take care of Louis.

He scooped him close and buried his face in the boy's curls. "I'm sorry," he cried for only Harry to hear. "I have to tell her, she's my Mum."

Harry tensed in his arms but then slowly he eased. "It's okay. I agree. I should be the one to tell her what I did."

Louis nodded as he eased off and took the sides of Harry's head in his hands. "We'll do it together."

\--

Harry had cried himself to sleep not long after they told Jay about his suicide attempt carefully leaving out the part about Ben. She had held him the entire time, saying anything and everything she could to make it better but he kept wailing about how he disappointed her and hurt Louis.

Now Jay closed the door to let him rest and went to the kitchen. She folded her arms in the doorway, vigilant eyes on her son still in his pajamas, sipping the drink Harry made him, looking down woefully into the cup and adding tears to its contents.

"Louis?" she slowly crept up and joined him at the table, brows drawing towards the middle of her forehead. "Is it too much?"

He looked up at her, eyes knowing the story behind the concerned question, and the tears came falling harder, as he gave up on the cup and bowed his head on the table. "Yes, Mum. It hurts like hell and I don't know what to do."

Jay nodded decisively to herself, reaching over to squeeze his hand. "Then let Mummy take it from here, baby."

*

**Feb 2012, Paris cont’d**

Leaving Louis asleep naked under the red satin sheets, Harry snuck away to the bathroom. He opened the cupboard and read the label on the pregnancy test he had gotten one of the security to buy along with a bunch of other stuff like condoms and toiletries. It wasn’t an issue with privacy as their security detail was tight with that kind of thing, plus they would just think what everyone thinks; ‘ladies’ man’ Harry taking precautions to not get some random girl pregnant. And yes random girls often made it up to their hotel floors, but always ended up in Zayn’s and Liam’s rooms- not Niall, he was in a serious relationship with a radio host who interviewed the boys once.

Simon, Paul the head of security, Modest management, and all the boys of One Direction knew Harry was hermaphrodite but no one else, not Ben and his camera men, not even the security staff under Paul was to know otherwise if word got out there would be devastating backlash for the band.

He crouched and peed over the test and the toilet bowl, doubting it would come up positive. They ate all kinds of weird nonsense since joining the band. This had to be the latest bad reaction to foreign cuisine.

He then sat on the covered bowl as time passed for the test to read. His abdomen was in pain, his stomach nauseous and as a result, he had been weak all day.

After a few minutes, Harry got up and picked up the test. He took one look and dropped it, shaking, clutching the edge of the sink as it fell in.

The noise must have woken Louis because he was now dragging his feet through the narrow space in the bathroom door.

“Where’d you go? I can’t get to sleep when you’re not there,” he leaned on the doorway, rubbing his eyes. His eyes clearing and seeing the seriousness in Harry’s aura, the boy took a queue and came to his side, enveloping him.

"Lou!" Harry called, dizzy. “I took a test. It's positive."

Harry looked in the sink and lifted his head back up to Louis reflection in bathroom the mirror, eyes watering. The look on Louis' face was hard to read as he said, "It's okay. We'll figure it out."

*

**Wed December 3rd 2014**

**Harry's POV**

Anne nudged her son to the conference room at Syco studios. She and Jay had shown up separately on the guise of just checking on all the boys with pumpkin pie.

Harry heard people gibbering inside and immediately felt sick. "Mum, I can't sit through another meeting. I want to go home with Lou."

The boys of One Direction had already endured ten minutes of Simon's basted stuffed-pig smile and Harry was not keen on going back in there smelling his residue sweat after he left.

"Louis' inside, Honey. We all need to talk to about some things."

Harry's lips parted and he jerked his head in question. Anne nodded and gestured for them to go in.

Harry stopped short when he saw it was not just Louis in there. It was Louis, Jay, Gemma, Harry's stepdad Robin, and Des- Harry's _father._

"What are you doing here?" he spat at the man before rounding on his mother. "What is this?"

Anne grabbed his arm harshly. "Harry. apologize to your father! He's here because he cares about what happens to you."

Harry was about to let out a curse when Jay started talking and he let it stifle. "Sit down, dear."

Harry obeyed.

"Mark and Dan wanted to be here but they had previously set schedules." She sounded deeply sorry about that information and Harry wondered why, since he had no idea what was going on. She latched her eyes to his pointedly like they were in their own little conversation and he followed her gaze to an awkward Des who looked regretful of being there.

Harry exchanged some 'Why the hell is he here' eyebrows with his sister who looked like she had been crying before he walked in. Harry's eyes moved to his stepdad who was always around back to his dad whom he had not seen in months. The man stood there all businesslike with his shades over his head and arms folded. Gemma must have some kind of big news for everyone or something.

Listening to Jay's silent plea, Harry rolled his eyes and threw the man a resented nod, trying to regroup himself into _supportive brother_ mode.

Anne spoke first. "We think it's best if the two of you took a breather." Her hands were shaky holding a napkin.

Harry kept his gaze on her, not yet gripping what she just said. He steered off at everyone else and that's when it hit him- this was a bloody intervention. "What? You can't tell us to stop seeing each other! We're adults. How can you even suggest such a thing!? How dare you come here and do this to Louis!" Harry flew up in a frenzy and grabbed his bag and coat.

"Harry!" Robin finally spoke up to shout after him but he was not listening. He grabbed the door handle and yanked it open.

Des hit the man a vexed look and pushed himself off the wall in reaction. 

"Harry, I..." Louis, who was quiet the whole time, barely whispered now. "I-" he sounded like he hadn't the strength to finish but it was enough to stop Harry from walking out. "I couldn't do this alone." 

"I can't do it like this," he said to his mother but was really speaking to all of them. "Can you give us a minute?"

Jay hesitated, looking to Anne who was now wiping her nose and staring at her son.

"Louis is breaking up with you," Anne then blurted out, ignoring Louis' request. "You need time to heal and pull yourself together, Harry, because you are not okay and Louis' not okay since you scared him half to death when you threatened to jump off a _twenty-five story building!_" she started off normal but then the last three words came out like a shattered glass case and she was descending into sobs.

Closing the door and turning to face them again, Harry threw Louis a betrayed look. Louis took it and turned to his mother desperately. "Can I talk to Harry alone?"

Jay beckoned for the others to follow her out and Anne did with the two men slugging reluctantly behind her.

"I can't believe you brought them here!" Harry barked at Louis once they were alone.

"What were you thinking telling my mother? She brought my dad here!" Harry was horrified Louis would let this happen. One of the reasons they were so good together was their similar life experiences both growing up without their biological fathers around. Harry's father had still been available sometimes when called upon but Louis' father was completely absent up until just before he auditioned for Xfactor. But Louis knew how resentful Harry was that even after he thought things were patched up with his dad the man still found the audacity to blow off their wedding for a dumb business trip.

Louis kept his gaze on his fiddling hands, shaky and fidgety as he seemed to ignore Harry's rant.

Louis swallowed and glanced at him for a second before saying, "They say when couples go through something like this they are supposed to come out stronger than ever not end up like us. Have you ever thought maybe it would be best if we just- separ- rated?"

"You're really doing this. You're giving up on me." Harry frowned deeply, his lips quivering with a hot retort on the edge.

"I will never give up on you! I just-"

"We're married and you're walking out on me!" Harry gestured his hands in confusion. "You promised me you wouldn't leave. You said you'd take care of me."

"I have to do this," Louis' face was in a pool of tears. "I don't even have the strength to take care of myself anymore."

Harry turned up his bottom lip, hands brushing the surface of the table casually. "So you're just gonna pack up and be a coward?"

Louis looked at him with shock at his coldness.

“Did you tell them about Ben?”

“No. I promised you I wouldn’t. But it happened, didn’t it? But let's face it- we are all wrapped in so many NDAs that he won't see justice. He took advantage of you and now it’s just another thing on the pile of shit I can't say.” Louis was in pieces. “I feel like everything is crashing down on us.”

Harry glared at him without a word in reply to that. He knew it was why Louis was doing this. Because he didn't forgive him for cheating. Why would he? "I'm gonna go home," he said, emotionless. "And wait for you. And we're gonna talk about this there. You're not breaking up with me in this goddamn place!" He jumped up and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

*

**Wed 3rd December 2014 cont’d**

**Jay's pov**

Jay, Anne, Des and Robin all had a talk with Harry in the about what was going to happen next. Des suggested he take a break from the band to which Harry told him to shove it. Robin said Harry should be placed in rehab to get off the drugs but Anne said there was no way Simon would allow him the time off to do that. Gemma insisted that Harry talk to a therapist to let his feelings about his grief out and that maybe _talking_ was the best way to deal with this. Jay watched as Anne hit her daughter a pointed glare to shut up since Des had no clue about the secret they had to keep although he knew about Harry's loss. Robin knew, as he was told after the fact, so he placed a stopping hand on his stepdaughter's shoulder to stop her from secretly prompting them to finally Harry the truth. Louis just stood there in a spaced out look on his face not even on to her.

He raised his head when Jay finally quipped that it was best for Harry and Louis to see separate therapists and live apart until they were in a less fragile place.

After the two older men left to go about their day, Anne and Gemma had driven Harry home, with Jay right behind them with Louis in her wagon. She knew her son was a strong young man but he needed her now. She knew this was the time to act on his behalf before he fell apart. She was already seeing the signs.

Gemma went with Harry into the elevator to the suite, but Jay saw that Anne seemed to be waiting for her to catch up.

"Save your son, Jay," she said as Jay met her and put a hand on her back. "I'm not mad if you take him away from my little _train wreck_. I still can't believe Harry did that."

“Maybe Gemma is right. Maybe we made a grave error by keeping this secret from him,” the woman whispered sullenly. She looked weary and forlorn with worry over what had happened. And Jay was too, but this wasn't the face the boys needed to see from their mothers now. This time called for strength to keep them sane.

"Anne, don't think that we're not in this together," she said pressing the elevator button and leading her inside. "We all kept that secret from Harry for his own good. I wonder sometimes too that the truth would have been better but then would Harry still be with us if we did? He’s barely holding on as it is.” She adjusted her handbag strap on her shoulders. “And to think what this is doing to Louis. Your son may be suicidal but mine is all signed up and ready to go straight behind him."

*

**Feb 22nd 2012**

**Seven weeks and four days into pregnancy.**

Harry was agitated. "We can't tell anyone. If people find out, we could lose everything. The label knows about me but they think I can't get pregnant. I didn't even I could! How did this happen!"

Louis felt like shrinking._ I fucked you and got you pregnant. That's how it happened._

"We're not telling anyone about this. I don't think my body can go through with it so hopefully, it'll naturally fall out soon. Okay?"

Louis felt like shrinking even smaller. _Fall out?_ "You want it to _fall out _?"

Harry looked at him. "Well, we can't keep it!?" he said like a stern question. "Have you been listening to me? I'm in a boyband! People think I'm a boy! It's hard enough If people find out that not only am I a freak but I'm pregnant -and by my bandmate- all of our careers are over!"

Louis would have gotten it without the shouting. But Harry was upset and scared and pregnant. Louis moved in and held him.

Who told him to do that? The hold felt different. Strange, like…like it had more purpose. Like he was now responsible for something… someone…other than Harry.

"We won't tell anyone, Harry. But my mum-"

"No!" Harry ripped away. He clutched his collar and demanded eye contact. "She's a nurse! If you tell her she'll want to get doctors involved! Those doctors could tell on us!"

Louis nodded crazily. Harry was right. No one should know about this. But the boys.

"I'm telling the boys."

Eyes going wild, Harry shook his head. "Especially not the boys! Please, Louis, my body's not going to keep it. Please let's wait a while and see." He buried his head in his shoulder, sobbing, and the only thing Louis was allowed to say after that was anything that didn't have to do with the pregnancy.

*

**Wed December 3rd 2014 cont’d**

**Jay's pov**

While Anne looked to find something to make in the kitchen to keep her from breaking down, Jay sat with a pile of clothing on Louis and Harry's bed. In the corner of her eye, by the door, she recognized Harry's outline and looked to him. His eyes were stuck on the suitcase she was filling for Louis to come stay with her.

"Doesn't he have clothes there?" Harry asked coldly, arms folded, eyes boring down on her actions as she folded the shirt.

"Yes, but..." Jay didn't know what to say. Harry had a point, but if Louis was to make a complete severance for his own good, the clothes should not stay. What if he needs something and has to come back for it? She wouldn't put it past Louis to fly all the way over here with an excuse that he needed his Adidas jumper just to see Harry. And she didn't doubt Harry was relying on something like that.

"I know this is hard," she said, unzipping another large suitcase and flipping open the top on the bed, careful not to look at Harry directly in the eyes as she did so. "But both of you need time apart. Harry, you need to get yourself better."

Not listening, Harry loosened his arms and strode over to the dresser. "Not that half the stuff you've packed aren't actually mine, but I want him to take this too," he pulled out an old grey T-shirt that looked just right to sleep in and rolled it up untidily. He then stuffed it in the suitcase between some other clothing.

Jay looked at him.

"It's what I was wearing when I told him about me and he said he loved me anyway, and we realized we loved each other." A flickering light danced across his eyes as though they were reliving the moment, playing it out on film, and Jay couldn’t feel worse.

She pulled the sweater back out and started folding it better, hoping his anger towards her would somehow soften at the gesture, but instead Harry sat beside her with an angrier demeanor.

"You weren't there. Louis promised me things...He wouldn't just walk out on me. He makes me better. If I get worse, it'll be all yours and my Mum's fault."

Jay's tongue seized. Nowhere in that did he even acknowledge that this is affecting Louis too. Where did sweet little Harry go?

Not pretending she did not know the answer to that, she reached out to touch him. "Harry?"

Harry jumped up in a fury and exited the room, leaving Jay to wonder how all this could have happened.

\--

**Wednesday 3rd December 2014 cont’d**

**Louis pov**

An hour later Jay dragged her son's suitcase out of the bedroom.

Harry stood with his arms folded and hot tears brimming and leaking out his eyes. The shoes he had on gave a tiny squeak on the marble tile and for a second Louis thought he was gonna make a dash for him. But Harry stayed next to Robin and let Anne hug Louis goodbye.

"I promise he's going to get help, Louis. It's a really good doctor."

Louis made to hug Harry but he shoved away.

"You said you loved me!" he cried, arms still defensive under his armpits.

"Always, Harry."

"Then don't leave me." Harry desperately clasped his hands together.

Louis looked to his Mum for some kind of guidance but her expression was only a mirror of his.

"Please, I'll never hurt you like that again, I promise. I promise."

"I can't leave him, Mum." Louis dropped his duffle bag.

"No!" Anne rushed to them. "Louis, listen to me, this has taken such a toll on you that if we didn't see it- if you hadn't said anything, then God knows what might have happened to both of you. Now, you let your mother take you and restore some normalcy in your life again.” Her voice was commanding, both hands on his cheeks.

All Louis could do is shake his head fervently. "I'm not leaving him."

Anne held a hand over her heart. "Oh, you sweet boy, you don't deserve this. I know you love my son, but you need to be okay too. We've got him. We do. Please get yourself better. We've got Harry.” She then turned to Harry. “Harry, behave yourself and say your goodbyes."

"I hate you," was Harry's answer to her before dashing in front of Louis and taking his hands. They interdigitated, and Louis' tears flowed even heavier knowing it won't be happening again for a while. His mother made it clear, a clean break was necessary. No Harry outside of the band. No living together, no gifts, no rendezvous…

Louis kissed his hands long and hard, and pulled away, following his mother out.

As the door closed behind them Jay stopped in the hallway and massaged her forehead.

"Mum?" Louis asked. She had been complaining of headaches while at theirs but nothing some aspirin could not help.

"Did you see the way he looked at me?" she said, looking second-thought-_ish._ "Like I'm the bad guy? I feel horrible! Like I'm taking you away from him."

Louis blinked. "You're right, I should go back."

"No! This is for the good of both of you. This is too much for you and you need me now. I'm not about to let you break into pieces."

She started walking steadfast to the elevator and Louis reluctantly followed.

She was about to press the _down_ button when the apartment door burst open and they heard a commotion. Then Harry ran out and dove straight for the elevator, jumping into Louis' arms.

"I just want you to be okay,” he whispered in Louis’ ear. “Are you gonna be okay without me?"

"I love you so much. I'm so sorry," Louis held him tight and sobbed. "I feel like I let you down."

Anne and Gemma came out.

"You didn't. Your health matters too," Harry replied, planting kisses randomly on Louis face. "Promise you'll get help too and come back to me."

Jay smiled. Harry's still in there.

Louis nodded and Harry stepped back with a little thumbs up. Louis did it back- it was their thing- and Jay hit the down button this time. Harry’s face disappearing with the closing of the elevator, Louis buried his head in his mother’s shoulder to cry.

Once outside, Louis climbed in the chauffeured car behind his mother, but as the engine ensued-

"Stop the car! Don't drive off, please!"

Jay stretched both hands on his shoulders looking into Louis' hysterical eyes.

"I can't leave him, Mum. Please…don't make me, please! I need him and he needs me. He's never going to get better without me!" he wailed, dropping his forehead into his hands.

Jay motioned to the concerned driver to continue going.

Louis shouted all the way around the corner. "Mum!?"

Jay ignored him and he realized she was on the phone. "Anne? He doesn't want to go. Can you just get Harry on the phone for a second? Thanks…"

Louis' cries died down on hearing the conversation.

She handed him the phone.

_"Lou?"_

"Harry? I love you so much. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry…"

_"Lou, listen to me,"_ Harry’s now strangely composed voice mechanized through the phone. _"I'll be okay. I promise you. I want you to get better and that means I stay out of trouble. I'll stay strong for you, okay?"_

"Okay," Louis wheezed, hanging up the phone and burrowing his head in his mother's shoulders.

*

**March 22nd 2012**

**Eleven weeks and five days into pregnancy.**

**Harry pov**

Harry was still scared to tell his family or anyone about the pregnancy. Louis begged him to tell their parents before Modest found out but Harry declined every time. They didn't know what move to make that wouldn't put their careers in jeopardy. He didn't know how else to feel about being pregnant other than total fear. He had been sick every day in the middle of a tour and Louis couldn't exactly run off stage behind him if he needed to throw up in the middle of a performance.

Harry knew he couldn't go to a doctor for fear of Modest, the Press or even fans finding out, so he told everyone it was a stomach virus while Louis looked up everything about pregnancies and safe painkillers on the internet. He took a billion pregnancy tests and they all came back positive even though he didn't know how far along he was.

As the plane made its usual noise landing crisp over the runway, Harry sighed in relief. He was glad to be in London again as it meant he would be back home for a bit of free time before performances again.

Harry and Louis were inseparable and Harry knew anywhere with Louis was his home, but something about being back in the house they bought together almost a year ago made Harry nostalgic. They did all the renovations and planned the decor together, each putting in their own personal touches. Louis insisted on getting Harry every type of pot imaginable and weird kitchen utensils that Harry knew he might never find use for even though he loved to cook. With the way Harry was feeling he needed to curl up next to Louis and sip hot tea with no obligations to work in a hurry. He figured they would have time to sort this thing out and decide what to do.

Harry and Louis shared a home together for a while now since they started the band but now everything was different. Now they had a third person with them like an excited puppy that couldn't wait to see its master. It was the first time Harry ever looked at things from this perspective.

_What if we have this baby? What if it grows into something?_

*

**Friday 12th Dec 2014- Los Primios 40Principales **

It had been a week and a half since the breakup. Louis had been much better physically and therapy wasn't all that 'cake and balloons' but he soldiered through, which was more than he could say for Harry. Since they broke up he had been partying and taking ecstasy with his new celebrity/ socialite friends, something management wasn't too worried about in comparison to what color clothes Louis had on every day. Things had already gotten so bad with the straight walks with the book over the head, and the voice inflection checks that Louis just decided to wear plain black not to stand out in the band and opt-out of speaking in interviews which was unfortunate for the other boys when they didn't know what to say because Louis was always the first to answer questions shot at the band. And not to mention the pap walks with _'my girlfriend Eleanor'_ hadn't died down at all. Louis was almost at his limit with Modest management. The only good about it all that he saw was that despite the boy's obvious problems Harry was free to wear the quirkiest pieces he liked and wear his hair long and display his own distinctive camp-style like Louis had taught him since XFactor days.

Although Louis was proud and very much still in love with the boy, they hadn't gotten to a point where they were on the same page where getting back together was concerned. And that was all on Harry.

He was in therapy and got off the painkillers which dropped his suicidal thoughts dramatically, but the type of friends he was running with was more than a flowing tap of little things that ease the pain.

The ironic thing was…Louis didn't think he wanted to stay broken up until the first big post-breakup argument came at the Los Premios 40 Principales awards in Madrid. All the boys were relaxing backstage in a corner their staff specially furnished for the band. 

"Everywhere I turn I see you and fucking _Nick Grimshaw!_" Louis started on Harry's case as soon as he sat next to him. He and Zayn were high again today and it brought out his anger at what Harry had been doing during their breakup. Harry was supposed to be staying away from the druggie crews not increasing his nightlife.

"We are broken up! It shouldn't matter to you who I hang out with _or_ who I fuck!" Harry raked a side flip in his hair striding in his sleek black suit.

"That doesn't mean you can- So you're _fucking _him!?" Louis’ anger diverted. _What the fuck is Harry thinking? _

Harry grew angry. With himself- Ben was not supposed to creep in this conversation.

_~~_

_Harry sat with Gemma watching late-night TV. Louis had been gone for two days now and even with the company it wasn’t quite right. He ate a whole tub of ice-cream and had seen a couple of doctors and therapists already but still Harry felt like he didn’t deserve to even be alive. He kept thinking about how Louis had punched Ben and how powerless he was to even have the strength to get out there and calm Louis down. Harry saw the concern in Ben’s eyes when he was asking about him and he had he had heard Louis yelling into his phone receiver in the other room telling Ben what he had caused. Harry felt like crap for hurting Louis but deep down he knew Ben wasn’t to blame. _

_Harry remembered drunkenly giggling and parting his legs willingly for the man to finger him. Harry remembered hating how good his big warm hands felt between his legs and how musky and manly he smelled looming over him. All Ben did was finger him no more no less but Harry felt so dirty and disgusting for letting Ben touch him like that when Louis had been denied it for so long. Up until he cheated, Harry’s body had belonged only to Louis, and now that he defiled it, all Harry felt was worthless and only good to be thrown off a balcony._

_Gemma had drifted off to sleep on the couch beside him, and Anne was in another suite in the hotel fast asleep with Robin but Harry was still wide awake. He hadn’t touched his phone since looking at the picture Louis sent him that triggered him to jump so he guessed he would take the time to check it now for messages._

_He opened the screen- A slew of voicemail from Ben. He opened them up: message after message were asking him if he was okay and apologising for touching him that night and begging him to call back. One of them was an extensive confession that he had a huge crush on Louis that he thought would subside if he_ _experienced for himself what it was about Harry that Louis only had eyes for. It went on to say that he knew now what it was and that Harry must feel so violated by him but that he couldn’t stop thinking about it needed for Harry to know that he would never touch him like that again. Harry was thinking “what a classic stalker” when a fresh voicemail appeared from the man._

_‘Harry? I’m in a limo out front,” he sounded hysterical like he was crying, “I need to talk to someone. It’s about Meri. I can’t- I can’t talk on the phone. Please come outside. I don’t know what to do.”_

_Harry’s eyeballs popped open wide. Did he tell Meri? Oh no, she must hate me. Over the course of the year of Ben working closer with the band, Harry had gotten to know his wife Meredith and found her to be a chirpy delightful woman who would talk to Harry like another big sister. Her kindness had only served to shovel in more guilt at what he had done. He had to ask Ben what happened._

_Grabbing his hoodie jacket he pulled it on and placed it over his head to hide his face from onlookers and eased his way out of the hotel undetected by a sleeping Gemma who was not supposed to leave him alone. Down to the lobby now he opened the doors and charged outside. Feeling like his body was about to drop on the pavement from weakness, he knocked on the limousine door. It opened and Harry ducked inside._

_Ben was facing him leaning forward with his fists clenched as though stopping himself from reaching out to touch Harry with all his might. _

_“Are you okay? I can’t believe you almost jumped off the hotel balcony? Louis left me voicemails and I was out of my mind with worry that I had done this to you. Please tell me you’re okay now.”_

_“I’m fine. I’m getting help. What happened with Meri? Did she find out about what we did?”_

_Ben’s face changed from worry to despair as he shook his head. “No. She had a miscarriage the same day I came to see you. She won’t let me near her.” He descended into sobs burying his face in his hands._

_“She will. You just have to give her time. I needed time too.” Harry found it panful to talk about but something about Ben crying in front of him was triggering his situation with Louis and showing him how Louis must feel to not be able to have sex the way they used to._

_“What was it like for you?” Ben asked, genuine. _

_“Um, I was in pain for weeks after but took painkillers because of the band schedules. And the doctors gave me this thin but super strong plaster so I could perform without my stitches ripping open.”_

_Something about that seemed to send Ben off into another batch of sobs. Harry had to stay quiet while he cried, lightly and apprehensively rubbing his back for some kind of tentative support._

_“It’s like the universe is punishing me for touching you. I’m sorry I took advantage of you, Harry,” Ben sniffled when he finally emerged from his crying. “I’ve never done things like that before. I love Meri, I do. It’s just I was always Pan.”_

_“It’s okay. You don’t have to do this. I’m sorry about your face.”_

_“Are you kidding me? This isn’t your fault. I know I deserved it but I honestly thought you and Louis were having problems. At the party you were rambling on and on about Eleanor and why she was even there when Louis wasn’t and your face changed every time I talked about him, so I may have misconstrued the whole thing.”_

_“Well, not the whole thing. We were having problems. Like you were saying about your wife, I’m finding it hard to be intimate with him, you know, where our baby was.”_

_“Harry, that was two years ago. You were eighteen. Surely you’ve done it since.”_

_Harry swallowed and shook his head. “We’ve done other things, just not inside there. I don’t want him in there.”_

_“But...Harry...it’s not like you don’t get hot there,” Ben alluded, his eyes made the point of what they did. “How do you satisfy yourself there?”_

_“I don’t,” Harry vigorously shook his head. Ben then looked at him like he wanted to say something but was afraid._

_“What? We do other things. I shouldn’t even be telling you this.”_

_“It’s okay,” Ben’s eyes moved over Harry like he was learning him. “You deserve to be loved there. You came right on my hand. There was so much of it. Now I know why. It’s because you hadn’t been loved there in a long time.”_

_Harry stopped breathing as Ben spoke in a deep drone easing closer to him. Something in his stare was a surprising innocence and Harry found it hard to want to push Ben away. Backing away just as slowly, Harry’s back jammed onto the door controls. Now Ben was right up onto him and boring into his eyes with desire. He was so close Harry could feel the heat in his groin._

_Ben palmed his hair and smoothed his thumb over his hairline. “Can I love you there?”_

_Harry breathed deep to avoid an overload panic attack. “If you ask me I’m going to say no.”_

_Ben didn’t smile. His eyes followed his thumb to Harry’s bottom lip, flipping it open in want. “So that’s a yes then.”_

_Harry didn’t reply with more than a blink. Ben let his thumb trail down Harry’s neck, then he was cupping Harry’s ears and kissing him hungrily but not rough. Harry found himself kissing him back while gripping his strong wrists tightly._

_Ben then pulled away, a fire in his eyes that Harry read well._

_“I love Louis,” he said quickly, head tilted in hopes that Ben would just take that and go._

_“And I love Meri,” Ben smoothed his palm down Harry’s cheek, eyes in a dazed lust._

_"I'm gonna go." Harry was already opening the door._

_"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come on to you like that," Ben grabbed his hand on the door handle. "I just- can't help myself."_

_"Well, you're going to have to, because nothing is going to happen here ever again," Harry said as Ben backed off into his seat. "I can't do that to Louis again."_

_"I understand. I'm such a loser. First I ruin my own marriage and now I wanna ruin yours."_

_"My marriage is a mess, but it'll never be over. Not really. Louis and I have a connection that can never be ruined. But for the record, I think you and Mere are really great together and you shouldn't give up so easy."_

_Ben wiped his tears. "You think so?"_

_Harry nodded, hand easing of the door handle._

_"Can you um... Can you tell me what it was like losing your baby? I need to know what Mere might be feeling right now."_

_Harry swallowed deep and searched for the right place to begin..._

~~

"Will you two keep your voices down!" Niall rasped at them, adjusting the rolled-up sleeves of his loose checked shirt before they get called out to their seats in the stadium. Liam gave them a look and whispered to Niall. "I swear they argue a lot for a broken up couple."

"We're still married!" The current sound of Louis' voice was alien. Like a dying dog in the wilderness. And his sweet Donny accent just made it more pathetic. Harry knew it was directed at him rather than the others.

"Fuck you, Harry," he said, not much difference in the tone. He didn't even have the strength to be properly angry.

"Louis!" Harry grabbed his wrist.

"So what is it? Is he more of a man than me?"

"No!" Harry dragged his hair back as he snorted, "No…"

He kept saying no in a pitiful wail, hoping it drove in how horrible he felt for opening up to Ben about his relationship with Louis. It felt like it was cheating to another level.

"No. Nick is just a friend. But Ben and I..."

Louis's eyes poured all over Harry. "_Ben and- _Arry, he took advantage of you while you were _drunk_. I can't imagine why you would -Is he blackmailing you?"

Harry didn't want to have to tell Louis the truth that he had found himself talking to Ben on the phone more having conversations about their lives with Louis and Meredith and how much they loved the children they didn’t get to parent, and the man was proving to be a good friend who listened. So he fired back instead- "What? No! -It's none of your business! I don't ask you about _her_ anymore and why you keep dangling her in front of my face every time knowing I'm in constant agony over her! I'm so fedup. I'm gonna tell Simon I want her gone or I'm leaving!"

"Whadyou mean ‘_leaving?’_ Arry?" The _Arry_ only came out when Louis was drunk and/or high. "Wait- did he just turn the whole conversation around to Eleanor? Louis wasn't _sleeping with Eleanor. How dare he when he was cheating with Nick, or Ben, or both._

"I'm leaving the band." Harry let it slip, shutting his mouth as soon as the last word escaped, too late to stop it.

A low distant snort sounded from the far end of the sofa and Harry turned to see Zayn, hair slickly tied back bring out his big pretty but now calculating eyes.

The boys were escorted to their seats where the awards show commenced and to their surprise they won an award for Story of My Life video, another one directed by Ben.

Harry and Zayn lead the way to the stage followed by the others in semi-casual outfits. Except Louis who didn't even bother dressing up- strutting out on stage in a plain brown T-shirt.

He didn't give two fucks really, he was just happy to have gotten an award with his mates- That was until Harry gave the speech thanking Ben Winston and talking about the fun they had making the video. And Louis would have been fine if Harry had not left the speech at that- The bastard was so caught up in talking about Ben he didn't even thank the fans!

*

**April 22nd, 2012**

**16 weeks and 1 day into pregnancy**

Harry was now four months along. Louis and Harry both guessed it by reading books and browsing on the internet although it was frustrating that there was nothing on herm pregnancies. Harry said he knew it was because people like him did not have bodies equip to carry a child to term. But the more time passed, the more it became real and the more Louis wanted it. Every time he laid next to Harry it was harder when the time came to get up. Louis would feel the baby pulling him like a magnet, preventing him from leaving them-yes them- and he was definitely not complaining. Okay maybe when Harry argues that it makes too hot backstage when it's actually freezing or that he can't borrow Louis' clothes anymore because they’re too tight around the tummy now or when he wants to have Christmas pudding ice-cream too late at night knowing it makes his tummy hurt especially when it hurts regularly, heck Louis is silently complaining whenever Harry is blatantly complaining.

He found Harry annoying at the same time that Harry found him annoying yet when they were alone they were each end of the other's body, twirling and cuddling like kittens sleeping or not sleeping. Most days they just watched TV or the other way around as they just sat silent until they dozed off to sleep.

He rubbed his belly and made his tea and took him in the arms when his emotions took over and he cried. Louis was afraid of the love he had for the little family in his arms. He tried hard to show strength and capability to handle the situation like an adult.

One day he walked into the bedroom and Harry was standing there in his pajamas stretching his freshly lotioned arms up so his bump showed, and Louis lost all his composure. He turned away quickly to hide his welling eyes but the boy's hand met his elbow and he turned back.

"It's okay to cry about it, Louis. I know this is happening to you too." They got into bed and Harry soothed him, rubbing his back as he cried himself to sleep for once.

*

**Monday 15th Dec 2014**

Three days after Louis and Harry’s outburst and things could not have been worse for the boys of One Direction. They sat in the Syco meeting room after a dozen lawyers got up and exited with Simon and Zayn.

"What just happened?" Liam was stoneware.

Zayn had just walked out of the office leaving the boys sitting there without another word.

Nobody expected it. He was angry. He had drifted from the band but still, …they were One Direction. Weren’t they?

Harry jumped up. "Aren't gonna say something? Where's your little speech about how you pulled one over on us!?" He trod behind him. "Why aren't you gloating, you bastard!?"

Louis caught up and held him from lunging at him. Zayn looked at Harry and shook his head.

"After everything you put this band through you're gonna stand there and blame me for getting out while I still can? When you’re the one who said you wanted to leave first? When you're the one who knew your body couldn't handle a pregnancy that you knew could end all our careers?”

"Zayn, I'll have to stop you there." Louis said aloud, but Zayn went on.

“-And when you lost it you still decided to try to sabotage the band? Every single day since then you never let any of us forget that your life sucked."

Niall and Liam stood with Louis metering the argument from escalating.

Looking unsympathetic at Harry, Zayn gave a hefty snort. "You know you said Louis was the only one who can love you? We'll he can do so much better than you. Cause the minute he told you he needed space you go and fuck Ben Winston- _again_. Do you ever think about what you did to him? He just got a tattoo you wanted and with it a whole new wave of straight-washing.”

He then turned to Louis. “You think I want to stick around and watch them push you further and further into the background until you’re not you anymore? How many tattoos do you have to get before you realize he's feeding you to them?" he pointed to Harry.

Harry's lips curled up to cry but he didn't make a sound as Zayn continued.

"You know, when Liam broke up with me, you know what he said to me? He said that what Harry and Louis are going through is ten times more heart-breaking than us. Ha! And we need to _respect _that and not throw in their faces the fact that we didn't have to deal with all that. So basically he broke up with me because you got pregnant and decided to be selfish."

"Don't you dare bring her into this," Louis hissed just above a deadly whisper. But it was Paul who stepped up to Zayn.

“You wanna talk about what’s been done wrong here? Choose another subject,” Paul said after walking in on the commotion. His face was generally at ease like a teddy bear but nothing about it was calm now as he stepped in Zayn’s space. Zayn dry-laughed and backed away from Paul. The man had had a scuffle with Zayn that same morning about his weed smoking in public and Louis wondered if it had a part to play in Zayn leaving. Louis was smoking just as much as Zayn but Paul always had a soft spot for Louis. Zayn he would never let off the hook.

"Okay," Zayn backed down. "How bout we talk about how Niall had to hide his relationship with Jessica because of _Larry_. Because female fans had to believe that at least one member of this circus wasn't gay or taken. Or about the sad truth that I'm anorexic because of you?"

Harry let the tears flow. "Are you really blaming me for that!?"

"No, Harry, I'm done blaming," Zayn said bitterly. "just like I'm done talking. I'm out."

And with that, he turned and left the room. Paul walked out too, Louis guessed maybe to make sure Zayn’s behavior was not about to go public again.

A chair flew across the room as Harry raged in frustration at what he just heard. Zayn blamed him. For everything. Harry flared and started kicking the vases down breaking them one by one.

"HARRY, STOP IT!!" Louis yelled, frightened.

It was Niall who grabbed hold of the man and hugged him until he calmed down.

"Harry, you're high all the time," Louis pleaded. "What is it!? Tell me what to do and I'll do it because I'm so done with this. I can barely scrape up your messes anymore!"

Harry took a seat, eyes red, focussed menacingly on Louis.

"You don't have to. We're over," he said. "We've been over for a while now," he said like Louis was stupid and didn't know they were not a couple anymore. But something in the tone led him to believe he meant _way _before the actual breakup.

"Harry we're in a band -"

"Fuck the band. You dumped me and now you wanna act like my babysitter? Stay away and we'll be fine."

Harry yanked himself up, and his shoes went tucking all the way out the door.

*

**25th May 2012**

**Twenty weeks and six days into pregnancy**

Back on tour schedule again and Harry wasn't any less sick. Tonight was no exception as Harry wanted to hurl every time he opened his mouth to sing. Louis stole worried glances at him every chance he got during Act My Age performance and Liam did his part by distracting attention from them.

As soon as the song ended Harry jumped off the stage in a mad dash for the toilets, the crowds cheering on.

He lurched his lungs out and snatched a few plies of toilet paper off the suspender. “God, Kid, just give me a break for one day. Please.” He gave his abdomen a rub.

Wiping his mouth, he turned back out of the cubicle and jumped backward.

Natasha stood aghast in front of him. She had to have seen him. _Heard _him.

"Please don't tell anyone. I know I can't keep it," Harry said, eyes running, "but I'm not ready. Please don't tell."

The woman stood there, visible signs of contemplation on her face. "I won't. I'll keep your secret. Just promise me you will see a doctor, Harry! This looks like it's taking quite a toll on you! How far along are you!?"

"I don’t know. We found out in Paris."

She smiled knowingly. She had accompanied the boys to Paris and seen the secret hand-holding and sneaking chocolates.

"It's okay, Harry. We should get you home, though."

Just as they open the main door Louis was about to do the same and froze, a concerned look on his face. He looked from Harry to Natasha.

"It's okay. I told her. I had to."

Louis hit the woman a wary look and placed his hand on Harry's back protectively, walking him out without a word.

*

**Jan 1st 2015- New Years’ day**

**Harry pov**

A half an hour into the new year and Harry was wasted crawling out of the night club. There were all these lights everywhere and people laughing in the near distance. But all a disoriented Harry could see or smell was Louis’ tobacco cologne. Everything else was a blur, and he let out a laugh at that because Louis was the one thing he had been drinking to drown away.

_"It's okay, I'll take him. I'm going that way,"_ he heard a sober sounding Louis say to someone beside him, Nick by the sound of the nasal-toned voice, but the conversation wasn't really registering above the damn laughter. And then he felt hands. Warm hands on him that offered so much more than just warmth, lead him to a Range Rover.

As he was being pulled, a rage rose up in him and he was experiencing invisible convulsions. "Louis, no, why are you touching me?" he muttered in a fit, rubbing his eyes in frustration.

"I'm sorry. I won't do that again," Louis quickly apologized, holding up his open palms.

Nick’s mouth flew open, "He's been in a mood all night. You guys used to be so tight. What happened?"

What happened? Great, he didn't get it out of Harry all night so he's asking Louis now.

If Harry wasn't completely high off his chain he would have felt sorry for causing the sad, regretful tone Louis apologized with and the speed with which the apology was carried out. It was as though he knows he did something wrong, like he had great experience in what ticked Harry off. He did, but the point is touching him shouldn't be one of those things. It was never meant to be. Just the opposite. But Harry did not feel sorry. He didn't want Louis anywhere near him right now.

Lucky thing Louis didn't reply to Nick, and was now talking to someone else asking them to help him take Harry back to his car. The person was stifling tiny laughs but Harry knew it sounded familiar.

"Stan, will you stop that please and just help me get him to the car?" Louis sounded like a eighth grade teacher at detention. Wait- Stan? Stan is here. Louis best friend from school was usually busy these days even on holidays but him being with Louis now meant that Louis was having just as hard a time as Harry was.

See, Louis had a childhood friend for every situation- Calvin when he needed to forget his troubles and have a good time, Ollie who kept him sane with scrabble high school war stories during crazy long ass band flights all over the globe that would have otherwise made Louis go crazy with anxiety, Nizam who bonded with him over football, and Stan who was the first friend Louis introduced to Harry and who always hung out with them in the beginning. Stan who had helped them decorate and prepare for that party they held at their place two years ago when they... If any of Louis' friends knew _HarryandLouis_ in the beginning before it all went wrong it was Stan. 'Why isn't it Calvin here then?' one might ask but Harry knew the answer to that- Louis wasn't looking to forget Harry and have fun. Spending New years' with Stan was him keeping Harry closer to him than ever.

As drunk and disoriented as he was right now he was glad at least Louis had support.

So getting strangely fuzzy about that, he ducked in the chauffeured Rover and let Louis shut it, closing his eyes as the two men got in on the other side. Louis sat in the middle and Stan took the other window seat.

The driver pulled out of the carpark and Harry heaved. Nothing came out yet but he knew in the next one it would. "I need to throw up!"

A paper bag flew in front of his face and he shot Louis -who was looking straight ahead- half-lidded eyes before pointedly grabbing it. Stan let out another laugh and Harry understood it this time. Stan wasn't laughing at him. He was freaking fangirling them. Harry caught the 'Awe how cute' face he was giving Louis. But he also caught Louis' stone-face as he glared back at Stan from under a lifted brow. 

Harry didn't have time to dwell or respond with conversation- he vomited just then and stayed doubled over, breathing deep, counting the pretty butterfly-like phosphenes fluttering around in his closed eyes.

"Who's at the apartment with you Harry?" Louis started interrogating him. "Who are you staying with?" -Gosh, he sounded like the fucking Press.

"Pretty. Pink. Butterfly..." Harry replied, head in a mess.

He heard Louis sigh just before he passed out. "Doug, take us home."

*

**New Years’ Day 2015 cont’d**

**Louis pov**

**_~One more taste of your lips just to bring me back to the places we've been and the nights we've had. ~_ **

The car stopped to drop Stan off at his place and Louis bade his friend a happy New Year before they drove off again to his place. His and _Harry's_ place.

"I can't be here," Harry slurred as he seemed to recognize the front entrance he was being dragged into, but Louis was over it.

"Where are you gonna go Harry?” he asked roughly. “Where are you gonna go?” Louis said it with an edge of no-nonsense-or-I’ll-kick-you-out, but deep inside he was glad he was at that New Years’ Eve party. The state Harry was in, Nick looked totally ready to bail on him, and Louis was fully prepared to take care of the man.

Louis, who was in a bad mood all day had gone to the party with Stan, hoping it would be fun with a familiar face but he had grown less enthusiastic when he entered the club and saw all the couples celebrating the last night of the year together throwing out the old baggage and bringing in the New Year withe love and hope for a better future. There couldn't be a worse day for Louis to celebrate alone and if Harry hadn't needed his help he would have walked straight past him since he was the last thing he wanted to see tonight.

Harry sank down in the elevator and started snoring. A recoiled Louis pressed the button to go up to the new apartment he got for himself after the breakup.

Carrying him down the hallway with one hand slung over his shoulder he propped his weight on his hip as he fumbled for his key in the other hip pocket. Swiping it in the mahogany door, he carried him straight to the bedroom and dropped him on the bed, heaving and cursing at the many other times he had done this for the man, some after their breakup.

He panted as he lifted his legs up and took off his shoes.

A flood of curls flowed out on his mattress. Harry's chest moved delicately as he breathed.

You'd think Louis would be used to that by now but the truth is it still blew him away.

His eyes opened momentarily and his hand caught Louis forearm just below the three-quarters sleeve.

"I miss you. I want you touching me. I want you to touch me," Harry said in a hushed voice pulling his hand to him.

_Is that how it started_, Louis wondered nastily, letting the sickening thought of Ben Winston clamber in. "No, you need to rest. Come on, get under the sheets."

"Come with me," Harry naughtily slid his hands under his shirt causing him to gasp and tense up. He pressed one dry, vodka-infused smooch on his lips and Louis was in utter conflict.

"Do you remember the New year's Eve housewarming party we hosted at our first place? We left a house-full of people downstairs and you fucked me from behind non-stop.” Harry pressed his hands on his cheeks, his breathing picking up. "I never felt love like you gave me. I want it back," he said.

Louis tried his best not to scream at him for mentioning that night after he fooled around with Ben twice. A part of Louis knew Harry was taken advantage of but the way he spoke about Ben in the Awards show, Louis knew he didn't just do that to piss him off- he had feelings for the man who apparently had no thought for his wife's feelings. As far as Louis knew the word around was that Meredith was Ben's true wife not a beard, they did not have a marriage of convenience, so basically Ben was stepping out on a real relationship to pursue young artists he worked with. The thing disgusted Louis and he wished Harry saw through him too.

In a series of clumsy tries, Harry's pants were off and he was kneeling on the bed pushing his front on Louis while grasping every part of him he could hold. Louis forced himself to stop thinking about Ben. Tonight was about them. He knew Harry was trying to grasp a piece of the past in vain but so was Louis. He wanted to go back there too and recreate what they had created. He knew it was impossible now but he wanted to at least feel the way they did that night they conceived exactly two years ago tonight.

Louis’ hands swept the side of the man's thighs and he pushed his head in for a kiss. Harry's lips were the same. That sounded like a complete boring statement, like they lacked in something more or better that should be better than what was there when he left. But no, Harry's lips always exceeded Louis expectations of what a kiss should be like, and every time their lips touched Louis was taken to a different paradise from the last.

Harry grabbed his hand and shoved it inside his underpants. The action slapped Louis back to reality, and the pain and the way he has been hanging in there with a broken heart came to the forefront of his mind.

_It must've been a night like this.._. He thought, of the reasons they were broken up. He shouldn't be taking advantage of the drunk man now. What if they took it further and give in to their bliss and then a sober Harry wakes up the next day? He had fucked Harry before, drunk, and sober. He knew Harry wanted him, needed him even, but things were too broken to pretend like they were young wild lovers again.

Fighting with every cell in his body to pull away from his soft thighs, Louis prayed for the strength to ignore his beckoning. He wanted badly to fall apart and fall victim to him and cry himself to sleep inside him, but he had to be the strong one now just as he had been since their tragedy struck.

"You're disgusted by me! I disgust you..." Harry wailed tears rolling down his face.

"Never!" Louis found himself explaining. Why is he always fucking explaining?

"You can't even look at me!"

He was right. Louis dared not look at the man's eyes lest his heart crumble with the sight of him being upset. He wanted to hold him and smooth his long hair and maybe wander his hands to the small of his back and beyond, but Louis knew better than to take advantage of a drunken Harry.

"You're the same beautiful boy I fell in love with," he opted to say instead. "I think sometimes you were too good for me."

Harry's lips curled up. "Are you gonna start singing Sadé now?"

A grin crept up on the sides of Louis' mouth. "We can talk in the morning."

Harry laughed. "Happy New Year, Louis," he said, crashing into the bed.

"Happy New year, Harry."

\--

**2015 New Years’ Day**

After the bright holiday sun Louis woke up, he slugged into the bathroom and saw Harry in his sweaters. A white one with red writing on it. Eyes moving down to his bare, slender legs, the sweater covered his crotch but Louis knew It was all he had on. He stood clutching the front of it nervously, looking at Louis with watery eyes.

While Louis was contemplating whether to run or not, Harry slid himself up on the toiletries cabinet, exposing his privates, which were so moist and red from having just bathed. Louis cock rose immediately and started throbbing for Harry.

"Please?" Harry whispered, and Louis lost all will to reject him.

Shoving his pants down, he rushed over and sank into Harry, sank into comfort. Harry let him sex him there. It was already so wet; Louis could feel him clench over his cock like he was in a bad state of need. Louis could feel his hair tickle his face, his voicy breaths in his ear as he pushed into him...slow...quiet. It was like they were having sex with their sense of loss. It was so goddamn loud at the same time. Louis' thoughts raced, does he want more? Would he go out with me if I asked him? Would he start all over with me if I asked him? Or does he just want me now?

He felt his orgasm pick up and increased the force of his thrusts. He had reached about the fifth thrust when Harry started sobbing out loud, and Louis looked at him. He looked back at Louis with green eyes surrounded by red.

All Louis could feel was pain as he thrust but it was all he needed. He couldn’t bear to feel anything but pain. The pain was all they knew to work with.

"Please don't come yet. Please..." Harry purred in his ear.

Louis took that as a sign and yanked Harry off the counter racing for his bedroom, cock still inside. He splashed him in the bed and pulled his hips up to the edge of the bed, shoving himself deeper inside as he kissed the underside of his thighs.

He thrust as deep and slow as he could without losing control. Harry's pussy was so narrow and juicy he felt himself about to break from wanting to slam harder into him. He closed his eyes and let the sweat run down his face, and then he felt a hand grip his wrist as it gripped into Harry's leg.

"Louis?"

He opened his eyes to see a fired up Harry looking at him.

"Fuck me," he said. Like a command rather than a plea. "Forget what I said and just fuck me how you want."

Harry must have thought that Louis was going to start pounding him hard because he closed his eyes tightly and gasped when Louis suddenly fell on top of him and started winding up inside him. This is what Louis really wanted. This is what he needed. To be so close to him that he felt his heartbeat on his, smelled his perfumed neck, feel the other end of his uterus brush on his tip. Louis was still gone for him.

He raked his fingers underneath Harry's head, intertwining them along with his soft hair. He kissed him like this shoving his tongue playfully at intervals, until he came inside him.

"Fuck," was Harry's croaky response, and Louis felt come on his pelvis and belly button.

"I'm- not ready to go yet," Harry said, pulling the covers over himself. "Can I stay a while? I wanna give you a proper goodbye."

Goodbye? "I can't," Louis said, taken off guard. "I'm gonna hang out with my friends today. You wanna come with?" He wiped his cock with the bedsheet and grabbed a towel.

"No. I'll be here when you get back." Harry left a small cute peck on his ear and got up to go shower.

\--

**New Years’ Day 2015**

**Louis POV**

_ ‘Everything is great, everything is fucking great...’_

“Dude, you left him in your apartment?” Calvin asked, worried. He and Louis were playing video games while Nizam, Ollie and their respective girlfriends were attempting to cook. Stan had plans with his family today so he was a no-show.

“Yeeeah,” Louis sounded out.

“Hey this is your chance to get back together,” Calvin quipped, tapping the controls. “Why are you _trying _to mess it up?”

Louis blew up into the air as he released his cigarette smoke. All he thought about was the amazing sex with Harry that morning, and _why_ the sex was so amazing even when they were broken up. Maybe it was so good because they _were_ broken up. They had no obligation to talk or expect to comfort or be comforted. They just fucked and let go. At least Louis thought so right up until five minutes after when Harry asked to stay. Louis got so scared he didn't know how to say yes without crying and begging him to run away with him to an abandoned island and forget their lives. Louis knew damn well Harry wouldn't say yes, and even if he did it wouldn't solve their problem. Wouldn't bring her back.

“I’m trying to move on,” he said, and proceeded to spend the rest of the day at Calvin’s, evading the topic.

\--

Five pm and Louis decided to call Harry after vodka shots and surprisingly well-made turkey.

"Arry?" Louis asked, dumbly.

"Yes?" Harry replied, a slight strain in his voice that Louis guessed was about him.

"Are you still in my apartment?" Louis was drunk. Very drunk and still thinking about that morning.

"I told you I'd be here when you get back," Harry husked.

Louis licked his lips and abruptly hung up.

He then wobbled in with his friends in their plan to go crazy-caroling through Calvin’s neighborhood with bottles and spoons. This was the only way to get _him_ out of his system. _Cold turkey._

\--

**2015, New Years’ Day**

**Harry POV**

Seven pm, eight pm, nine pm and Louis still wasn't back yet. Ten pm and Harry finally gave up. He rubbed the stupid whip cream off his balls and pulled on some clothes. He should have known- after all Louis _was_ at _Calvin’s_. Harry was angry, but not too much. Who the hell was he to be angry? Louis didn't have any obligation to him. He didn't have to answer to him. It was _his_ house and _his_ life. Why should Harry just waltz in and expect Louis' world to shift and revolve around him.

_You heard him,_ he thought, hopping down the stairs_. He has friends now who he hangs out with' that make him happy when I only made him sad before. Why am I so dumb? Of course he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. All I do is disappoint him and everyone else._

Sitting on the cot by the side window, he had a long teary talk with himself about what was best for him and Louis. Then coming to a final decision he washed his face and sent a text to him.

_‘I'm sorry. I don't know when to give up. I should have taken what happened this morning and left when things were easier for you. Forgive me for being so selfish. Friends?’_

He shoved his phone in his pocket and dragged to the door. He pulled his hand back off the doorknob when he heard keys jingling on the other side.

\--

**Louis POV**

Louis shoved the keys in and shut the door behind him. He gasped as his eyes fell on Harry by the staircase. His hair well brushed, with Louis lip gloss and red sweater on. He had on jeans this time. The same pair of black, ripped up ones he came in. Slung over his shoulder was one of Louis' leather knapsacks, probably carrying his old underwear and shirt along with his wallet etcetera.

"Selfish? -Maybe," Louis said to him, tired. "Friends…? - I don't know." His eyes dragged over his slender frame, want clearly insinuating.

"I figured you wouldn't want me here when you get back," the man blew out calmly. But Louis' insides were already in shambles at the thought of him leaving. Again.

"I'm not staying. While you were gone I made up my mind to leave you alone. But if I do that…if you won't be mine anymore then I want to stay the night. Have some _goodbye sex_." Harry slowly pulled his belt from his waist and dropped it, offering himself up.

"What we have is so much more than sex, Haz. What we have is love. Always love." Louis' eyes glazed his body, taking in all of his curves and skin and clothes. Clothes that fit him so good over his biceps and chest and waist. Clothes he wanted off. _Now._

Harry just stood there taking in Louis in the same way, bottom lip caught between his canines.

Louis just about lost it. "Fuck, Harry, I want you to stay. I want you more than a fucking day and a fucking night!" He grabbed his hands and latched their fingers together, sucking his neck hard on both sides.

He then scooped him up bridal style, throwing his mind off. They didn't know when they ended up on the bed, where Harry unbuttoned his jeans and threw them aside, climbing on top of Louis, kissing him hard and grinding on him.

Louis grabbed his cock, and he hit his hand away. "Don't. If you jerk me, I'll come in both places too soon."

Louis obeyed, lying back.

Harry roughly removed his clothing and sank down on his cock, riding it harder by the second. Louis moaned and grabbed his arse, helping with the friction, his fingers wet from veering close to his crotch.

"God, you're so fucking hot!" he groaned out of control as Harry's hair swished in his face. He loved how long and swishy it was getting now.

The younger man panted and moaned as he rode without ceasing. Louis whined in pleasure, taking some of Harry's cum and sensually rubbing it on the man's nipples, making him moan louder. He bent his head down to long-kiss him.

After a few minutes the thrusts grew slower, weaker, and Harry's noises were more small and pleading. Louis noticed he was shaking - from pleasurably bouncing on his cock, he thought- and he blew into his neck to cool him down but didn't stop thrusting upwards into him.

"I love you. Haz, I love you," he groaned, voice raspy. He could feel Harry squirting around his length, feel his sweat all over his body mingling with his. He wanted it all. He wanted to stay with him like this all night.

And just as he was thinking it, the younger man whispered, "I want to fuck you all night."

Harry dipped down and kissed Louis' left forearm, right on the dagger tattoo. Louis was lost in the man; he was so beautiful with his sweaty hair sticking to his neck and back now, one side tucked behind his ear by Louis, his eyes in a sexual trance, his hole making sloppy noises.

"You are the only person who can love me," Harry whispered softly to him. "The least I can do is love you, one last time."

He rode out for a minute until Louis came, then moved to dismount.

"Stop. Don't," Louis held him in place not wanting to disconnect just yet. He smoothed his hair back and admired his features.

"I'm still leaving,"-Louis frowned at this and Harry sighed - "It has to be this way, Lou."

"What can I do to keep you? Tell me."

"Last night you said I was the same person you fell for. I'm not. I'm not stable enough to be in a relationship with someone."

Louis, knowing he was alluding to the drugs, was disgusted with himself.

"It's my fault. I got you those painkillers for the pregnancy…"

"No. You tried to help me. You tried your best to take care of me. I just couldn't accept your love. You broke up with me to get away from me and now I'm trapping you with sex- _Goodbye_ sex. I'm not going to let myself hurt you again."

"Love," Louis corrected. "Goodbye _love_."

"Either way, it's goodbye." Harry started sniffling, voice broken.

Louis looked into his eyes, the defeat and acceptation that this was the last of their relationship draining to the last drop of dregs between the sheets seeping in. But still his heart beat solid in a sad sarcasm that Harry had had been it for him and always would be no matter how far apart they were.

Louis listened to his sniffling and said, "Does love ever really say goodbye?"

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are welcome. I've been working on this fic extensively for months and I hope you are enjoying it.  
Please follow @Joydific_18 on Twitter for new fics and updates.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys. Please comment and let me know that you guys are still here.
> 
> This is the chapter that tells us what happened to Harry in 2012. The next chapter (5) will cover the secret Louis has been keeping all this time, and the sixth and final chapter will focus on what happens after Harry learns the secret.  
Please leave kudos, comments etc.

**June 16th, 2018- Harry’s tour **

Harry was about to sing the third song on his setlist in Toronto Canada and he was excited to be on stage performing to the full house of fans.

_‘Tell me something, tell me something_  
_You don't know nothing, just pretend you do_  
_I need something, tell me something new_  
_Choose your words 'cause there's no antidote_  
_For this curse_  
_Oh, what's it waiting for?_  
_Must this hurt you just before you go?_

_Oh, tell me something I don't already know  
Oh, tell me something I don't already know...’_

He strummed the opening notes to Ever Since New York, a song he wrote about his brief pregnancy in comparison to Babygate (the lie that was told about Louis having a one-night stand with a blonde and impregnating her) and how the latter left him psychologically wounded.

As he sang he reflected on his body changes during his own pregnancy and what happened to his mental state during and after it ended. The therapy he had to take to get over it was still barely working three years later when Babygate happened and made it worse…_' I've been praying ever since New York.'_

2015 was the year it all came full circle. The lies, the pain. The hardest work Harry ever had to do was in that year. The hats he had to wear metaphorically and literally. It had left him empty. Numb…_ 'Brooklyn saw me empty at the news.’_

He had been all cried out by the time he had been hit with the fact that project Babygate was underway…’_ there's no water inside this swimming pool.' _

About the time when he had another hurtful bombshell drop on him just when he was beginning to make peace with his loss.

\--

**June 16th, 2018- Louis’ home in Doncaster.**

  
_‘It comes, it goes_  
_We’re driving down a one-way road_  
_To something better_  
_To something better_  
_What hurts you_  
_Is gonna pass you_  
_You’ll learn from it_  
_When it comes back_  
_You’ll do it better_  
_Do it better...’_

Louis could not hear the song from where he sat but the reaction he was getting from the person as they listened via headphones was one of captivation.

Louis had written this one to address the hurtful effects Babygate had on Harry in particular-_ ‘I know you left a part of you in a box under your bed but you’re doing better, doing better...’_

  
_‘Don’t you let it kill you_  
_Even when it hurts like hell_  
_Oh, whatever tears you apart_  
_Don’t let it break your heart_  
_Time takes time to heal_  
_You can do it by yourself_  
_Oh whatever tears you apart_  
_Don’t let it break your heart...’_

“It’s beautiful song, Louis. It reminds me of what you did with Home.” Liam sat on Louis’ armchair, fingers to his lips as he listened to the songs on Louis’ MacBook.

He took off the headphones. "All these songs are amazing. It makes me miss songwriting with you even more. You’re so vibrant and talented you just know exactly the right lyrics to push a tear-jerker.”

“I know it seems I only know to write about heartbreak these days,” Louis bounced his knees and crossed his legs, ankle on knee. “My single ass is so pathetic right now. How about you? You have a muse lately?”

Liam brought on the biggest smile. "I'm seeing Zayn again- Don't judge."

Louis uncrossed his legs. "I'm not judging,” he said in a false haphazard voice once he got over the shock. “How did that happen; might I ask?”

"Well, we’ve sort of drifted back to each other- we have friends that run in the same circles so we met back up at an underground party. We’ve been taking it slow ever since. And well, Gigi just ended her contract so it's gotten a bit easier emotionally but to be quite frank I rather the cover. I don’t want my business out there; you know? It’s easier when no one knows you're even speaking to the person. You're not expected to be in the same place, so no one's on the lookout for the 'heart eyes' if you know what I mean."

Louis set off the silence. He knew exactly what Liam was referring to- Larry Stylinson and Ziam Mayne.

"I know you're thinking it. How it would have been the ideal thing for you and Harry had you stayed together."

"What? No!"

"Are you still in love with him?"

"You know the answer to that, Liam."

"Then it's not too late. Go after him. Talk to him."

"He doesn't want me, Liam. He made that clear when he chose Ben."

"You're crazy if you think anything to do with Ben was a choice."

"I know it wasn't but he still left his wife for him. And Harry left me." Louis dropped his head in a somber fashion.

"We both know that's not exactly how it went down," Liam finished, voice assertive yet calm. "He's not with Ben anymore, and he feels horrible about hurting you."

"I don't want to dredge all that back, okay. I just rather remember the good times."

"You're right. How are you doing?" -Louis looked at him- "I mean with Olivia and all that?"

Louis smiled. He hadn't heard that name on someone else's lips in a while.

"I just told you how I felt. Olivia is part of our good times. I refuse to let the pain consume everything."

"Like Harry did?"

Louis shut his eyes. He knew how to shove his pain in the background but Harry never found it so easy. And Louis couldn’t blame him. The kind of pain Harry went through was unimaginable.

"They are one and the same to me. Harry was her mother. I can't say I love my daughter and not love Harry. If he came to me after therapy and stuff and said the right things, I'd probably take him back.” It was impossible to sever his feelings for Harry since the day he told him he was pregnant. Louis was still baffled how a thousand emotions had gone through him that day yet he could only pinpoint a few- fright, elation, Love. _Searing_ love.

But it’s been almost a year since he found out the truth and he hasn’t reached out." The truth was he did not know whether Harry had forgiven him for keeping such an important secret for so long and even though Louis scanned Harry’s solo album for signs of anger or forgiveness -he did find some in songs like Ever Since New York and Sweet Creature- but nothing that stood out as specific to that particular lie Louis along with his friends and family told, more like on the subject of everything else that happened in their relationship per say. Louis figured Harry was just too angry to even write about it.

"Call him up and ask him how he's doing."

Louis sighed at that. "Maybe one day."

“I have an idea. How about I give him this.” Liam held up the flash drive with all Louis’ unreleased songs on it.

Louis drooped further down. It wasn’t that he cared what Syco would do if they found out Louis had let unauthorized personnel listen to album- the level of trust he had for his ex-bandmates, even Zayn, was off the wall. He knew Liam would and Harry would not let it fall into the wrong hands. It was that the drive was full of songs about Harry and their life and their relationship and he was not sure if he was ready for the man to hear it.

“I think it’s time,” Liam said just as Louis was thinking, as though somehow the thoughts had spoken out loud and Liam had answered.

“I don’t know. There are still some things I have to tweak,” he said apprehensively.

“Did you not just hear me say the album is perfect?”

Louis contemplated while cracking his knuckles. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get a tiny floating lantern up there for Harry to see he was every bit as much the subject of Louis’ solo career as he was to Harry’s even after so long broken up.

“Okay, maybe let him listen to it and take it back right after!”

*

**January 2015**

Four of the boys of One Direction were backstage preparing for a concert backstage on the final leg of their tour today. Louis found himself in a daze watching Harry who was sitting in a corner on the floor writing in his notebook. His hair was growing out fast and he started tying it up in a cute messy bun now. From the deep concentrated furrow in his brows, Louis could tell he was writing a song again. It was rather noisy in the arena with Ben’s camera crew and the screaming fans outside but Louis always found it astonishing the way Harry could block out all the sights and sounds around him while engrossed with writing.

He and Harry were not a couple anymore- they had sat down after New Years' both sober and talked things through and agreed they were both sharing grief over the memory of the night they conceived their baby and that was all it was. They admitted they still loved each other and Harry promised it had nothing to with Ben - Niall was the one to tell Louis that he was overreacting at the 40Principales awards and that nothing happened between Ben and Harry after the Modest party- but he needed time to himself to get better. And Louis agreed he needed space too. Parting ways was better for them to both properly heal and move on. So they were now officially just friends.

Louis stared on from his spot on the big black couch between Liam, who was leisurely reading a magazine and four-year-old Lux who was aimlessly turning her Rubiks cube though with the same concentrated look as Harry. Niall was getting his makeup done by Lottie who had joined them on tour to work with Lou.

Something about the scene was typical but strange at the same time. It was regular for Zayn to be a no show at times but they always knew he was part of the band and therefore _there_ even when he wasn’t, but now it seemed surreal that he would soon officially be gone. But that wasn't the only thing. After their scuffle last year Paul had been fired by Simon from being their tour manager and head of security who ultimately blamed him for Zayn leaving rather than Harry who Zayn did actually blame. Louis knew Paul was just doing his job stopping a high-at-the-time Zayn from making himself a public spectacle and paparazzi special but no use telling Simon that. He saw all the boys as golden eggs and anyone who put their hands on them was a threat to his dollar. Of course, the ‘official story’ was that Paul left amicably to pursue his own goals but everyone who was there knew the real story. Louis was finding it hard to adjust to this new _Pauless _environment. He had been like an on-the-road father to Louis and he always felt safe when he was around. Now it was all new faces around them. Faces Louis didn’t trust the way he did Paul and his men. So now with him and Zayn out, it felt like they were missing _two limbs_ so to speak.

Louis sighed and buried his face in his hands.

Liam was the only one to notice Louis’ distress.

“This thing with Zayn leaving is hard for all of us but it seems he’s made up his mind.”

"And I made up mine.”

Liam threw a confused look at him.

Louis blew a sharp breath and leaned closer to shield the conversation from the others. “I made a deal with Simon; Get rid of Eleanor and I'll take the weight of this whole thing with Zayn when he leaves. it's supposed to look like he and I fell out is why he left."

Liam was ballistic. "Are you sure that's wise? Making deals with that man and having the fandom blame you?"

"I'd do anything for Harry, Liam. You ought to know by now. Besides, Zayn and I are on the outs the way he treated Harry."

"Yeah, but Zayn had a point. Harry's been reckless since..." Liam whispered harshly, cutting himself off before saying it. Louis excused it. Besides, how many times did he have to say _"Harry is in pain,"_ before Liam, Zayn, and everyone else gave him a break?

"Zayn is a coward. He heard Harry threatening to leave the band -which he was never really going to do, he was just throwing a tantrum- and he split." Louis was adamant to set the story straight.

"Niall is trying to get him to change his mind about leaving, but no luck," Liam quipped, steering the conversation. "The official announcement is in two months. We have until then to change his mind."

Louis turned up his nose. "The paperwork has already started. Zayn's as good as gone. Harry and I might as well get something out of it."

"Harry and you, eh?" Liam muttered, a noted eyebrow reminding Louis they were not a couple anymore. They still spoke but Louis had never felt more distant from the man as he had immersed himself in his writing every chance they were not on stage. He had been going to therapy regularly and even eased off Nick and that whole crew, so Louis figured it wasn’t so bad he doing something productive.

“Liam, you’re turn,” Lottie called as Niall put his spectacles on and_ vogued_ his new look in the mirror. Harry finally looked up to smile at the blond man before diving back into the book.

Tossing the magazine, Liam got up and let the conversation fade, giving Louis some space.

*

**February 2015**

_‘When you go and I'm alone_  
_You live in my imagination_  
_The summertime and butterflies_  
_All belong to your creation_  
_I love you, it's all I do_  
_I love you...’_

"I love it! It's a beautiful song. Sure to be a fan favorite, but here's the thing- To avoid cutthroat media speculation I think we should avoid any description of who the title name could be. Trust me, you don't need people coming up to you every second asking if it's a new girlfriend or something. Like, keep it a pseudonym of 'I love yuh', short and simple. Don't say 'a pretty little girl' or 'a serene angel' or whatever. You know sometimes Harry likes to be too cryptic for his own good…And no, the trumpets only going to deviate from the band’s main sound and people will be left scratching their heads. Let's just keep it simple is all I'm saying."

Harry rolled his eyes at Simon and gave Louis a secret, annoyed _he's-such-a-quack_ look, before going back into the recording booth with Julien and John, who both worked closely on the song with Harry put their headphones in and communicated with Harry while Simon talked to Louis.

They had just played the song for Simon to hear and Louis didn’t know if it was the botox but Simon’s expression was unmoving as he spoke. Louis could frankly care less what he thought of the song Harry had written to help alleviate his suicidal thoughts and get through his grief- Olivia.

Harry had been working so hard on it getting Julien and John, the songwriter/producers to help complete the final composition and tasking each band member to sing a verse. Louis had been nothing but proud of Harry, and when he first heard the demo he had been speechless and determined to bring his best vocals to the song dedicated to their daughter. Everyone agreed his voice would be perfect in the last part, and although he had some trouble holding back his emotions, Julien left it in, saying they proved to add that special touch to the tribute to which John and Harry agreed.

Pursed lipped, arms folded, Louis then accepted a meaty pat on the back from the man.

"How is he, Louis? Is he okay?" the man asked with a seriously too-genuine tone. It took everything in Louis' power to not visibly clench his teeth. Instead, he nodded up a storm, hoping he'd take that and go, but the dragged-out patting turned into a skin-crawling back rub that was all but comforting.

"I know what it's like to suffer a loss like that," Simon said, eyes wavering on Harry, who was manipulating sound buttons through the glass. "To feel like there's no way out. But to be honest, you guys have it easy. It doesn't get better than this; condos, porches with city views,” – (Louis was glad neither he nor Modest knew of Harry’s suicide attempt)-, “females flying all around. You boys are the luckiest for what you've accomplished. I'll tell you what, I couldn't be more proud of another quartet. Especially you and Harry. You're in my prayers every day."

Louis tried to ignore the sugary attempt at having a soul and the fact that he had already axed Zayn from his vocabulary in the same sentence. Simon spoke to him in a fake concerned tone like he was delivering condolences to a married couple, which was ironic because he never formally acknowledged nor had he allowed anyone else to acknowledge the fact that they had said vows and exchanged rings, and basically pledged their lives to each other. As a matter of fact, it earned Louis and his family extra NDAs to hide such a 'disgrace' to Syco as Simon always made them feel.

Louis and Harry's marriage had not been registered, but since the ceremony, they had felt every bit as married as any documented couple. Until now. Now it felt to Louis like they were going through a mutual separation. Sure they talked during the tour, and Harry played with Ernie and Dorie when they visited Louis in the studio, and they supported each other’s creativity when it came to their work on the album. But Louis missed him in those quiet times when it had just been them. Ben Winston may be to blame for Harry almost going over the edge and ultimately causing their breakup but Louis knew Simon and his buddy Walsh were to blame for him cracking like an eggshell in the first place...

~~

**June 1st, 2012**

**Twenty-one weeks and six days into pregnancy **

The boys were all in Detroit on tour. Harry was feeling a little better since Natasha took him to a doctor who gave him nausea medication. It had been in secret and she was proving to be on his and Louis’ side advising them to come out with their relationship before people found out about the pregnancy. Louis seemed to be listening to her but even though Harry was grateful for her support he was not about to ruin Niall’s, Zayn’s and Liam’s careers by selfishly blurting to the world that he fucked his fellow band member and got pregnant. So he and Louis remained in limbo where the baby was concerned.

Until... Simon and Walsh showed up on tour backstage at Fox Theatre with two business-like women with briefcases.

Harry and Niall were getting a bite to eat during the concert break and Zayn was somewhere outside the building yapping to someone on the phone. Louis and Liam were having a chat on the shiny red couch that had just been out on stage before Louis yelled ‘Pancakes!’ and the staff took it backstage.

Louis watched Natasha, who was with them on tour get summoned by Walsh into an office-like room in the building. He had a folder in his hand that reminded Louis of the one that had contained all the boys’ contracts and None Disclosure Agreements two years ago.

Simon had gone straight over to Harry and steered him away from Niall to talk to him in a corner where two security men blocked them from Louis’ view. He even tried to go over there to find what why Simon left Britain’s Got Talent to fly over to America to tell Harry but Paul stopped him telling him it was best not to interrupt. Louis trusted Paul and hung back but the conversation seemed awfully long and Louis was worried.

To make matters worse Simon then walked Harry into the room where Natasha and Walsh were. It felt like ages before the door was finally opened. Louis and Liam watched as Natasha emerged downtrodden from the room. She shot Louis a despaired glance and kept walking escorted by security. Her face said it all and Louis’ insides began to racket as he realized his worst fears were coming into play. As soon as she disappeared around the corner Louis gripped on to Liam’s shoulders. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

Liam, confused at the scene, leaned in to listen.

“Harry’s pregnant.” Niall was out of earshot and Louis had whispered it so quietly for only Liam to hear.

Liam’s face changed into an unknown expression. He knew Harry had two different sex organs but the word was that pregnancy was impossible for people born that way.

“What the hell are you on?” Liam accused, feeling Louis’ forehead for a fever.

Louis dug into his shoulder harder to drive the seriousness in, eyes struggling to stay dry and strong for Harry. God knows he had to with the situation they were about to be in.

Louis then told Liam the whole story and his face changed according to every shocking piece of information and fear that popped up in his head as Louis spoke.

Liam was still struggling to reply when Harry emerged from the room. Harry’s face was white and he looked about to faint as he joined Louis and Liam.

“I just told Liam,” Louis blurted out immediately knowing Liam wasn’t going to leave them alone to talk now.

Harry didn’t look angry. “Great, because I sort of told Niall.” He looked pointedly behind Louis who turned around to see a worried Niall with his arms folded waiting to hear what just happened with Simon.

"She got fired," Harry went straight into it, looking down, coldness in his tone directed at the voices in the other room.

Liam swore. Louis took in a breath.

"She had to tell them,” Harry said. “Apparently Walsh found out she took me to a gynaecologist and asked her about it and she told him begging him not to fire her. They just made her sign a bunch of NDAs in there and then fired her as soon as she scribbled the last signature.” 

Louis shook his head in shock. Natasha had told them after she found out that she was not going to squeal on them because she was scared of losing her job and getting sued for breaking the None Disclosure agreement. But now they fired her anyway and slapped her with even more NDAs?

“There was nothing I could do. I just let them do that to her." Harry was in tears now. Both Louis and Niall reached over to comfort him and he shrugged away.

"Simon wants to talk to you, Lou, quick before we get back on stage. I’ll wait here until you’re done.” Harry rubbed his belly and let out a long sigh, his face pale with nausea. “I’m sure as soon as it’s over they’ll start slapping us with more papers," he looked pointedly to the door and crawled away, head down.

Liam finally spoke up. "We're here for you. All of us. Whatever they have to say to the two of you from now on they’ll have to say to us as well.”

Pointed heels clucked closer until a slim woman rested her hand on the door edge and poked her head out. "Come in, Louis."

Louis walked into the room in his red trousers and striped shirt and looked up to see Simon smiling- only because of the Botox - at him. "Do sit down," he said all business-like as Louis made to close the door.

A squelch behind him let him know that Liam had followed him in. Liam dragged out a chair for Louis and another for himself and sat, arms folded, eyebrows frowned.

"Liam, how is your Mum?" Simon bypassed the fact that Liam should not be there.

"She's quite fine, Simon," Liam said, face still dead-serious, and Louis suddenly wanted to shower him with flowers and sweets.

Louis' eyes fell on Simon's left; Walsh sat there with a disappointed stern and _scared _look on his pug face. Louis eased into the seat and lowered his eyes.

"Natasha filled us in on what happened," Simon said in his usual spacy tone.

_Filled us in? You mean you forced it out of her._

"I'll get straight to the point- There are things he could use to flush it out. I have the name of a medical doctor who can safely do this without infection," Simon droned on. But Louis lost him at flush. _Flush? As in waste or toxins?_

Louis did not reply to anything being thrown around in the discussion of him and Harry's 'problem', he just sat there thinking about Harry and what he could do to, what he could take back to the hotel later to make him feel better about all of this. Not _flowers and sweets,_ since they were making him nauseous lately. He definitely wasn't going to talk about _flushing._

"Louis?" Simon sighed at Louis' ignorance. "Louis, I know what you're going through but you must listen to common sense. You're twenty years old and you need to learn how to leave the childishness behind."

_My child, you mean?_

Liam's soldier-stare piercing Simon, he jumped in. "This is a personal matter. It has nothing to do with the band and doesn't get in the way of recording and performing. If you give them time to deal with it personally-"

"Ugh, Liam- I'm sorry but when you have someone walking off the stage during a performance, it's bad. It makes us look bad for allowing it," Simon said, voice casual and almost sympathetic. He turned to Louis. "The bigger picture here is- I'm concerned what if he bloats and it shows up on random interview cameras? Ben and his crew can only control our cameras and airbrush, you know. How do we explain that? All the other boys are healthy and trim except the crowd favorite- that's not good for the band, that's not good for Harry, that's not good for _anyone._ He has to terminate the problem before the problem terminates him!" Simon stressed in a non-stressful tone.

“I always say there are plenty more eager spring chickens where boybands come from,” Walsh put his two cents in. “It’s never too late to replace anyone.”

“I’m sorry, Walsh but no one asked you for your opinion,” Simon swung his chair in the man’s direction. “Your job is to mind the public’s perception of the band. If they look good, I look good and you look good. I trust you can at least make that happen.”

Louis and Liam exchanged looks.

"All I'm saying, Louis," Simon refocused a soft tone at Louis. "Is that you consider the consequences of letting this continue any longer than you have to. Harry made it clear his decision won't be made without you. I know you can talk some sense into him. He’s only eighteen and doesn’t see the long run.”

Okay, Simon was way off if he thought Harry was being flippant about his and the other boys’ careers. It was all Harry worried about. But Louis was kind of getting Simon’s point. This pregnancy would definitely put a strain on all the boys if left undecided any longer. But Louis didn't know what to say to Harry right now. He was already going through something that Louis was feeling the effects of- _Motherhood._ How was he to tell Harry that the impromptu child he was carrying had to be aborted now for everyone’s sake rather than wait for a sure miscarriage later when his bigger belly would have already been seen by the world? How was he to say the words when he was already rubbing the boy's belly lovingly at night to soothe the cramps and feel the warm presence of another human in there, however small it was?

Since Paris Harry was hoping he miscarried and passed it out like a normal period since his uterus wasn't expected to carry anything bigger than a cocoa puff. But lately, Louis was ice-cold aware and quite scared of doing anything to hurt the growing thing. The option of getting rid of it was non-negotiable to Louis. Simon needed to go to hell.

Taking his embarrassment in stride, Walsh garnered a soft tone. "Louis, there are a few things we'd like to know before we move ahead; Do your parents know about this?"

Louis shook his head woefully. The two previously quiet women started to write in their notepads. Liam placed his hand on his shoulder supportively.

"Good, Walsh said. "It's best if we keep it that way. The fewer people who know, the better."

Louis frowned, looking at the two Modest scribes busy writing things down. God knows which one of them could squeal, yet Louis' own Mum was a liability to Simon. He couldn't even blame the man because Harry also didn't want their parents to know. And Louis wasn't going to start opposing Harry. So he nodded woefully again.

"Good. I'll have Gloria reschedule Harry's itinerary to include the doctor's appointment." Walsh looked over to one of the scribes- middle-aged blonde.

Simon nodded and added in, "And maybe throw a therapist in there as well to help him cope with the after-effects," -okay, the man wasn't the devil- "And I'll have you sign a couple of papers when you're back in London.”- Oh, there it is. The damn NDA’s again.

Walsh gave a quick distracted, bat-away nod. "And, oh- before I forget- This is Gina, your new handler. She will be taking over from Natasha.” He gestured to the other scribe- brunette in her late twenties with spectacles. She was didn't look as experienced as an African/British Natasha who Louis was already beginning to miss, but she had soft eyes that looked more human than the ones introducing her right now, so Louis shrugged hello.

He felt Liam’s eyes claw over her for a greeting, but he didn't blame him. They were all the same at the end of the day- Walsh’s minions.

"Okay, I have work to get back to." Simon got up and patted Louis on the shoulder. "Hang in there, and I'll check in with you soon." And with that, he waltzed out the meeting.

*

**February 2015- same scene cont’d**

“I must say Harry needs you right now because I can see he’s in a state where he’s not thinking clearly. I mean, trumpets? It’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. He forgets he’s in a pop group. I keep informing Julien not to indulge in Harry’s childishness but he keeps insisting on these damn instruments.”

Louis clenched down on his jaw stop himself from spitting a curse word at his boss. Remembering one of the many conversations his mother had with him about not letting Simon get to him, he decided to strenuously calm himself and say his peace.

“With all due respect, Simon, if you know what’s in at the moment you will let Harry add the orchestra and all the trumpets and trombones and French horns he wants because this isn’t just any song. And you of all people know that any goddamn song we sing is going to sell to our overwhelming fanbase. Just this once can you please let him have this one song the way he wants it.”

Simon's eyes flashed from mocked to deep thought. "Alright," he said with a head swerve. He called out to Julien. "Get the trumpets in and call me back to hear what it sounds like."

Julien then relayed the information to Harry in the cubicle who nearly touched the ceiling.

After hours of work to get the perfect sound, Simon came back in and heard it again. Coming out of the studio cubicle, Harry crossed his fingers behind his back where Louis alone could see.

“Hmm,” Simon hummed as he listened. “I like it. Keep it.” Harry and Julien high-fived and let out noises of triumph. Louis bumped knuckles with Julien and smiled warmly at Harry.

Simon, pushing himself in the celebration, then squeezed Louis' shoulders. "I think you were right about the song. It adds that special touch. You were always good at sticking up for the boys, Louis. The band is lucky to have you." He gave Louis a cringe pat and left the studio.

Redness dashing across Harry's face, he bit his lip and told Louis, "Thanks for what you did there. It was brave." His eyes flashed across Louis' face and landed on his lips. Louis felt the air move from his lungs to his belly.

He was sure in another life, another time, Harry would kiss him. It was not possible now that they were just friends. But he could still read Harry’s mind and he knew Harry could read his, and both were saying they wanted to very badly.

Louis took a step back and swallowed hard. "I couldn't let him throw away your ideas like that. You're a genius, Harry. You don't deserve to be swept aside. Especially when this song means so much to you." _-To us_.

Louis would never forget the overflowing joy they shared for a few months in the year 2012...

**~~**

**June 9th, 2012**

**Twenty-three weeks into pregnancy**

“They said they have to fly Eleanor back in.”

“But she just left!” Harry protested. Eleanor had been a sore thumb on tour with the boys in the US for posing purposes and had left for college a few days ago. 

"I know but she agreed to come back in two weeks and take on more hours as my girlfriend. Apparently, she needs the money for college."

“I still can’t believe people think she’s with you after everyone saw you and me together at Leeds.”

“Yeah, well it’s just until Simon figures out what to do about the pregnancy.”

“He can’t do anything,” Harry shouted in anger. “I’m too far along to do anything.”

Louis agreed. “I know. But Harry, Natasha’s already dealing with the repercussions of taking you to a doctor behind Walsh’s back and now he knows along with Simon. Don’t you think it’s time we think about what we wanna do? It is our problem. We’re the ones who did this. And quite frankly I don’t want Walsh or Simon to have any say in what we do about it.”

Harry’s eyes moved all over Louis. “What are you suggesting? I can’t just- if you’re saying we should...”

Louis swallowed. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Harry but he was scared to death of the way Harry talked about his pregnancy like it wasn’t going to last very long. And now Louis was saying they should talk about it and Harry looks terrified that Louis might be suggesting they keep it.

Harry then gave way to a sniffle and started sobbing uncontrollably. "If abortion is really what you want then I can't argue with you. If it's the only way to stop all this fake girlfriend drama, then..." Harry clutched his mouth unable to continue.

Louis was speechless. Harry thought he was suggesting abortion? “Harry, I-”

Harry shook his head vigorously to shut Louis up. “I can’t do this. I can’t just walk into a clinic and kill our baby. There has to be another way. I need more time. God damn Natasha for selling us out!” Harry was on the floor now in a righteous mess. “Zayn and I did this interview with ‘Mojo in The Morning’ after the concert and they asked us why Simon was there. I guess they saw him leaving the Fox theater. Zayn and I just mumbled through the interview, but that was a week ago but I still haven’t told him. I feel so guilty about keeping it from him, but too many people already know.”

Louis figured it was all the stress and hormones mixing about but he was shocked that Harry said 'our baby'. He quickly dropped by his side and rubbed his back. Louis didn't know it until now but it was exactly what he had been needing to hear from Harry all along. "Harry, I would never push you to do anything you're not ready for. An abortion is the last thing I want to do about this. I think our best option is to forget about Simon and just tell our parents. Maybe they can help us figure this out,” he sighed. “It can't just be me and you anymore. We can't sit and wait around any more. This is way too real now."

Louis sat down and grabbed him into a hug and he was almost immediately greeted a big kick on the side of his elbow from Harry’s belly.

He jumped and looked at Harry, who was now rubbing it and crying harder.

“Can’t get any more real than that.”

Filled with a new drive to protect what was his, he spread his palm over Harry’s belly and pulled him closer with his other arm.

"I think we should tell people who care about us. How about we tell our parents and then tell Zayn right after?"

Harry dug his face into Louis’ neck. “Okay. I’ll do that under one condition.”

“Condition?”

“I got us a tattoo kit here!” Harry sounded so excited grabbing Louis for support to get up and waddling to the hotel coffee table. "I was thinking to get a heart, you know, you get half and I get the other? But you can choose what we should get if you want. You're a romantic one."

On seeing the kit with needles and alcohol and _ink_, Louis started to sweat immediately. “Ha-Harry. I think you may be needing a more rest.”

He waved away the kit as Harry came in further to show him but Harry looked at him like it was a bound to happen thing. “Of course we have to do this before Eleanor comes back! She has to know who you belong to!”

*

**Feb 2015**

Simon whisked his way out of his office flanked by Gina and an unknown man and called out to Louis and Harry who were both in the waiting area a few meters away chatting as they waited for the same meeting scheduled on both their itineraries.

“We just hired a new daily manager,” Simon informed, smiling like a stuffed pig. “Gina was just promoted by Walsh, so she will no longer fill be able to fill that role. Don’t worry, she recommended we hire him, so you’ll get along just fine.”

Harry took a sip of the canned soda he and Louis were sharing. Even though they were no longer a couple it was not uncommon for them to share food and drink. All the boys in the band shared in this way.

“I have a booked massage I have to get to. Gina will introduce you to your new babysitter,” Simon teased before strutting off to his day.

The normal semi bald plated man 'could not be picked out from a crowd' type stretched out his hand and Louis shook it. Harry glared instead as Gina led the way to the dressing rooms. The boys had a photoshoot in twenty minutes and the other two were busy getting prepared.

“Nice to meet you, Um?” Louis said in a hurry to move the conversation along. He wanted to get the shoot over with so he could go home and relax with Harry.

With a look from Gina, the man cleared his throat as he snuggled his stack of papers, his eyes steady. “I am John. I work for a secret agency geared towards helping LGBT members. I’m here to tell you, you are not alone.”

Louis who had been focussed on Liam and Niall to see if the makeup artist was ready for him and Harry yet did a double-take and almost choked on his soda.

Gina cut in, "Clandestine Operation for the United People of Lgbt Hollywood COUPLH or 'couple.' As our name suggests we are a clandestine secret organization that helps LGBT celebrities secretly come out to their fanbase; the ones who are not easily fooled by the status quo.”

John re-entered, “No-one calls us. We just stroll through giving aid. Neither Simon nor Modest knows we exist.”

Louis was proper confused.

Harry's head tilted ninety degrees to the side as he folded his arms and squinted his eyes. "What makes you think we're part of the LGBT community?"

The woman smiled wryly. “_‘Not that important.’_"

Louis sucked his cheeks in to conceal the grin forming on his face as Harry blushed.

"We've been around longer than you think. We have employed agents in many aspects of showbiz. The fashion industry, Music- which has so many departments like publicists, makeup and hair...," her eyes flickered to Niall getting his hair done. Lou looked up from her blow-drying and winked at the boys.

Harry jumped and looked at Louis with large eyes.

"We've known Lou for years! Are you telling me she's been a part of this all this time?"

"Yep. She's one of the good ones. Very effective in her field. Young men's hair tells a story you would never believe it could," she smiled at Lou who was now running product through Niall's hair as the boy read his book while on headphones. "Lou has been doing your hair and helping you choose out clothing to her expertise judgment-free, and without our official interference. Until now, that is. I think it's time we try a more intensive program for the two of you now that you and Harry have caused a storm in the media and the world by extension."

Joe, one of the band's new bodyguards since Paul and his security firm left, beamed slyly at them from his post by the exit. Louis smiled. There was an active LGBT secret service going on in the industry? Now things didn't seem so daunting anymore.

*

**March 2015**

** Louis pov**

As they rolled into March, Gina had been working hard as a COUPLH spy in Modest management, Walsh unknowingly giving her access to years of files on every gay superstar that had passed through the management team’s task list, telling her to look through them for a way to cushion the band if Zayn decides to come out or worse; rat out the other three gay band members. Every file she came across that had to deal with a member leaving or being fired had the attachment of the remaining gay members upping their beard routines and suddenly getting married. She told Louis that if it was the last thing she did this would happen to him, so she grabbed hold of Eleanor’s files and looked through them to find some kind of a loophole to get her off the roster before it came to that.

Louis, on the other hand, was getting closer to Harry again. They had been working extra hours on the new album to make up for Zayn being gone and trying to get through tour, and oftentimes ended up sleeping in the same bunk on the bus again after discussing _Shakespeare_ all hours of the night when the other boys were asleep.

One night when Harry had crawled into Louis’ bunk and pulled the dark curtain, and Louis awoke with the rush of his perfume, Harry took a few fingers to gently swipe his fringe and recited ever so softly _“O sweet creature,”_ and then pressed the deepest most passionate kiss on Louis that he had ever gotten from him. The thing reminded him of their wedding day and every kiss before they lost their baby. And that was the point of them getting back together.

They were inseparable after that and things seemed to be looking up. Until Gina called Louis into a private meeting in her car to show him Eleanor's top-secret Modest files, particularly a page from around the time Harry lost the baby.

Louis’s face went red when he read it. “I can’t believe this. She lied to me. I thought she was my friend. I stood up for her and...”

“Gina took the page back and gestured it before putting back in the folder. “Technically this never got to happen. But it was the plan. Don’t worry, Louis. This is her last week. I can get her contract terminated and you and Harry won’t have to deal with her again.”

Louis was staring blankly at the files, still shocked and angry at what he just saw, when Harry walked out of the studio and saw him in Gina’s car. The man immediately folded his arms defensively and walked over to them.

"Okay, I don't want Harry to know any of this, is that clear?" he quickly said as Harry drew closer.

Gina nodded acutely. “Of course.”

“Good. Now here’s what we’re gonna tell him...”

“Harry, I have amazing news for you,” Louis grinned, climbing out of the woman’s car a few moments after. He saw Harry trying his hardest to not look threatened by whatever was just going on in there but a tiny glare still escaped in Gina’s direction. “Eleanor is leaving. Sebastian proposed to her and she asked Gina to help get her contract shortened so she could be free.”

Gina painted on a smile when he said it.

“What? That’s amazing!” Harry's eyes glimmered with nothing short of glee.

“I’m taking you out tonight to celebrate.” Louis pressed a kiss to his forehead.

\--

Gina booked them under fake names to a popular restaurant with a privacy policy and the boys dressed up in suits and took a limo there.

At their table amid violin music and perfectly balancing waiters, Harry was pouring Louis’ wine with a big smile on his face when a bunch of folders came crashing down on the empty spot of the table.

“What are you doing here?” Harry tilted his head in defense when a nervous-looking Gina dragged a chair and sat.

“I got Walsh to let Eleanor go today. I told him her relationship with Sebastian was a liability to our operation.”

“That’s great news,” Harry glanced at Louis then back at Gina, “but you could have texted or waited for tomorrow.”

“No,” Gina’s face went grave, “We got rid of Eleanor but there is a catch. Zayn is gonna be talking to the press about what it was like in the band. Modest needs to snuff his buzz, deflect.” She then turned to Louis. “Walsh wants me to start interviewing other girls.”

“But I thought you said you were making it so we could come out soon.”

“I’m so sorry but not only is he setting up a new beard. He’s taking an angle we thought he couldn’t use.” She looked at Louis pointedly but Harry didn’t see as he was looking shocked at the wine glass. Louis’ eyes widened at her. He shook his head but she nodded at him and stopped just as Harry raised his head back up.

“They want you to pose with more than one girl at a time.”

Harry threw his napkin on the table. “I think I just lost my appetite.”

“That’s how they plan on making deflecting from Zayn? By making me look like a playboy?”

“It’s to make you look like you’re moving on from your ‘breakup’ with Eleanor,” she used finger quotes, “and clear the runway for project Babydaddy.”

“Babydaddy?” Harry’s face screwed up.

Louis gave Gina a threatening look, but she sent him back a warning one and proceeded to open a folder filled with girls’ faces.

“It’s a contingency plan to steer the focus to you knocking up some girl instead of Zayn’s solo career. The plan is to get another girl and a baby whose parents are willing to offer it for money. Walsh said it was perfect for you since you're now without a girlfriend. Syco needs to keep focus within the band.”

Louis was so done. “I just don’t see how them doing that is going to be positive for the band.”

Harry was everything but tearful. “Why is this happening? How can they get away with a lie like that?”

“Believe me, they can,” Gina sighed.

Harry massaged his forehead and looked to Louis. “You and I have been doing everything by the book. We barely talk to each other on camera. What more do they want from us?”

Gina touched his shoulder. "This could be a blessing in disguise. Walsh was talking about loosening the leash on Larry a little. Nothing dynamic but he wants me to construct some interactions between you two to make the band look whole again. Make it sort of like you guys are doing better as friends without Zayn. Like he was the reason you guys stopped talking before.”

Harry dragged his nails through his hair. "Construct? So now I have to pretend to want to be around someone I want to be around? This is insane."

Louis was cold as stone. “I’m sorry, you lost me at _blessing?”_

“Guys, we get to stage interactions between you again. We can send subtle messages letting the fandom know you two are still holding on to your relationship. They barely had interactions between you two since...” Gina let the sentence fade out, looking at Harry’s abdomen.

Harry's eyes welled up. "But he's going to be labeled as the father of some groupie's baby.”

Louis slipped his arm around his midsection and rested his chin on his shoulder, hoping to calm him down.

Gina reassured, "Look, we are not even sure if it's going to be done. It's just one of the _many _ideas they have up their sleeve to cover up Zayn’s backlash.”

Harry gave a cynical laugh and Louis squeezed his shoulders, head low.

"But you were there," Harry said suddenly, voice wavering in and out. "I remember when it happened you were there." The look he was giving Gina was penetrative and scorching.

Louis rested his hand on Harry’s on the table, eyes also on Gina. Harry was right. She was there when it happened. Louis wasn’t. But he remembered the exact day she was hired a week before it happened.

“I understand that this is difficult,” Gina sighed, gesturing her index on the linen tablecloth. “I’m trying to get Walsh to throw the idea out but I don’t want him to suspect me either.”

“Can you leave, please,” Harry ordered, his voice hollow and _broken_, his eyes stabbing into Gina, the pain clear as day.

The woman respectfully packed up her folders, shot Louis a look and then left.

“They want to make a mockery of us and what we lost?” Harry hung his head low as she pushed the restaurant door. “How heartless can someone be to make you lie about fathering a child? Especially after what happened to us?”

Trying to keep a barely steady hand on Harry’s back as he cried into his palms, Louis gulped down the pain of that day climbing up his throat.

*

**June 18th, 2012- **

**24 weeks and 2 days into pregnancy**

**Harry pov**

_~The story of my life, I'll take her home, I'll drive all night to keep her warm and time, is frozen…~_

The band members were in Los Angeles today on their week off tour but they were all on split up schedules- Harry and Niall at SonyMusic building, Louis at the mall in Santa Monica getting _papped_ with this Eleanor girl, and Zayn out with his family and Liam MIA. 

Harry and Louis had flown in both their mothers and Harry's sister Gemma, to break the news to them and they were planning to do that tonight over dinner. Niall had insisted on helping Harry any way he can and so today he was Harry’s support system for his meeting with Walsh in the studio and to help cook dinner later. Harry was grateful since Louis was out with Eleanor all day and his nerves were rattling off at the thought of what his mother might say when she finds out he had been pregnant for nearly five months and didn’t say a word.

Modest had called Harry in to not only drawl on and on about the him not telling them about the pregnancy sooner but to discuss his freshly done tattoo, the phrase _Don’t Stop till We Surrender_, and make sure they were in line with the clean-cut image of the band and to warn him not to get any more. Harry had been about to yell at Walsh that he can get any tattoo he wanted when one of Walsh's minions. A woman with glasses and brunette hair had interrupted and reminded the man that tattoos were not in the band members' contracts, therefore, they can legally have as many as they wanted plus she argued that hot tattooed singers are every young girl's fantasy. Harry was surprised because not only was the legal part of this information new to him but Walsh let him off the hook.

As Harry and Niall walked to the car that was to take them to his and Louis’ place, Harry noticed the young woman in her thirties awkwardly following them. He had seen her around but dismissed her as just another Modest scribe writing down everything they saw each member of the band do. Walsh, who was headed to his car in the Sony Music carpark, saw Harry’s perplexed look and waved a flippant hand.

"That’s Gina, your new management representative. I trust you will grow as close to her as time goes by." He descended in his car and shut the door. Harry was right, she was a scribe, and _Natasha’s replacement_. What did he mean by _as_ close to her? Like Natasha? Walsh wants Harry to tell this new bimbo all his secrets so she could take them all back to him now? No way. He learned his lesson. Never again.

Gina smiled, eyes flickering on Harry's belly. It was small for its gestational stage, not quite visible even under the lightest clothing, but Harry did not like her _judgy_ eyes on him at all. Completely disgusted that Walsh just had a whole meeting with him about protocols and didn’t introduce the woman then, he nodded a greeting to the woman and folded his arms protectively as he walked on.

In the car, a call came in for Harry and his face lit up. He had been having these intense desires to closer to Louis since they found out about the baby and even a call would help with the pangs sometimes.

Relief pasted his face as he touched the green dot. "Hey, Babe. Is that toad still around? Tell me you don't have to buy her lunch too? That thing wants to eat let Modest pay for it," Harry giggled with the boy on the other end.

Niall let a cackle he'd been holding in a while escape.

_"I'm trying to get the twins some presents…"_

"If you give the girls anything that _ogre_ chooses out I swear you'll be sleeping in the foyer."

Gina's head bopped up in curiosity.

_“Too late. She was just telling me what my colors are before you called,”_ an anxious Louis whispered back into the phone.

"Seriously? Then why didn't she just apply for a stylist job?" Harry rubbed his belly. His head was creeping in a throb just thinking about the girl shopping with Louis when he should be instead. "I think everybody in that firm itself had higher hopes for a living. Instead, they settled for taking charge of and ruining other people's lives. Can't expect the strays they hire to be any better…"

Harry switched ear and relaxed his neck on the rest, his eyes catching Gina next to him.

She looked at him, bulging with astonishment. Harry silently snorted and threw her a menacing look. She must be wondering why I'm blatantly badmouthing everyone associated with the firm that just hired her. She'll learn. They all do.

_"She has to come with me. But just until the Paps get what they want,"_ Louis was saying on the phone.

"And Simon gets what he wants," Harry finished with a sad smile. He noticed Niall look at him just then, a handful of pity in his childlike features.

Harry wished he had the power to close his eyes and make Eleanor disappear but-

He felt a kick...or something.

He breathed a sigh of relief at the reminder. That as it so happened, only he held the power to be carrying Louis Tomlinson's baby, and that was by far a beautiful substitute.

_"I love you," _Louis said just then, all the slow passionate things they did the night before flowing in his tone.

"I love you too," Harry replied with a smooch before hanging up and looking out the turned up window.

He slouched his shoulders and felt a sharp drop in his pelvis followed by a rush of wet heat through his passageway.

He screamed out in pain and doubled over, holding his abdomen.

Looking on in shock, Niall called out to him.

"_Harry?_ What's wrong!?" His blonde head swerved around to the driver. "We need to get to the hospital!"

"NO!!" Harry shouted, one arm outstretched toward him, the other on his belly. The pain was unbearable and he couldn't move or breathe.

Gina reached over and rubbed his back, total shock on her face as she looked down.

Harry followed her gaze- There was blood between the legs of his denim blue jeans. Lots of it.

She quickly went into job-mode and made a few calls, one of which Harry knew was to Walsh. She tried to describe what was happening and told the person on the other side she was going to tell the driver to get to the hospital.

The driver and bodyguard were already alert and waiting for Gina's word, but she went silent for what seemed to Harry like forever, only giving subtle hums indicating she was listening intently to orders given through the phone.

Harry's face went pale white and his eyes widened in anguish. Niall climbed over in the seat next to him and placed his hands on his shoulders, not knowing what else to do.

"Breathe, Harry! Deep breaths!"

"Medical Center! Now! East Wing!" Gina barked at the driver before addressing the bodyguard intently. "We have to get him in without being seen!"

She stretched herself in the back of the range Rover and pulled out a small duffel bag, unzipped it and pulled out a dusty -brown colored cloak which was in there with a fedora hat, a pair of sunglasses and gloves.

"We're almost there. Put this over him!"

Harry's body felt like he was being gutted with a very sharp knife. He tuned out the sounds of Niall and Gina telling him they were almost there and everything will be fine. All he knew at that moment was pain.

"Everything is going to…" Niall was saying.

Everything was not alright. He was only twenty-five weeks along. It was too soon. He had no idea what move to make when the time came to meet his baby but he knew he had a few months left. A few months for Louis to decide to love the child and talk about a future with their new family. They barely spoke about it yet. Natasha had been the only one who kept the subject matter on their tongues since she rarely let a day go by without asking Harry if he was okay or offer to refer him to a gynaecologist who could help them in clandestine. She had only been gone a week and now this mad _cloak dresser_ was in her place.

Gina had already forced the cloak over Harry and was trying to get the hat on but Harry shouted in objection. He felt so hot and so cold at the same time, but most of all he felt his baby ripping away from him.

As they pulled into the East wing emergency, the bodyguard jumped out the front seat and went to Harry's side door but it was already thrown open by Niall and nurses were scurrying with a stretcher. Andy (the bodyguard) gently grabbed Harry up and rushed to the stretcher that was to get him to the emergency room.

He heard Niall shouting, "No! I'm going with him! You can't stop me!"

As he lay out on the stretcher, roughly hitting bumps as he was wheeled in, he felt himself falling, fading into blankness.

*

**April 2015**

**Liam on Louis and writing Home: _'Having seen different things he's gone through and different stuff this year – and I've written a lot of songs with him – he can really get into that sensitive mindset to write songs, which is pretty cool.'_**

‘_Make a little conversation_

_So long I've been waiting_

_To let go of myself and feel alive,’_

Louis and Liam were working on a song called_ Home _today. A reply to Harry's suicide attempt. Louis wanted Harry to know exactly what his being alive means to him, and with Liam's help, he took the time to put it together.

Liam, who was more than happy to work with Louis one on one, wrote a verse of support, the opening verse, speaking of his own experience on first meeting Harry- Liam was shy and reserved and Harry with his bubbly personality helped him to come out of his shell while at X-Factor. Louis had a role to play in that too but the song was about Harry, so.

The point was to show Harry just how important he was to them so he wouldn’t fall into a deeper state of depression and leave the band like he told them he was close to doing:

_“I just don’t think we should be a band anymore without him,” Harry had said standing in front of the three other boys of One Direction in Niall’s hotel room just last week. He had just finished a speech about how tired he was of the whole Zayn mess and didn’t know how long he could juggle all that with his personal issues. Louis had cracked his knuckles silently pondering Harry’s words. He knew the intonations and pauses in his voice all too well. He knew Harry like the back of his hand and was certain the band would disintegrate if Harry were to act on his words._

_“Are you suggesting we break up?” Niall was finding it hard to keep his voice steady._

_“I think it’s inevitable. We’re superstars. We can all survive the same way Zayn is surviving. Maybe it’s best if we all go solo.”_

_Liam had immediately started crying. “That’s not an option. Yes, we’ve had to work harder to make up for the lack of a fifth member and deal with more Modest crap but we’re learning more and coming out better for it. You of all people should be grateful you get the lead now.”_

_Louis said, “Maybe you should take a break and let the rest of us do the heavy lifting. We can make something up to tell the Press.”_

_“If Harry leaves then we can’t be a band anymore,” Niall quipped. “What the hell are we gonna do with three of us.”_

_“God, you sound like Simon,” Louis rounded on him. “If Harry leaves we’re still gonna be a band- end of story!”_

_Liam agreed with Niall. “Don’t kid yourself. If Harry leaves we are over.”_

_“I’m not leaving; Harry had appeased then. “I’m just putting it out there that as a suggestion because I don’t know how much longer I can deal with all of this.”_

That’s where the conversation had ended, but Louis knew Harry wouldn’t have brought it up if he hadn’t been falling into deeper depression since Gina told them about the babydaddy stunt.

“I’m going to do everything in my power to stop this, Liam," Louis said as Liam strummed his guitar to match the lyrics Louis had just added. Louis wrote about what it was like falling in love with Harry, sharing this life-changing journey with him, to remind him that he changed his life in its own right and to tell him that he would be there always.

_So many nights I thought it over_

_Told myself I kind of liked her_

_But there was something missing in her eyes_

_I was stumbling, looking in the dark_

_With an empty heart_

_But you say you feel the same_

_Could we ever be enough?_

_Baby, we could be enough_

_And it's alright_

_Calling out for somebody to hold tonight_

_When you're lost, I'll find the way_

_I'll be your light_

_You'll never feel like you're alone_

Louis felt his pocket vibrate and he pulled out his phone.

“Hey Babe,” he said, pen still to paper.

Harry let out a breath like he had been holding it in since landing in Los Angeles. “How is your writing doing? I’m here in the studio with _Ross Golan_ and I’m so embarrassed, I feel like I’m getting writers’ block so far away from you. Like I’m missing_ half_ of myself.”

“Well, you called just in time,” Louis cooed into the phone. “I happen to be writing you a love song. For when you’re lonely and forget who you are.”

“And who am I exactly?” Harry said in a sexy drone that sounded like he was grinning from ear to ear.

“The love of my life, my husband, my anchor...Do you want me to go on and on?” Louis teased.

“It’s a shame only a few know that.” Harry sounded tense now. Louis hated these instances where he says perfectly normal things and still wipes the smile off Harry's face.

“We don’t need to prove that to anyone. I like that there are certain things only I get to see. Unless you have a problem with me being greedy.”

“For your eyes only, Love.”

“So what have you written so far?”

“Just some stuff I wanted to say to you and Olivia after...the balcony.” The balcony, their secret code name for Harry’s suicide episode. Louis was not surprised it was on Harry’s mind also.

“Read it to me?” Louis asked in the softest most attentive voice.

“I can’t. I’ll cry.”

“Please. I want to know what you wrote her.”

“Okay,” the sound of ruffling paper then: “‘_If I could fly, I’d be coming right back home to you. I think I might give up everything just ask me too.’ _That's it." Harry's voice went to a low whisper like he was afraid of his own words.

Louis knew what he meant._ If I could fly _meaning he can’t jump off a balcony and fly up to heaven and meet her, but if he could he would. He would give up everything, his whole career for her. Louis knew he wished he had said it while she was still with him instead of worrying the entire time about the band and Simon...Harry didn’t have to say it but Louis knew...And he felt the same.

“It’s nice. I love it,” Louis said, voice fading and eyes closing. “And mine?”

“Yours, um... ‘_I’ve got scars even though they can’t always be seen, and pain gets hard. Now you’re here and I don’t feel a thing.’”_ Harry sighed deep. “I wrote that for every time you held me when I fell apart. I know I hurt you and scared you but you’ve always been the only one for me. God, I miss you so much. I feel like I’ve been going out of my mind.”

Louis could hear the sobbing and sniffle and it made his chest hurt. "Hey, listen to me. Put the phone on loudspeaker."

_Harry laughed as Louis moved to a soft chair and laid down on it. _“Okay. You’re lucky I’m alone.”

“No, no. This is about making you _not_ feel alone, remember?”

Harry giggled a_ yes_ and Louis continued. “Now, I want you to put the phone to your heart and I’ll do the same. And I need you to tell me if you can feel my heartbeat with yours. Can you do that?”

Harry sniffled again and the sound of the phone moving to a muffled place.

“I can feel your heartbeat inside mine.” Louis lay there, the phone pressed to his ribs, gazing up at the ceiling and ignoring Liam’s eyes on him. “Can you feel that, Harry?”

“I feel it.” Harry was all sobs now and his voice sounded like he was clutching the phone so tight to him that he was blocking the speaker.

“See, Harry?... You’re home.”

That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard,” Liam looked at Louis with dazed eyes. Louis forget he was even there. The world slipped away whenever he and Harry spoke to each other.

“Hi, Liam,” Harry giggled in the background. “Oh hold on a sec.” Harry took the phone off loudspeaker to talk to someone in the background. “You are not gonna believe this- Ross just wrote down everything I just said to you. He says I have my song, isn’t that crazy?”

Louis laughed. “That sounds great, Love. I’ll let you get to it. Call you later.”

Louis phone went back in his pocket but he lingered a while on the seat thinking about what harry wrote about flying home to Olivia. Harry trying to fly was the last thing Louis wanted to ever happen again. _Home_ was one of the ways he planned to prevent it from ever being attempted again. He knew he needed to do more than write a song. He needed to be there for Harry best he could. As much as Harry wanted to be with their daughter again she wasn’t his home anymore. Louis was. And Harry just needed to be reminded of that. That he belonged in the land of the living with Louis.

So finally jumping off the seat, he grabbed the pen and notebook again with Liam staring on, and wrote _‘I’ll make this feel like home.’_

*

**MAY 2015**

Louis was taking a few deep breaths before the show when he heard Harry’s unmistakable drawl behind the speakers conversing with someone. Curious, Louis moved closer and saw the other participant to be none other than Lou, their hairdresser. They were arguing over where on the stage to place a…teddy bear?

Louis was in utter befuddlement.

Harry let out a large gasp and held his chest. “You scared the bee gees out of me.”

“What are you two doing with a bear?”

Lou gave Harry a ‘this-is-all-on-you’ look and he grimaced at Louis, guilt smeared across his face.

Louis grew in confusion, and Harry's expression changed in a heartbeat to indignation. "I know they got an article made of you and Brianna. And…" he paused. "I love you. Louis, I can't just sit back and do nothing while they get away with making you look like someone you're not.” 

Louis started walking towards Harry and he didn't stop when they brushed torsos. A smile growing, he kept walking Harry backward to the speaker box and leaned in for a kiss. Harry giggled into the kiss and caressed his chest.

“Guys?” Lou erupted in a low hoarse laugh not to be heard by any of the crew out in front or around backstage. “Let’s put this thing out there and disappear quick!”

*

**August 4th 2015**

_‘From one father to another, I want to congratulate you on your upcoming fatherhood, how are you feeling’_

_'Thank you. Obviously, It's a very exciting time. So, uh, I'm buzzin.’_

_‘Harry, you seem very quiet today.’_

_‘No. I’m having a great time.’_

Without a word or even a look Louis’ way Harry got in bed and released a tired sigh. When the article about Briana’s pregnancy had been posted a couple weeks ago, Harry assumed someone from modest leaked it. Walsh had promised to squash it since Harry and Louis did not give their consent to the stunt, but now Harry felt side-stepped, betrayed. He had fought not to break down during the interview while thanking the fans and talking about the charity.

"So they're going through with the Charade?" he said, back turned to Louis, whose back was also turned to him on the bed. "Walsh said he was going to 'squash that article like a bug' his words. I should have known he and Simon commissioned that rubbish in the first place." Harry had been completely blind-sided by the interviewer who knew the official news before he did.

He felt Louis turn around and prop his right elbow into the mattress and reach his left hand out to him. "Please don’t give up on me, Harry. You said you'd be by my side through all this. I can't do it without you." _Tell me something I don’t already know…_

"I'm not going anywhere, Harry said, voice void of feeling. “I'm not giving up. It's just… I thought you said they weren't doing that anymore. It threw me off, that’s all. " It had hurt so much all the time that when the interviewer started congratulating Louis on his expectant baby, even though Harry had been caught unawares and wanted to choke them both, he was so numb to it all. He did not even have room to be angry with Louis for not telling him Babygate was officially in progress.

"It's too much. I know. I should have told you they were doing the baby thing. I just didn't know it was going to be so soon."

Harry lifted himself off the bed and walked towards the bathroom, incredibly calm. "At least we warned the fans about it beforehand." He remembered Lou helping them do a display with the bears as a precaution to warn the 'Larries’ of management’s newest shenanigans just a few days before the Briana pregnancy article had dropped a few weeks ago in July.

Louis shut his eyes woefully. “I know I told you there wouldn't be need for it and I thought so at the time,” -Harry frowned disgustedly, rubbing his night cream- “But don’t worry, Gina said she’ll make sure I don’t have to do more than just be named as the father- I don’t have to pretend to be in love with her. I'm so sorry, Babe. I should have told you the minute I found out.”

He was rattling on trying to say something that would ease the crease in Harry’s forehead and Harry really needed him to shut up so he loosened the crease by force.

"I know now, and I'm still here,” he smooched his lips and turned off the lights. “Go to sleep now." _I’ve heard enough from you…_

Louis waited until Harry was tucked in bed to slide his fingers into his, big-spooning him until they fell asleep.

*

**August 2015**

The boys of One Direction sat in the studio lounge waiting for Simon and the producers to determine which songs were chosen for the last album before the hiatus.

Harry nervously tapped on the marble floors as he sat next to Louis on the plush dark-brown seating. He hoped to God his and Louis' songs got chosen in the final list of tracks for the album. With _Drag Me Down _already dominating the charts since its release at the end of July, Harry was hoping one of the songs the band actually wrote got to be the next single. He knew even though Simon _teethed_ that _Olivia _was okay, he still wasn't particularly pleased with it, but he better had let _Home_ and If _I Could Fly_ to be part of the album.

Simon waltzed in with a stack of photocopies and gave them to Niall to share out.

Harry grabbed a page. "You have to be out of your mind!" he said loudly, angrily. _Home _was not on the list of songs that now made up the Made in The AM album. “Where is _Home_? I was hoping for it to be the next single but to leave it off the album completely?”

"We cannot use it,” Simon said in a final tone. “It has Larry Stylinson written all over it!"

"Then I'm not performing on tour again!" Harry yelled to the veiny-faced man. Home was his song from Louis. The song he now played whenever he was mad and depressed and just plain sad. It made him super mad it couldn't be on the album next to If _I Could Fly_, which Louis consoled that it was a victory at least that one got picked, and Harry loved him all the more for being so supportive._ For Your Eyes Only _was his originally intended name for it but after hearing the studio cut for_ Home_ he had decided to sentimentally merge it forever with his song by making the name the second part of a sentence, _If I Could Fly_, the new name for the song, being the first part so the sentence read _If I Could Fly Home_. But of course, Walsh figured it out and advised Simon on axing _Home_ from the album. Of course, Gina agreed with Harry's idea to connect the songs and vowed to help the boys find a way to release _Home_ to the fans.

"References to home and the LGBT undertones… All _impertinent_ to the theme of this album," Simon blinkered.

Harry's fist clenched in rage, and a small hand came to rest on his shoulder. Home.

*

**October 1st 2015**

By September their relationship was rather _live and let live_ with Harry going to therapy but retaining his anger toward Walsh and Simon. He would walk off on the men and not listen to any advice either man gave him. Of course, Simon would ask Louis to calm him down but Walsh just got fed up and let him be with his well-documented friendships with gay celebs, as long as he hung out occasionally with a certain ‘_aspiring model’_ who happened to be friends with Taylor Swift to prop his modest-made signature womanizer image. And Louis decided on ignoring Simon and not pressuring Harry about any of it.

Harry seemed to rely heavily on Lou’s help with his overall style, using only her ideas about his hair and clothes and knew to be wistful and calm in front of cameras. The only thing Harry didn't seem to be handling well on and off camera was the baby-daddy stunt. Their OTRA tour and the RBB account seemed to be Harry and Louis’ best chance of showing their loyal fans that they were very much still an item, at least according to Gina, so they both focused on that.

Every time Briana was mentioned by Modest or came up in the Tabloids Harry would laugh it off and pretend it was okay, then get all sulky and reserved. The tip of the iceberg came when the boys found out that_ Olivia_ would not be released as a single but merely kept a track on the album. Harry had not been happy about that.

“_Drag Me Down?_ Is that the only single we get before the hiatus!?”

“_Perfect_\- You get _Perfect _as the next single. It’s a Larry song isn’t it?” Walsh turned up his nose at Harry. “The two of you wrote it. We don’t want to create too much buzz about _Olivia_. People will start asking who she is!”

Harry, full of rage on hearing that, marched out on stage on the 29th of September (their wedding anniversary) and started ranting about ‘couples pretending, and_ anniversaries._’ Louis knew he was angry because _Perfect’s_ last line was a direct message to Taylor Swift added in there on COUPLH’s insistence that they message the fans that Harry was only used by Taylor to be the latest muse for her famous breakup songs chain. Harry felt it was a bit much to dig up Taylor’s relevance two years after she took her last paycheck but Louis thought it was a nice use of lyrics to let people know she was a beard to Harry.

Although the group has been helpful, Harry did not trust them as much as Louis did, and had the opinion that they were ‘riding the commercial engine’ frequently asking for donations and funding from the boys in exchange for feeding them back their very own ideas where it came to messaging their loyal _Larry_ community. “Who even runs this thing?” he had voiced on one occasion.

Whereas, Louis still felt a bit ‘protected’ by COUPLH from most of Modest’s heterosexual agenda where before he would have probably been faded to dust by now the way they near stripped him of all his identity and confidence.

Today Louis was now sat hearing Liam out on the ‘Harry OTRA rant that happened the day before.

"I'm starting to like the idea of this hiatus. What Harry did on stage was reckless!" Liam said sitting on Louis' couch. Harry had been a tad drunk but Louis' raw arse wasn't complaining from where it tried to sit now. "He's overreacting. He needs to realize he's the one you love. It's what you've been trying to prove with the bears. Why can't he understand?"

Louis shrugged. "Would do anything if it makes Harry sleep better at night. They think because we sing and dance at the end of their string they can just take advantage of us. I want my life back. I want Harry's life back. That's why we have COUPLH helping us."

Liam rolled his eyes. He was in agreement with Harry on the matter of the organization, making it clear a few times that he thought they were making things worse by highlighting the bears for management to see and get mad at. "What Harry needs is closure. If you told him the truth about Olivia…"

"I'm not gonna do that! Do not suggest that to me ever again!"

"He agreed to get off the painkillers but everyone can see he still needs help. If he won't get from you then he belongs in rehab."

"He's grieving. I won't let anyone stuff him away in a hospital just because he’s grieving."

"Louis, he still talks to Ben. The man swooped in the minute he heard you broke up the first time. You and I both know he was the cause of Harry's suicide attempt. What if it happens again?"

"Ben is a sick fuck who will pay one day for what he did. But Harry wasn't on that railing because of him. He was out there because he already suffered one loss and couldn't bear to lose me too."

"Hence why you should have told him you saw-"

"He wanted to go be with her,” Louis cut off Liam. “The reason he didn't jump was that he loved me too much to go. How can I tell him, Liam? He's never going to forgive me for not sharing it with him. I have no choice but to keep it a secret!"

Liam gave a deep sigh, closing his eyes. He hated the way Harry was acting. He knew it had the potential to damage Louis much more than the stunts he had to endure. He knew he had to tell Louis the truth.

"He let go of the rails..." Liam's words came settling in the air between them, cutting Louis up in a billion slices. Liam had fought not to but he had to. A little pain now for the sake of a happier future. Louis needed to know.

"If I didn't grab him in the exact second that I did, he would have been dead right now," Liam elaborated. "Because he let go of the rails."

"Get out."

"Lou?" Liam said, thinking Louis needed to stop deluding himself into thinking he wanted to stay. "He needs help. Telling him the truth about your daughter is the best thing for him."

"Liam, why are you doing this?" Louis shook his head, his eyes red and watery and his index to the door. His voice was no help in giving a semblance of containment. "I need you to get out, please?"

*

**Oct 12th, 2015**

Louis never stayed mad at Liam for long. None of the boys did with each other. They had way too much fun together. He was always down for Louis' practical jokes and chats on stage, monkeying around on stage, and Louis could tell Liam anything and he’d listen and support him. So as he and Liam sat for an interview apart from the other boys Louis already felt comfortable with his friend of five years.

Louis looked over beyond Liam and saw Harry monkeying around with Niall, and a smile hit his face. Liam saw it just as Louis caught eyes with him, and thinking the smile was for him he smiled back, blushing.

The girl then asked. "Will you marry me, Louis?"

Louis nodded. "I'd follow you. Then see what happens."

Liam frowned.

No sooner than the girl had packed up her things that Liam stormed out.

"What his deal?" Louis asked walking over to Niall just as Harry took off for the vending machine.

"Really, Louis? You don't see it?"

Louis was more confused than ever.

"Liam's gone for you."

Although that shocked Louis out of his socks he was more worried about Harry lately. It seemed his anger about the songs for the Album had been taking a bigger toll on him than anyone thought.

*

**Nov 2015- Late Late show**

After their on-air appearance on the Late Late Show, the boys of One Direction hung back with James and the crew a bit for old times’ sake.

Louis and Niall were bantering with James when Louis heard his husband laugh, and he aimed his eyes in the direction.

Harry laughed on. His high pitched a crackly laugh that always meant he was genuinely happy.

But Louis' blood raged. His eyes needed to be soaked in bleach. His teeth grind as stomping over to Harry to slap the living daylights out of Ben Winston. But lucky thing for Ben, Niall caught him and pushed him back. He followed Louis' eyes and saw what Liam had also taken notice of; Ben's hand on Harry's back.

Pulling Louis out of the room and into the dressing area before anyone else noticed, Liam grabbed his face.

“Calm down, Louis. Not here! Not here!"

Harry, still on the after-effects of whatever joke it was lost all creases as his eyes fell on Louis.

Niall tossed his chin to the slit in the curtain. "Let's give them some privacy."

"You're still talking to Ben!" Louis let loose as the other two disappeared.

Harry recoiled and took a minute to comeback. "Like I don't see you flirting with Liam on tour, in interviews! I see the way you look at him!"

"Where the fuck is this coming from?" Louis asked, knowing Liam and Niall could still hear everything being said from behind the curtains.

"When you look at him there's no disappointment. There's no pity! He's perfect! What's the difference, Louis? Why make me having a friendship with Ben a problem?"

"I didn't sleep with Liam!" Louis retorted. His face was stone and his eyes a mad vigor.

A gasp flew out of Harry, and he started bawling immediately. By the next morning, his voice was hoarse but he did not stop bawling until a week later when the boys were scheduled to interview with Nick Grimshaw and a BBC live lounge performance with the album coming out the very next day.

After the argument, Louis had spent every day buying Harry nice things and apologizing endlessly to no avail so he just gave up and let the man be. If he wanted to activate his asthma and sore his throat before their gig, then fine by him. And that's exactly what Harry ended up doing.

__

**Nov 12th –Live Lounge**

**Louis pov**

Harry had chosen not to speak according to the doctor’s orders not to strain his vocal cords- much to Nick's dismay- but the interview went swimmingly despite Louis efforts to make eye contact and smile with Harry the whole time which went ignored. He could tell Harry wanted to forget about the argument and be happy again but Liam sat between them being Liam and Louis knew it was a lost cause as it was extremely hard to ignore Liam for any reason especially when he kept nudging and grinning with him. And to make matters worse, Liam was super flirty today.

So okay Harry spoke through a talking app which made him laugh and seemed to have him occupied the whole time but when the time for the performance came all the intense drama ensued.

The band got through their live performance of Infinity which almost brought Harry to tears but he pushed through it with his vocals. But when their version of Torn started things escalated to a passive-aggressive war started by Harry. One Louis couldn't help but reply to with equal measure.

But the even weirder thing was…Liam seemed to be joining in the stage war.

See the song started with Liam and Louis knew Zayn was anytime they did it. But then Liam turned to Harry as he sang the line_; "I don’t know her anymore,"_ implying he was singing about Harry and Louis caught it but Harry didn’t. Louis played it off because Harry’s verse was up next and he was worried if his husband could pull it off without straining his vocals.

But when Harry opened his mouth, his voice was so broken and hurt and well, torn, and it showed.

Niall and Louis hit each other looks because, well, the lyrics were spot on how Harry was feeling just then so that if one was to change the female pronoun it would have been a sure shot to Louis.

Niall shook his head in a mixture of relief then quickly went back to casual mode to play it off. He sang his line perfectly but Louis was still angry at Harry's composure. He could feel Harry's rage on top of all the pain and it made him so done with all of it. Why couldn't he make Harry happy? He tried. Hard. Why is Harry so hurt by his and Liam's natural click when he had let himself be friends with the man who raped him and further ruined their already broken relationship?

_“And I don't care. I have no luck. I don't miss it all that much. There's just so many things that I can't touch. I'm torn."_ Yes, Louis was torn too. Yes, Louis couldn't touch Harry. Not the way he used to.

_"Nothing's well, he used to lie." _As soon as Harry let the masculine pronoun fly Louis knew that was it. Harry was singing about him. Him. Not that monster who took advantage of him after that party. Louis went so angry the red was burning through his face.

Four Five Seconds by Rihanna, Kanye, and Paul McCartney started up, and Niall wanted to die.

Liam sang his first verse, picturing Louis in his head. His second was all about Harry and what he said about him to Louis.

_'Sun was shining I'm positive. Then I heard you was talking trash. Hold me back I'm ‘bout to crash.'_

Harry jumped in with; _'I just can't apologize I hope you can understand.'_

_'If I go to jail tonight! Promise you'll pay my bill. See they wanna buy my pride.'_

Niall's face was like 'what the fuck is going here?' So he decided to channel his anger at the boys into his perfectly placed line; _'Cause all of my kindness is taken for weakness,'_

In the end Management had to pull 'Perfect' from the set altogether because the last few minutes had to be cut due to the tension between the married couple as Harry's rage had finally brought Louis to tears and Harry's voice gave out again during their solo_; 'If you like cameras flashing every time we go out,' 'And if you're looking for someone to write your breakup songs_ _about…'_

The press subsequently made the whole thing into another matter saying they were angered at Zayn's revealing interview after he left and it was a jab at him, but the four of them walked off the stage knowing what it was really about.

\--

**Nov 12th – Live Lounge cnt’d**

**Louis pov**

“What the fuck was that!?” Louis let loose in the Live Lounge sitting room.

Harry marched behind him. “I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.”

“You sang _‘he used to lie!’_ Am I daft to think you threw that for me? What the fuck did I lie about!?”

“You said you didn't blame me for what happened with Ben! I kept telling you he didn't rape me. You never wanted to hear it until a few days ago.”

Louis closed his eyes. "I should've never said those things. I told you countless times I love you. But you keep digging at me like I'm a scar and blaming Liam for something he can't help.”

As Louis let the rage subside his mind took him back to what Liam said after Harry’s OTRA rant.

"I need to ask you something,” he decided to deal with it now. “I just need a yes or no -Did you let go?"

Harry cocked his ear in a silent ‘what-the-fuck-you-talking-about?’ manner.

"Were you still going to jump after we begged you? Did- you- let- go- of- the railings?" Louis enunciated.

"I barely remember that moment, I was on painkillers. But yeah, I wanted to jump. Nothing you guys were saying to me was registering. I wanted to go -But you forgave me for all that."

"There was nothing to forgive. He took advantage-"

"No, he didn't. I know he liked me for a long time. I just never said anything to you. I was really low that night and I got drunk and he was looking at me all night. All my friends were there I could have gotten a ride with any of them but I let him offer to take me home. And it felt good the way he touched me. Like I was someone else, someone without the pain."

"Harry, he made advances to me. Or have you forgotten? – You know what, I can't do this anymore." Louis raked his hair and cried. “I've been trying so hard. I can't do it anymore."

"_You _can't do it anymore? _You've_ been trying hard? Well, fuck me over,” Harry dry-laughed. ‘I had a baby inside me. I didn't imagine it. I woke up_ without _my baby. And when I asked, they told me she died. I didn't get to see her. I didn't get to hold her. And it hurts like hell enough that I have to live every day pretending she never existed and watch you fake deep relationships with dumb brunettes- you get off one and another one pops up- But to stand by while they fabricate a _baby _out of nowhere and slap you on as the father? It's killing me!" Harry cried. "Louis, we made something. Our love made something and I can't get over it. You weren’t there. You don't know what I felt!" Harry rushed and sat down.

Standing on wobbling legs, Louis lowered his head and cried. _I know, Harry. I know exactly how you felt… _But he could not say it out loud.

"I'm sorry but I don't care to be a part of this sick narrative; the ‘proud uncle’ when that kid arrives. My god, they want people to believe it and she’s not even trying to look pregnant? It’s like they’re trying to taunt me by recreating _my_ pregnancy.”

“Harry, she’s just an actress. She doesn’t even know you or care about _taunting_ you. This is just a job for her. I barely know anything about her.”

"I'm not talking about her, I'm talking about them. Bloody Walsh and his dead army. They want to make me suffer for getting pregnant." Harry fell into clobbering sobs. Louis moved forward but Harry held out a hand. "Look the point is I was grieving not only for our child but for you. Because every single step we took since we found out about the baby Eleanor was there. She took all the public photos and articles and cute couple names with you and I was reduced to nothing more than a conspiracy theory. So forgive me if someone else took interest in me and I wasn’t secure enough in us to decline. I wanted to jump because I hated myself for disappointing you. You had just gotten the rose and I knew I didn’t deserve it. If you can't be with me anymore just because I was in such a bad place that I wanted to leave this world and all the pain behind, then I'll have to finally fucking accept that." Harry’s voice diminished into a vague whisper laden with pain.

"Finally?” Louis hissed, his own voice struggling for ground as he looked down at Harry. “Accept?"- Like Louis never _wanted _Harry? Like Louis never _fought _for Harry? Never _loved_ Harry? He couldn’t believe Harry was saying that Ben made him feel better than he did.

"I fell in love with you after _First Date_," Louis said, barely getting the words out audibly, tears wetting his eyes as he remembered jamming with his friends to the Blink 182 song White Eskimo started with at ‘Battle of the Bands’ all those years ago, another lifetime ago. "I waited a year for your call… And after they cut you open,” he emotionally jumped to another point in time, the worst point in time, “I took care of you when you couldn't even get out of bed to_ wee_."

"You felt sorry for me! You didn't give a damn that she died. I'm sorry if I can't get over it like _you did_."

Louis wanted to choke. He needed a giant wrecking ball to whack him into the wall for good. "Fuck you, Harry! I want your clothes out of my apartment by midnight,” he said ignoring Harry’s ‘_your apartment?’_ face. “And don't fucking come back."

Harry stopped crying immediately and jumped to his feet. With a deadly glare at Louis, he slammed the door behind him.

\--

**Nov 2015- Liam’s hotel room**

“I can’t go back to our place. I told him to pack up and leave. We talked about her- he told me how he really feels. He hates me!”

"Just tell him the truth, Louis," Liam pleaded to a sobbing Louis who had just knocked down the door of his hotel room and stormed in after Liam rushed and opened it. “Tell him what you’ve been holding inside for so long. God knows I’m tired of what this secret has done to all of us. Even Zayn was just tired of all the lies.”

"I couldn't tell him.” A hysterical Louis was grabbing his hair out. “You were right. He was going to jump whether I begged him or not. Instead of telling him the truth I told him I never wanted to see him again."

"So that’s it? It's over?" Liam asked, taking his shoulders and sitting him down on the sectional. He didn't think Louis was capable of breaking things off with Harry over something he- _Liam_\- said.

"Yeah. I had to. It was either that or I tell him. And I'm not telling him. I’m never telling him, Li or he’s gonna hate me even more." Louis descended into squeals and buried his head in his friend’s shoulder.

Liam held him, rubbing his back with comforting strokes. "Don't you ever think most of your arguments and problems can be solved if you just tell him what happened to her?"

Louis blubbered in reply. "You don’t understand- I never want him to know that kind of pain. He's already in _so much pain_."

"And you are too." Liam's hands moved his forearms, gripping them supportively and bringing them face to face. "I'm one of the few who were there, remember? I know _your_ pain, Louis."

Louis’ crying eased and he let the tears fall, but next an unexpected thing happened. Liam's warm lips had somehow found and covered his, giving him the gentlest kiss that lasted a short but sweet while.

\--

**Nov 2015- OTRA backstage**

Fresh off the stage, Harry splashed a bottle of water on his face, eyes to the side. This was usually the time he and Louis would grab hands and have sweaty hot sex in their dressing room. But that’s far from happening now. Not as long as Louis is cuddling with Liam like a passive puppy where people could see. And great, Liam just planted a long kiss smack on the whole area below Louis’ nose. _Gross._

He’d seen them together a few times in the last two weeks and tried to keep it together for the remaining interviews and such, to not lunge at Liam for stealing his husband right out from under him, but Harry even though he guessed Liam was the one who filled his head with how Harry had still made the move to jump after he forced Louis to forgive him on the balcony, he knew it was not Liam's fault they fell apart. Harry knew if nothing else, that it was his own damn fault Louis kicked him out. If only he had kept his mouth shut about Ben and just lied to Louis, he'd be the one getting French kissed behind the backstage curtains. Harry was upset but yet he could not deny it had felt liberating to say the things he said to Louis at Live Lounge studio. It was as though an awfully big weight was lifted off his chest concerning his feelings about Brianna and the fake pregnancy and Eleanor and... everything. He just wished he had said it all in a non-argumentative way, the healthy way so as not to hurt Louis the way he did. He would have apologized after but the look on Louis' face when he told him to leave and every single time he looked at him after that was cause for Harry to stay far and not inflict any pain on Louis again by thinking an apology would fix what was wrong with them.

As he was lost his thoughts, Liam caught his glowering eyes and was now walking over to him.

"I hope you can understand,” Liam said tactfully after a whole blushy blabber of how it happened. “I just didn't want you to hear it from someone else."

Harry raised a quizzical eyebrow. Who was Liam fooling with the _‘first to know’_ riff? "I saw you two backstage…and _frontstage,_” he lowered his brows into a squinted eye. Harry had immersed himself into his performances of singing and stand-up comedy to keep from stressing about his latest breakup with Louis but still, he noticed the way those two flirted and cuddled and played onstage in the corner of his eye.

Liam opened his jaw to reply.

"No,” Harry cut in. “You are the reason I didn't fall that day," he said, tone softer. "And Louis is the reason I have not tried to again. You've always had things in common. You two should have happened a long time ago."

The statement sounded somewhat backhanded, but that was unintentional. Louis re-elected a hero. One who was on par with him. And Harry had no right to contest that. He might as well give his blessing.

But still, as Liam nodded and walked off, Harry couldn't help it.

"I love him,” he said quickly and clearly, forcing Liam to stop and turn to face him. “I'm always going to love him. And we shared something- _someone_ special…so he's not gonna forget me. If you can live with that, then by all means..." he let it fade out. After all, they were still married. Harry still wore the ring; he would be wearing the ring for as long as he felt they still had a faint chance in hell.

Liam stood, eyes moving glassine around the room. Unable to make a comeback to Harry’s insanely honest words, he slowly backed away and exited.

\--

**Nov 2015- Liam’s hotel**

"He said that?" Louis asked, removing the gold-colored bedspread to get under them in the bed.

"Yep." Liam peeled off his jacket and button-up, standing robust and muscular before Louis. "He's happy for us. We can finally stop feeling guilty for falling for each other."

Things grew heated fast and soon Louis' clothing was all on the floor and he was crawling under the covers while Liam discarded his undies.

Giving himself a little feign jerk-massage Liam looked at Louis with naughty sexy eyes, and he gulped.

He was incredibly thick down there, no surprise as Liam was a well-built man.

Liam was a strong adorable man Louis always admired. He deserved to be treated well, and Louis knew in another universe where there was no Harry, he might have wanted to be the one to.

Liam coated himself with lubricant.

_Not making any promises. Not vowing to give myself to him forever, already did with-_

Liam pushed in.

"Oh!" Louis yelped.

"Doesn't it feel good?" Liam froze.

"Of course it does. But that's just it. It feels too good. Like I'm cheating. _I'm cheating,"_ he repeated, eyes in deep reflection now.

Dismounting, Liam pulled Louis close, stroking his sweaty hair. "It's okay. I get it."

"He's the only guy I've ever been with, Liam. I just - I'm not there yet."

"Do you want to go back to friends for a while?" Liam's voice was comforting and without a trace of anger.

"Can we? I think I need Liam, my friend, right now."

Liam sighed a laugh and kissed his head.

"You will always have him, Louis. That's a promise."

Closing his eyes gratefully, he let Liam hold him like that for a long time until they fell asleep.

*

**Dec 24th 2015**

Louis' family, Niall, and Liam filled Jay's living room. Carols on the piano, eggnog, the works. Louis lifting Phoebe a tad to reach the top of the tree, Louis sharing beers with Liam who he was back to friends with, and opening Niall's and Ollie's presents, Louis being fed pudding (Christmas pudding) by his Nana, which one bite was all it took to end his festive spirit. Harry loved Christmas pudding.

Louis leaned forward on the window still pulling tugging on the forearms of his special knit sweater. The pure white snow sailed to the ground in the twilight-like sadness. Or maybe it was him and the way he saw it. He couldn't help that now. Just like he couldn't help Harry.

He smelled the gingerbread and heard stupid jokes going on behind him, and wondered-all he could freakin do is wonder- Is he warm? Is he enjoying eggnog and Christmas pudding somewhere with his mother and sister? Or Ben. He couldn't even be jealous if he was with that man. His stupid heart just wanted him happy no matter what. No matter who.

It has been almost a month since they had broken up, the longest they had ever been apart, and even now if it took one phone call to change things? To fix them? He would call. But fuck it all because just as he had constantly reminded the brown-haired boy before, just as it was the reason they fell apart in the first place; it wasn't all about Harry. Louis had feelings too. Louis was a human who loved and lost too. Still, he carried the weight of Harry's pain too. Especially around the holidays.

So damn it, he just wanted to know if he was warm. No use calling after all that happened just to ask a silly question like that so he breathed out, tracing the initials on the fog he made on the window...OT. Placing the same index and middle finger on his lips for a kiss, he then placed them on the already fading letters, and turned away from the window, re-joining the gathering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
Omg please let your minds roam free on this chapter. I want to here from you guys even if you have already commented before.  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter tells the audience exactly what it is that Louis and most of the characters have been keeping from Harry. It also deals with the secret Gina and Louis had been keeping in the previous chapter. The last chapter will deal with how Harry finds out the secret, his reaction when he does and the aftermath of that. (Brace yourselves for that because it will be a tearjerker.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok Iv'e been a bit down lately and that's why I took so long to update. This chapter has just been an emotional whirlwind to edit and I needed time. I hope it all reads well. I want you to enjoy but please be advised that there are TRIGGERS for people who have lost a child particularly around the time of birth.

** June 18th, 2018 -Harry's tour Boston**

** _"I've never felt the need to explain myself in terms of my personal life. I very much feel like writing is the way you get to say what you want to say and be like, 'That's all I have to say on it.' With that one, I think it's up to everyone's interpretation, which is obviously an incredibly diplomatic answer. The line in particular, in the context of the verse, paints the picture of the feeling that I was going at. It's much more powerful when not taken simply as what it is."[quoted text]_ **

That was Harry’s reply to_ The New York Times_ after they had commented that the opening line in_ From the Dining Table_ which speaks of masturbation reveals adult subject matter as compared to One Direction's more clean-cut lyrics. 

_‘We haven’t spoken since you went away,_

_‘Comfortable silence is so overrated,_

_Why don’t you ever say what you want to say,_

_Even the phone misses your call by the way.’_

It’s about the time he wasn’t close to Louis anymore. Sure he was there every day at the hospital during Jay’s last days supporting Louis in a way nobody could. They had lived together for years and shared loss so Harry’s presence was essential at the time. But that was all it was; support. Louis was distraught he barely spoke to Harry the whole time except to say thank you for the shavers and lotion, and cry on his shoulder for a few minutes whenever he left his mother’s room and ended up alone with him. They had not been together in a relationship for a whole year at the time but they not on bad terms; comfortable silence, they call it. Harry had written the song shortly after Jay died and he had lost contact with Louis again. At the time he had thought they would reconnect but no such thing happened, Louis went off Harry’s radar.

Harry finished the song with the memory of the last time he had seen Louis.

“Styles, you have a visitor,” his management associate -what’s his name- said with slight annoyance when he walked off the stage.

Harry swung the curtain to his dressing room and let out a loud gasp of delight.

Liam was sitting crossed-legged on his dressing room couch in a cap and street-style clothing. He had obviously snuck into the concert unnoticed by fans.

“Your people are really elite, Hazza. You changed,” Liam joked. He flew up and they swayed in a tight bear hug.

Harry batted his hands at the door. “Forget those twats. Tell me how the EP is coming.”

"Oh, it's coming," Liam warned with gun fingers. "_Urban _sounds- Already handed it over to marketing.”

“Good! I can’t wait to see the buzz it stirs up. I’m proud of you Liam. Can you believe our lives?”

Liam nodded as they sat. “Yeah, Niall has an American Music Award, you’re both touring…”

Harry noted the drift off. _“Zayn is…”_

Liam grew a large smile. “Zayn is doing amazing as we all know. He got a head start going solo.”

"Uh-huh," Harry let the corners of his mouth go up in a small saluting smile. He did not have more than that for Zayn who he had not spoken to since he left the band almost four years ago.

Liam blushed. Harry knew he and Zayn have been on again for a while- Niall had called and told him some time ago. Niall was the member Harry spoke to the most every few weeks or so. Liam, he had not seen in months. And well, Louis was as good as Zayn with a zero.

“Zayn and I may not be talking but I am happy you two are making things work,” Harry said, genuinely.

“Zayn and I actually had a long conversation about why he left. He was still mad that he was the last to know about your pregnancy. It was a shock for him seeing you on the hospital bed like that all stitched up. We were all scared and sad for you, Harry but the rest of us knew about the baby. He didn’t. He was really hurt. He said- and I agree- it may have been yours and Louis’ baby but the burden was all of ours to bear. You should have told all of us the minute you found out and let us help decide what to do, at least given us a chance to make our own choices for our careers. Zayn carried that resentment straight up until two years later when he heard you telling Louis about leaving the band. He said he wasn't about to let you make that decision to break up the band again without consulting any of us first. He was fed up with you thinking you know what was best for the band and thought you were never going to tell him you were thinking of leaving anyway, so he quit to preserve his career. I for one feel guilty. I should have told Zayn you were pregnant the same day I found out."

“I hate the way he found out too,” Harry conversed. “I wish that day never happened. I wish we had had that dinner like we planned and told our families. You know, Louis was mad at me. He told me the last time I saw him he was so mad at me for not allowing him to tell his mum from the beginning. Maybe I should have told all of you first before Natasha. Maybe then none of it would have happened. Jay was a nurse. She would have made sure I okay and never lost the baby in the first place. Louis and I were so young and we didn’t know what the fuck we were doing. I was getting tattoos and taking off-the-counter pain meds and vitamins, but we were on tour and I kept getting sick and the stress of it all just... Zayn should have understood. I never wanted to hurt the band. I was keeping it a secret because I wanted to protect the band.”

Liam sighed and nodded that he understood Harry’s side. But Harry didn’t want to keep talking about Zayn in a bad way after he and Liam found each other again.

The conversation drifted off again into an awkward silence, and Harry said, “The next time you talk to Louis will you tell me how he’s doing? Maybe mention me and see how he reacts?”

Liam sighed. “Funny you should say that. I had been to see him the other day.”

“How is he?” Harry wanted to know, but now that he asked he was afraid of the answer. Not that he thought Louis might be doing terrible but that he wasn’t sure how hard knowing Louis was getting along fine without him was going to hit him.

Liam fumbled in his pocket, fixed his cap and leaned forward. “Why don’t you hear for yourself.” He took Harry’s hand and placed a flash drive in his palm. “It’s some stuff he’s been putting together for the album. He wanted me to be the first to hear it, give him my opinion, but we both agree you should hear it too, since you have known him the longest and you two have gone through hell and back together.”

Harry shook his head as he took the flashdrive and examined it pensively. “We haven’t gotten back from hell yet. I need to straighten things out. To apologize. To…” Harry sighed off in frustration. He had been saying it to himself for months. He felt it was time to say it to Louis. "What I did was disgusting. Louis had been there for me through a lot and I betrayed him. I let myself believe that Ben was better for me. Looking back, how could I possibly believe that?"

Liam insisted. "Louis loves you still. At this point, I doubt anything could change that."

“Since I found out the truth, Liam, I feel like I’m not worthy of his love anymore.”

“We all made mistakes. Louis told me himself, he would take you back in an instant.”

*

**June 18th, 2018** **\- Louis**

Louis put pen to paper and let out all he had felt about the last breakup. From listening to Harry’s songs he knew he wanted the closure Louis never quite gave him. After their last meeting he poured on a façade of being free and in control but in reality, he had been hiding from Harry. For the past year, he had been afraid of seeing those eyes again and what would be contained in them taking the place of his love for Louis.

_‘I always said that I’d mess up eventually_

_I told you that_

_So what did you expect from me? To call?_

_There's no surprise at all_

Louis made so many mistakes but it had been a year and he didn’t know if he could come back from this one.

_I know you said that_

_You'd give me another chance_

_But you and I knew the truth of it in advance_

_Mentally, you were already out the door_

He would have given Harry a chance too if he’d asked. But he knew they would be over before they even began to try.

_Never thought that giving up would be so hard_

_But God, I'm missing you_

_And your addictive heart_

_You're the habit that I can't break_

About getting so tired of it all without Harry there to make it better.

_Took some time_

_'Cause I ran out of energy _

_Playing someone_

_I’ve heard I’m supposed to be_

_Honestly, I don't have to choose anymore_

About not having to worry about how Harry was feeling about the stunts because Harry was free now.

_But it's been ages, different stages_

_Come so far from Princess Park_

So much has happened since they first moved in together with open hearts and young hopeful eyes.

_I'll always need ya_

_In front of me_

_In front of me.’_

He was nervous knowing that Harry was about to hear all his thoughts, all his hope. But it also gave him a sense of relief to know that even if he hadn’t spoken to him he could still talk to him through his songs. 

*****

**Sep 27th 2017**

**Louis pov**

_"I wrote this song about a time in my life when I was going out partying every night. In hindsight throughout that time I was pretty numb and just going through the motions. Deep down it was always in the back of my mind that what I really missed was the girl that I loved. It was important for me to write something really honest." { quoted text}_

Louis had just finished doing promotions for _Miss You,_ and sat in his New York apartment reflecting on the last two years he had. After he had broken up with Liam he had asked Harry if he wanted to try again and he said yes but they had barely hit the sack before Modest was already thrusting him into another charade- he had to ‘date’ an actress named Danielle Campbell from a TV show. Since December 2015, that lasted up until January this year.

Although it was stressful having to get the narrative right, he had been secretly smitten with her brother Johnny with whom he had immediately hit it off and started dating shortly after Danielle introduced them. He was two years younger than his ex Harry, and such a breath of fresh air whenever they met up.

Of course, as soon as it had begun it was almost snuffed out by management following the two men's trip to the tattoo parlor together to get matching penguin tatts, and Louis had to spend months after that stunting half nude with Danielle to divert the potential gay headlines. Although his sister was only doing her job, Johnny hated Louis’ management and was always unable to keep his mouth shut. He was the one to brag on Instagram that he and Louis got the same tattoo on their backsides, a pattern that formed throughout the entire period of his being close to him and Danielle.

This would have annoyed Louis if Johnny’s _fire_ didn’t remind him of Harry’s. Not to mention he was spontaneous and fun- Like Harry. Johnny would shout and cry- worse than Harry- every time a picture of him and Danielle arose, and Louis would feel sorry and cuddle his tears away until he was bubbly again. The thing was, his sister and Louis were in a fake relationship, and jump high jump low it was not a good mix to be so deeply involved with the younger man lest they get caught.

As Louis sat thinking about it, he glanced the tattoo on his fingers. He had gotten it on the same occasion as the penguin one. He remembered that day clearly;

_"You should get a penguin too," Johnny said, pulling half his cheek out for the artist to start work. "It symbolizes nurturing and the happy side of life. You're a singer so maybe get one with a mic or something._

_"Earmuffs," Louis said after a second of thought. "I want one with earmuffs." …to drown out the rules and regulations and allow me to hear the crying, he thought to himself as he flipped through the design catalog. At night alone in the quiet, he just wanted to hear crying… He bit his lip, the tears running up his veins and pushing through his eyes._

Louis might have tried to make things work with Johnny despite the risk if were not for his mother getting sick and dying last December, a year after he met the guy. Louis loved his mother and any advice she gave him was important to him, so on her death bed when she told him he needed to tell Harry the truth and resolve things with him- and yes, Zayn too- before he can truly move on with his life. Even with a sympathetic Harry right outside her hospital room with Louis’ other family members as she spoke, he was too much of a coward to ever tell him the truth, so he made up his mind to _not_ move on in the note of not disobeying her.

Johnny had kept calling his phone at the hospital leaving voicemails saying Louis’ security wasn’t letting him in the building and he was about to punch one of them in the face if Louis didn’t do something about it, but Louis didn’t care because his mother died not long after saying these things and that pain had hit him like a baseball bat in the head. Sharp and final. Killing every trace of feeling he had. He had lost the one person he could break down to, and who he knew would have his back and hold his tears. So on the note of never moving on, he ended things with Johnny and broke the boy's heart. Of course, that did not sit well with Danielle who stuck up for her younger brother like any big sister would and terminated her contract the very next month at the start of the new year so as not to have anything to do with Louis again.

It was now eight months after Johnny and Danielle disappeared, and Louis still had not gained the courage to tell Harry the secret he had been keeping from him for years, still could not _move on_ although he was currently seeing a sweet guy, Luke, who Ollie and Calvin introduced him to while they were all at a concert with Eleanor, who got her job back on the advice of Louis’ new solo management team -which was COUPLH free as far as Louis was told by Gina.

Louis had his issues with Eleanor but he was accustomed to her and didn’t want to have to pretend to kiss another stranger so he agreed to the rehire. Besides he saw it as a plus in that she would serve as a sort of a _scarecrow_ to keep Harry away after the man tried many times to ‘be there for him’ as Lottie had put it after Harry asked her to find out why Louis had been ghosting him since the funeral.

Louis didn’t want anyone _being there for him_. Especially not Harry who he heard had been seeing Ben again lately. His mother’s death and his previous relationship with Harry had fucked him up, and now Luke was frequently telling him he had commitment issues. Ba! Louis brushed it off with romantic shit like extravagant nights out on the town and placing his jacket on him for the cold. Nobody in their right mind can argue with that romantic _commitment-y_ gesture, even when it wasn’t cold out.

Louis started thinking about what next to do for Luke when he goes back to London. As if any of that could ever stop the pain of losing his mother _or_ the little crier in his head. The one he loved so much he bought dozens of toys he never had growing up, and cute Adidas unisex clothing for, the day he finally pushed his fears aside and wanted to meet her only to lose her the very next day. The one who changed his life forever even though she never got the chance to be a part of it.

Everyone who had known about the pregnancy told him that he was to be the strong one, that he was to move on to be there for Harry. And he tried. He tried so hard but Harry didn't let him. In the end, they had both pushed each other so far away that Louis was now secretly grieving three people instead of two because if Harry was anything more than a ghost in his life then he would actually be in his life still, loving him. Grieving with him.

The fact of the matter is that Louis had a heart and it was broken too just like Harry's and even though he did not carry her inside him or felt her physically ripped away from his body like Harry did, he had been in pain from that day to now, unceasing. And even though he could not speak of it to the public, he still paid homage to her with a tattoo as Harry had ironically been the one to encourage him to say everything he could not vocally with ink on his flesh.

The pain of all his tattoos played out well to mask the deeper ones. The ones the needle could not get to no matter how big and complicated the tattoo design was. But this tattoo wasn't meant to be that way; long and complicated. It was short and sweet just like the life of the one he did it for.

See, everyone thinks it’s just his favorite number. He wore it on his team jersey for footie because she gave him the strength and confidence to play. He had finally got it tattooed, that day with Johnny, on his fingers where he can always see her and never forget. He loved her across oceans and beyond the sun. He loved her past the milky way and around Saturn’s ring. He loved her all the way back to the dinosaurs and way beyond the millionth century.

He loved her to infinity- _28._

_I know you've already told her to me, Mum. I miss you both so much, _he thought as he opened his door

_Ring! Ring!_

"Hello,” he shifted to pull out his cell. "Nialler! I haven't heard from you in a while. What's up?

“Hey mate. Heard you were in New York. Guess what- me too. How bout we meet up at my place for cocktails. Catch up?”

“Okay sure… I'll see you then, mate."

*

**Sep 27th 2017**

**Harry pov**

_“I want you to raise Ruby with me.”_ That was the one sentence weighing on Harry’s mind since Ben had said it the night before when Harry walked in the door from his flight.

Harry had stayed friends with Ben over the years until three months ago when Ben introduced him to his father who was an IVF specialist, who then explained to him that he wanted to help him get pregnant again and carry the child to term this time. Harry had been shocked and angry for weeks that Ben would tell his father Harry’s personal business like that but Ben swore his father was a discreet man who just wanted to help. Ben had even gone so far as to offer his own sperm, explaining to Harry that he and his wife had grown apart and were now married in name only. He would be making a whole new family with Ben.

The many times he thought it over, the more he was afraid and reluctant to get pregnant again, so he remained on the birth control pills he had been taking since he lost Olivia and when he told Ben he didn’t want to get pregnant again that’s when he offered Ruby though Harry was already the child’s godparent.

Harry grew to care deeply about Ben who swore that even though he first had a crush on Louis he and Harry had formed a bond he cherished. True they shared a bed... but not much else. Harry respected Ben's things and rarely ever wore his clothes or used his products. If one looked at them from the outer lens, it would look like they stunted together, like Louis and Eleanor. But unlike that ‘couple’, Ben took him places for real like Machu Picchu and sailing on his yacht. And _very_ much unlike them, Ben would hold him by his bare thighs against the wall and fuck him until he came from every which way. He was different. He wasn't as big as Louis, so unlike him, Ben didn't reach all the way up in his uterus poking at the exact spot his baby once was and making him feel like he couldn't breathe. Long story short; sex with Ben wasn't an emotional torture.

But even with all that Harry was not able to comprehend _raising a child _with him_._ Even if he wanted that -which he hadn’t had enough time yet to decide- nobody would be happy for Harry. Especially not Louis, who would probably never allow his sisters to speak to Harry again, god knows he certainly isn’t- not since that final aloof ‘thank you’ hug after Jay’s funeral last year.

But even worse, Harry could not picture himself taking care of another woman’s baby, as though she wasn’t there, as though she didn’t give birth to them, as if he would not be ripping the child from her mother’s arms. As though he could live with himself if he dared put another mother through the pain he still felt after five years without his own daughter.

No, Harry was not in the mood to talk parenting with Ben. The man had given him some time to think about it and Harry was hoping for some kind of sign to tell him that this is a good thing.

Digging around in his suitcase large as a tent, Harry sank to the marble floor, his white towel clinging to his upper legs.

He had flown into New York from LA and spent the morning sleeping off jet lag. He had a strong urge to drink but he knew how that would end up. His therapist insisted that he should fight like hell not to get wasted and fall apart. She advised him that instead he should pick a song from another artist and sing it in front of people even though they won't know who it's for. He had a show tomorrow at Radio City Music Hall but he already had a Stevie Nicks song scheduled. He figured he’d go to his favorite pub later and do an Elton John or something.

_Ring! Ring!_

"OUCH!" he yelped lifting his left butt cheek off of a belt buckle and rubbing it. He tossed his melon trousers and white camisole on the king bed and walked a mile across the room to his dresser where his phone was.

"Hello."

It was Niall. Harry hadn't seen him in a while. He was mumbling something about coctails at his New York condo and needing to see him for old times’ sake.

"Sure, Niall. Since we’re both in town I can spare a few hours."

*

**Sept 27th 2017**

Louis rang the bell on the condominium door. He googled his eyes at the peephole, sure that Niall was already checking to see who it was.

The door swung open and a dapperly dressed Niall welcomed him with open arms.

“Oh, I just invited a couple friends. Will be here soon.” He told Louis as he flooded in.

"So, how are you holding up with tomorrow and all?” Niall said with a sympathetic tone. Louis took a moment to catch what he meant and let out an “OH!” when he finally did.

“Uh, I’m great. I’m actually glad you invited me- takes my mind off it really.” Louis appreciated that Niall remembered the date- after all, it affected him too. It affected all the boys- but talking about it was the last thing he needed now.

Niall was about to engage him in opening up a bottle of whiskey when the doorbell rang again.

Niall jumped. “I-uh- I guess that’s them- Hey will you go in the pantry and get me a can of pineapples for the cocktails? It’s just _that_ way,” Niall pointed to the long hallway.

Louis started walking. He thinks he remembered where Niall’s pantry was. He had been in the Condo once for the housewarming party when the lad had bought the place a few months after the hiatus.

He reached the pantry. The door was ajar so he walked right in and saw the back of someone rummaging through the shelves. His heart almost jumped right out of his chest as the door shut behind him making the person jump and spin around.

"You!"

“_You!”_

It was Harry. He had on a pink suit and his hair was short and wavy. Less curly than when they were in the band.

"Niall told me to get the pineapple for the cocktails! That lying-" Louis turned abruptly to open the door.

Harry said, "He told me to get cherries but from the looks of things I doubt there's either item in here." 

Louis sighed and pulled the doorknob. It was stuck. He yanked again_, Locked_. A voice from the other side shouted haphazardly about getting a wrench, then their footsteps leaving.

"No, no, no, no…" Harry tried yanking the doorknob now. “Why would Niall do this!?" Harry cried in a song as he looked around the shelves for a key. He sounded so irritated, like just seeing Louis made him sick.

“Sure, it's nice to see you too,” Louis blew out a thick breath.

Quite frankly Louis didn't know why he agreed to come. It was two o'clock but he was supposed to be drunk and passed out by now or at least dancing on freaking tables until he was. Now he has to listen to Harry whine about how he didn't want to be around Louis right now.

Uncertain how long they were to stay locked in there, one thing was for certain, Niall was going to pay for this big time.

"So, how's Ben?" Louis asked bitterly.

"He's fine. How's Luke?"

"He's good." Louis nodded forcing the _casual_ a little too much.

"I'm actually glad that you're Happy, Louis."

"Are _you_ happy, Harry?" the _'with that guy'_ lingered in the silence.

"If I don’t remember what tomorrow is," Harry decided. "You know what tomorrow is?"

"Yep," Louis answered quietly. "September 28th. Our four-year anniversary. And the date the doctor told us you would be due five years ago." 

Harry broke in, "-the date we were actually supposed to meet her." What would have been the last three and a half months of pregnancy was the beginning of the worst trials for them as a couple trying to cope with the loss.

Louis folded arms defensively. "By that date, we were supposed to have a fully healthy baby," Harry remembered the doctor Natasha took him to giving him a due-date based on his charts. September 28th, 2012… tomorrow. But instead of welcoming a bouncing baby that date was one of the worst to pass. Harry could not bear to go through it the next year so he married Louis on that date so they would always have a happy memory from it draping over the bad.

The wedding still didn’t fix help the grief he was drowning in.

"Maybe if I told someone she'd still be here," Harry's voice cracked. Louis started a slow shake of his head, rubbing the coldness of his arms as he stood face to face a meter away, not coming any closer. Okay, Harry deserved that, he can admit. He guessed when you've pushed someone away for so long they tend to think of it as normal as a sunny day at the beach whenever you start to cry.

And yep, Louis looked like he was at the beach now, taking in Niall's pantry wallpaper design; a dark nickel-color with black diamond outlines all over, not that any of that mattered.

"You know very well how I wanted to tell my Mum," Louis eventually said evenly into space between them. "Just that one person. I don't know how to feel about that but don't think for a second that there was anything you or anybody else could have done to save her."

"No, Louis-"

"You heard the doctors," Louis said, voice accelerating in tone and pace. "Your body wasn't equipped to carry a child to term."

"But she still made it that far! She was here!" Harry grabbed his belly with both hands like a leech. "She was... I could feel her- She was -" Harry choked up.

Louis' heart riddled. Harry was falling apart in front of him. "No. No. Stop." Louis broke up the scene in all possible scenarios and outcomes, and couldn't cope, because they all ended one way; Excruciating, bone-breaking, strangling pain.

Breath catching up in his nose, unable to inhale or exhale, Louis darted for the door.

"NIALL! NIALL, I SWEAR TO GOD OPEN THIS DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR NOW!" he pounded madly. "PLEASE!"

Okay, Harry was definitely wrong. Louis wasn't on the beach; he was freaking _drowning in the ocean_. A scenario that, unfortunately, and sadly, Harry feared he had created.

*

** June 18th 2012 cnt’d**

** _'Eyes can't shine unless there's something burning bright behind. Since you went away there's nothing left in mine_ ** **.’**

Harry lay there crying, weak and helpless. Empty. Despite the ounces of morphine, he was still in great pain but nothing compared to the whispering emptiness echoing inside him mirroring the cold room. He was not alone, his mother sat quietly with her bible, muttering verses Harry barely understood even with her acute alliteration but he still felt so alone. Where was Louis? He only wanted that warmth. That voice.

He breathed out as he heard a cluster of voices getting closer, and his mother looked up just as the door opened, and a few people came flooding in. Harry understood that he knew these people or they wouldn't be there, but they were all blurry, save the one in the middle, Louis.

The boy rushed down beside him, pressing fiddling fingers to the sweaty hair on his forehead. He smiled down at him so sweetly that Harry decided to take it in a few moments before telling him.

"It was a girl. They said it was a girl." His sight faded into fresh emerging tears as he watched the boy's Adam's apple perform a hard swallow.

The baby's gone. Is that the way he should have said it? It's over? Is that what he needed to have said to avoid the look he was getting now from the boy? That look of something deeper and more complicated than the despair he was currently waning inside him.

"I-" he couldn't finish. His throat shut. He tried again.

"I lost our baby." And he was gone again with the sobs that grew louder and louder as Louis half-climbed on the bed and pressed his head into his collarbones.

Instead of comforting Harry, the gesture only pushed out the sobs to make way for fresher, louder ones as he began to feel the seeping wet of his boyfriend's own tears on his chest.

"I'm sorry," Harry wailed, feeling the sting of his still-fresh ‘_Won’t Stop till We Surrender’_ tattoo as his arm clung to Louis’ hair.

"You are so brave and I-” Louis stammered. “I wasn't here. I should have been here."

*

**Sept 27th 2017**

Louis stopped banging but didn’t turn to face Harry.

"I'm not gonna eat you, Louis," Harry shrugged at the hysterical man. They both had a tendency for hysterical panic attacks but Louis’ was the worst. He allowed himself to simmer down and take a seat on the opposite wall. He wiped his eyes and forced back his lump.

“You have to admit it’s funny,” Harry spread on a genuine grin. Louis looked at him with a _'how the heck is this funny_' brow.

Harry returned a smirk. _“A jumped-up pantry boy, who never knew his place...” _He sang in a whisper, earning a drawn-out snort from Louis.

"Remember when you, me and Stan first went to a pub together and we sang that on Karaoke?"

“Yep. I remember you being so jealous Stan wouldn’t shut up about it after.”

Harry blushed. “We’d just gotten in the record deal and I was so immature. I guess I was jealous of your friends coming out to spend time with you 24/7.”

"Guess Niall made it so neither of us could pull a Zayn, huh?" Harry joked, hoping for a laugh, a smile, anything.

"Zayn's always blamed you for everything that happened to the band," Louis scraped out all of a sudden. "But you? You've always, always blamed me."

Harry's eyes narrowed. "That is not true. I took it out on you because you were so much stronger than me. You could take my bullets. But the real people I blame are still benefiting from our pain. They never gave us a chance to properly grieve her."

"I grieved her," Louis acutely responded. "She was mine too and I grieved her. I still am."

Louis tried to say more, but Harry intervened. "I take all the blame. I was incredibly selfish. Of course, you grieved her too. You were in pain all the time, same as me, and I ignored you. Zayn was right. I only saw _my_ pain, I thought about _my_self," Harry said calmly through Louis sobs. "But even worse I never gave you credit for holding it all inside so you could be there for me like you did all this time. I always thought you were relieved."

_"Relieved?"_ Louis let out a piercing excruciating squeal that echoed like a small animal being pelted on a concrete wall. "You think I was relieved!? Okay, maybe I was, the moment I walked in the hospital room and saw you looking up at me full of life and green eyes and beautiful hair, all in one piece. Because when we called all Anne said was _like 'You need to come down here now.'_ She didn't say if you were okay or not- So yes! YES, HARRY, I WAS RELIEVED! AND GRATEFUL IF THAT WAS ALL I WAS ALLOWED TO BE RELIEVED AND GRATEFUL FOR THAT DAY!"

Louis' voice was a mess. Sober drunkenness that sat all over his features, weighing them down yet keeping a misplaced elegance, like black lace.

"I'm so sorry, Louis," Harry cried. "I wish I could go back and make you wear a condom, or maybe if I used birth control or something." He said it like a question rather than a statement.

Louis dragged his hands over his face. "I told myself the same thing for years. What if I wore a condom or pulled out or not fucking touched you at all? Then you'd be okay. Everything that's happened with your breakdown- it's all my fault. I told myself but you know what? Now I think, I wouldn't have changed that at all," he said, mirroring Harry's tone. "If we had used any form of contraception then I wouldn't have gotten to see her precious little face. I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life."

Harry hitched a snort. "You saw her?"

Louis froze. He had no idea how that slipped out. "I did, yes,” he gathered his words. “I went with Mum to the funeral home before the memorial, so I got to see her before we got to the house." Louis rounded off with a dash of relief.

He watched Harry frown deeply. "Mum never told me I could have seen her? You didn't either. What did she look like!?"

Louis burst out in a smile, snorting snot all over his top lip. "She was- " he wiped it and cupped his hands together in a demonstrative ball. "she was barely five months so she was- so delicate, and small, so small her head was smaller than my palm."

"Did you see her eyes?" Harry asked, eyes wide, and Louis' demeanor fell. He froze and looked down at his palms, now trembling.

"Th- they were- ah – they were _blue_." And with that statement, Harry could see the pieces of his ex visibly shatter to the floor as he dropped his hands to his sides.

Louis vision blurred with fresh tears as Harry dived into his shoulder.

"Oh, Louis. I'm so sorry you had to do that alone. I should have been there. I should have been there with you."

Harry cried holding on to Louis as if it could make up for all the years of fighting with him and pushing him away and guilt-tripping him since now he knows, in reality, Louis was the one who had to live with the memory of her eyes being the same color as his for all this time. "You've bottled this up from me that long?"

Louis nodded.

"Because you didn't want to upset me?"

Louis closed his eyes, nodding deeper in reply.

“I never knew what she looked like, and now I'm so grateful that you know because now I know she has someone to hold on to her the way she was and not just what I imagined her to be. You saw our baby. Thank you."

This was supposed to be the part where he told Harry the whole truth, and he was going to just as soon as his entire body stopped cramping up.

Once he regained feeling he decided to change the subject. "When he found out you lost the baby, Simon hugged me and said I should have taken you to the doctor he told us about. To get the abortion."

Harry snorted coldly. "I bet he did. He was just worried my C-section would get attention."

"He's said a lot of things in the past but that was..." Louis blew. "That was the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. I hated him with a passion."

Harry gulped. Wasn't hard to tell that passion still lived. It had him wondering how Louis saw _him_ for everything he said and did.

"Ben, um…he apologized for what happened after the party. He said I was in a vulnerable place and he regretted what happened."

Louis felt sick. What a load of rubbish.

"He admits he took advantage of me but I still take responsibility for allowing it. After it happened I felt like a disease. I already made one mistake by getting pregnant and now I had just cheated on you? I thought I was canceled. In my mind, I thought I'd be lucky if you ever looked at me again. I was really sick, Louis. Nothing anybody said would've made me climb back over the railing. Please don't hate me for that. I wanted to see my baby."

"If you had fallen, neither of us would be here today. I don't think I would have survived much longer after. So we both have to thank Liam for that. I never want you ever thinking I didn't want her."

"I know that now, Louis," Harry cried into his shoulder, hugging him tightly.

As he held him back, Louis felt the guilt like a laceration down his chest. Because even as he finally told Harry he had seen their baby, he still withheld the whole truth.

**June 18th 2012 cnt’d**

"Mum, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you,” Louis cried hysterically as his mother lead him outside the hospital room. Harry had fallen asleep and Louis wanted to break down at the sight of his abdomen in stitches. "Harry was so scared, and I didn’t want to scare him more and cause something like this to happen.”

Jay held on to him until they reached an empty waiting room where Paul appeared and stationed himself at the door. Louis felt an immediate relief on seeing him there although he was sure Walsh sent him to make sure the situation was under control and that no paparazzi or fans caught wind of the boys in the Los Angeles hospital. He was certain Paul already negotiated the hospital staff’s discrepancy.

"Louis, it's okay,” Jay hugged her son. She got him to look at her and said, “Listen to me. I have to tell you something and you have to be strong to hear it okay?"

Louis let out a sob and nodded.

“The baby is still alive.”

Louis gasped, making a move to run back and tell Harry.

Jay grabbed him and stammered as she continued. “She- she wasn’t six months yet. And even six months is not a guarantee.”

“You just said she’s alive. Why are you talking about her in the past tense!?” Louis was in no mood for riddles.

“All her major organs are severely underdeveloped,” her voice sought to regain stability. “She doesn’t have long.”

A dark cloud came over Louis’ demeanor and he covered his mouth in shock. “Where is she?” he cried.

“The nurse said that someone should stay with her until she goes,” Jay said, brushing his hair and cheeks with shaky hands. “She has hours for the most. But we have to be careful- “

Louis grabbed Jay’s shoulders to stop the patting. “I need you to stop treating me like a child and tell me where she is!”

“You don’t want to listen to _her_?”- Louis turned around. Paul was glowering down at him. He was like a second dad and Louis always felt safe and comfortable when he was around. But there was a serious grate in his voice now. “Then you’ll have to listen to _me._”

“Paul filled us in on what Simon told you,” Jay said quickly. “I can’t believe that man encouraged you to keep this from Anne and me.”

Louis turned all the way around to face Paul. “You knew he was pregnant?”

Paul nodded. “It’s my job to know everything. But we don’t have time for that. Listen, Modest doesn’t know the baby is still alive. Anne managed to get the doctor's discretion to keep that fact from Modest. You only have a few hours before the child stops breathing. The only way for this to work is if you either let your mother stay with the baby and you go be with Harry or vice versa. You can’t keep moving from the infant ward to Harry’s room, Gina will see that and report it back to Walsh. Louis, they have taken over your whole lives. You need to say goodbye to your daughter in peace. But Harry can’t know because Gina is stationed outside his room and we know he’ll scream for the baby until he gets to see her, and not only will that attract Gina and Modest but other patients warded in the hospital. We don’t need that kind of publicity.”

Jay agreed. “Gemma is with the baby. Make your choice now, Louis. If you choose to stay with the baby it means you can’t see Harry until this is over. That could be hours from now.”

Louis stood on the spot, not sure if he understood anything being said to him. All he registered was baby and hours, and Harry. “I want to see her,” was all he could manage to say as his legs gave out.

Paul grabbed Louis’ shoulders to get his undivided attention. “Here’s the plan; You and Jay are gonna go tell Gina you’re leaving the hospital for a while to let Harry rest. Then you’re gonna come through the side entrance and head down to the infant ward. Jay knows where it is. When you get there you cannot show up at Harry’s room again unless you plan on staying there. You cannot let Gina see you going back and forth between wards. It will look suspicious and she’ll have to report that the baby is alive. The time it takes her boss to send people in here to take control of the situation and make us all sign agreements you would have already lost hours you could have spent with your baby. I don’t want that to happen.”

Louis nodded through the whole thing, his head spinning with nerves at meeting his baby.

Paul then hoisted his arm around his huge shoulders and escorted him and Jay set off.

\--

They reached a room where Louis could see Gemma through the glass window holding a small bundle of sheets. There were an incubator and a bed and the room smelt like G-salt and faint bedpans.

Gemma put the sheets back in the incubator and stepped aside, smiling grimly at Louis.

He walked up to the thing and looked down inside. There wrapped snuggly was the most awe-striking sight he had ever seen. Louis' eyelids widened, the blue of his iris finding a reflection in the fetus's. He stared into the deep ocean and scanned the parted little lips, in complete awe of the small thing. Her pale skin was almost transparent and the little hands were only stubs for fingers. The spine was definitely not developed yet as her neck was curved forward but Louis’ heart opened up so wide and all the sunshine crept in at that moment and he wanted to scoop her up and hold her till she was healthy. Her eyes... Louis knew as he looked into them that he'd never get over them as long as he lived.

"She looks so much like Harry!" Louis voiced to his mum as she stood behind rubbing his shoulders. "I can't believe this was inside him all this time. She's so beautiful, Mum."

He stared on in silence for a great few minutes unable to peel his eyes away.

"Maybe she just wants some milk. She must be hungry," Louis looked up dependently at his mother. Jay's lips started quivering out of control and her eyes welcomed fresh tears as she covered her mouth unable to say a thing.

She dashed away and sat in a corner to muffle her cries, and Gemma, who had been sitting behind her, came into view.

"She's already in so much distress. You wanna add nausea to the list? They said she doesn't have a full developed stomach."

Louis did not know what exactly happened but his heart suddenly burst open and a flood of emotions and tears and desperation came flooding out.

"Mum, please! There is another doctor who can save her! I know it! Please!"

"Honey listen to me! Her kidneys and lungs aren't developed and -" Louis yanked away but her grip was too fastened on his hand- "Louis! The best thing that you can do for her is to comfort her until she passes. She needs you!"

_"Uh-huh huh huh!!!!!"_ Louis rambled out a wail. He quickly darted out the room.

He reached only a few steps down the hall when Paul came out of nowhere and grabbed him around the waist.

"Where are you going, Louis?"

"I need a doctor!" Louis screamed, trying to pry the man's giant fingers from him.

He screeched out again and started wailing.

"My baby needs help! Please, I need a doctor! I'll sue if you let my baby die!" he roared to a nurse passing through the ward.

Paul dropped him, pulled him around and slammed him into the little wall between the doorway and the blinded window.

"The doctor already said what's what, Louis." The man's eyes were sorrowful and weary. "You are going to get back in there and hold your baby till it’s over! You said you wanted everyone to stop treating you like a baby and to be your own man. This is how you do that!"

Louis let out another series of wails and shoved Paul away sinking to the ground.

Containing himself as quickly as he could, he raked his hair back, wiped his nose and went back to the nursery, sniffling deeply.

A teary Jay had the baby in her arms now. She gave Louis a long look at seeing his moves to take her.

"Are you sure?" she said, concerned.

"I wanna hold her,” Louis confirmed with eager outstretched hands. “She needs me. She wants me to hold her."

He didn't know exactly the amount of pain she was in but he knew whenever he was sick and his Mum sang to him he felt better. And he knew many fans credited him and the boys for getting them through their hardships just by hearing them sing their songs. So he was compelled to sing to her.

_"There now, steady love so few come and don't go,"_

He stared at her while he sang and ignored Gemma’s sniffles in the background_. "Will you or won't you be the one I'll always know… When I'm losing all control and this city spins around, you’re the only one who knows you slow it down. And oh ooh oh oh ooh oh…be… my baby. Oh oooh Ohh Ohh…"_ he cradled and rocked her, gently singing.

Then, unexpectedly, Niall appeared with a video of Harry in his hospital room. Louis was relieved to see him peacefully sleeping.

"He should get to see her," Gemma snapped at Niall and his phone, more with her eyes, not to alarm the baby.

Louis was thinking how to answer when he turned and saw Liam standing behind the blinders, Paul pacing behind him. As soon as he noticed Louis looking at him he shuffled away.

"Mum, can you give me a sec?" Louis gently handed her the child and quickly walked out the door.

"Liam?" he said to the blob that was pacing the hall.

In seconds Liam was throwing his arms out. They hugged as tight as they possibly could.

"We just got here. Anne filled us in on everything. Zayn chose to stay with Harry and opted to come to see how you were doing. Niall, as you can see refused to follow Paul’s rules. He pretended to be walking me back out and we snuck in the side entrance to come here. He said he doesn’t care, he'll go back and forth to make sure everyone is okay.”

Louis smiled and started talking about the baby, Liam looking through the glass in awe and sadness the whole time.

"Liam, can you do me a favor?" Louis voiced as they pulled apart.

"Anything!"

"I don't want her to go in hospital sheets.” Louis pulled out his keys and handed them to Liam. "Go in my trunk you'll find a few bags. There's a new baby suit in a bag somewhere; a purple one. And maybe some socks and-" Louis' voice broke and his fingers braced his forehead.

Liam quickly understood. "Don't worry! I'm on it! I'll be back in seconds," he said, Paul already chasing after him.

Louis ducked back inside and found himself witness to an argument between Gemma and his mother.

"I want to go see Harry," Jay was crying as she looked at Niall’s video while rocking the baby.

"You heard what Mum said. You can't leave Louis. He needs you!" Gemma whispered back harshly, to which Jay responded by sobbing, "Harry is my baby too. I can't abandon him at a time like this!"

"Mum," Louis rasped. "Pull yourself together. Anne is there, and Zayn..."

Niall, who seemed to be waiting to see if Jay would go back to Harry's room with him, saw the look on Gemma's face and made to leave, but Louis grabbed his hand.

“Why are you not listening to Anne? If Walsh gets to know I'm still in this hospital-"

Niall cocked his head to the side. "Relax! I told Gina I have a weak bladder."

Louis exhaled and gave Niall a quick hug before letting him go. It had now been seven hours since he first saw his daughter and he swore if everyone around him and around Harry were not present he did not know how he’d cope. All the boys were there for them and refused to leave the hospital against Simon's over-the-phone orders to go home and let Harry rest, translation: _go home and not draw attention to themselves._

But he could not afford to waste a thought on Simon now. He gently reclaimed the child from Jay.

“My sweet girl,” He smiled down at her. Her face was red and splotchy and she was squinting her eyes in some kind of distress.

"Goodbye my beautiful princess," he whispered so softly for the baby alone to hear. "My sweet baby girl. If Daddy could take you and put you back in Mummy for a few more months he would, Baby. I would. I love you _so _much. I do."

Then, the baby sneezed and Louis couldn't take it any longer. He broke down completely. Every lively normal thing she did gave him hope he knew was false.

"Trust me, my angel, you don't want to be here for too long, my love,” he cried. “This world is a cruel and awful place. You belong in heaven where everything is beautiful. And everyone is nice," his mind flashed on Simon and Walsh and how they truly made Louis believe there were horrible people in the world. "I'd have to wait forever to see you again, and I'm still not sure I belong or if there is a place up there for someone like me, but I helped make you and I love you. And Mummy loves you so much. She's resting so she can't come but I promise you she'll never stop loving you or thinking about you."

Liam came in a few minutes later, eyes wet and hands gripping his sides. Jay was now taking the clothing he had brought out of the shopping bag. 

"We can put her in the shopping bag and take her to Harry," Gemma said.

Louis was steaming. "Are you mad!? You're not gonna risk that. What if she cries and Gina hears her? What if Harry's incision rips open when he sees her and starts bawling? You’re not gonna put my baby in a bloody shopping bag."

Gemma shook her head vigorously and broke down unable to speak again.

"I'm sorry Gemma,” Louis noted her sobs. “You're right. Harry deserves to see her. How can I live with myself if I don't let him say goodbye?"

"We all want him to see her, but Anne made it clear," Jay said in a hushed tone, "Harry can't be the one to do this. It'll be too painful for him. If you decide you want to go see him, then I promise I will stay with her. But remember, you cannot come back here. You and Niall will surely look suspicious."

Soon the baby was dressed in the clothes Louis had bought hours earlier, and he scooped her up with a big smile. "Who's a pretty princess? You are. Yes, you," they were huge on her but Louis did not care. His happiness was not going to be able to grow into them but they were hers and she deserved to wear them now.

"Do you want me to take a few pictures?" Liam asked after some silence.

"No," Louis whispered as he swayed her. "I don't want the light to hurt her eyes."

"I'll take off the flash, Lou."

Louis obliged and Liam took a few pictures of Louis and the baby.

"But... Do you want to hold her? I want her to know how many people love her."

"Yes, I want to hold her." Liam fought back tears at the sweet gesture.

"It's uncle Liam. He loves you too, so much."

"Oh god! She looks like Harry! Oh god!" Liam cradled the light bundle ever so carefully.

"She does," Louis smiled proudly from under his baggy eyes.

Louis then took her back so Liam could go to the bathroom, and that's when he heard it. The tiniest whimpers and gurgles coming from the child. By god, if he hadn't been so surprised he would have been a mess of sobs already. It was just him and his baby as he listened to her. The tiny noises soon turned into little cries, and for the first time, Louis had real hope.

"Babies crying is a good thing, right? It means she’s getting stronger?" Louis looked up to see if a nurse was nearby. But then the cries died down to weak moans as if she was so tired, so done.

"Baby?" Louis smoothed her chest. There was barely a heartbeat and her eyes were closed now but her lips were moving slightly and Louis was hypnotized by her. He wanted nothing more than to just sit there and be her daddy for as long as she had time. But that was a lie. He wanted way more time than that.

"I'm gonna call you Paris, cuz that's where Mummy and Daddy found out about you," - Jay and Gemma smiled at that- "It's so beautiful. I wish I could have gotten to take you there. But that's okay because where you're going is far more beautiful."

The child started making noises like crazy, the loudest she had ever been. Louis closed his eyes and kept swaying her, her head to his heart until soon the noises died down to be replaced with tiny weak ones. She then moved her mouth like she was attempting to cry but nothing came out. She was pale now and turning even paler by the second.

He kissed her forehead, determined to be strong for this part. "It's okay baby. You can go. You can go to heaven now my beautiful baby girl."

*

**Sept 27th 2017 cnt’d**

**Louis pov**

"I heard her cry," Harry said, head shaking. "I know I heard her cry just before I passed out from the anesthetic. That is all I have. But you saw her face. Maybe in a sad messed up way we can remember her together as a whole whenever we meet. Just like our tattoos make a whole when we put them together.”

Louis covered his mouth with the back of his hand and sobbed. _But I didn't just see her face. I held her for every moment she had left with us._

"I want you to come to the Pub later,” Harry insisted. "The one same one we used to go with Stan. I always go when I’m in the city. I'm gonna sing a song for Olivia."

Louis was taken off guard. "What song?"

"It's a surprise," Harry smiled. "I actually don't know how I'm gonna sing it without breaking down but you being there can ground me."

_Or make things worse,_ Louis contemplated in his head but said, "I'll come. Don't want you scaring all the people there."

Then as they both laughed, the door opened.

Louis jumped to his feet. "Great! You better run, Niall!"

"Louis?" Harry said in a soft request.

Louis turned to him and a tired but relieved look met his eyes as they focused on the man's face. He was also sure he saw some sort of a flicker of regret set in there as well.

"Promise me you'll go on... and be happy?"

A large lump came out of nowhere and burned through Louis' throat causing certain tears. _He's using freakin Titanic lines?_

Louis knew Harry would never try to kill himself again, not after Louis' mother died. He'd never do that to Louis, he'd never cause that much pain knowing Louis would be destitute without the second of the two people he loved above all. But him using that particular line that meant that particular thing in the movie made Louis seriously uncomfortable.

"Gosh, Haz, I tried that and came to the conclusion that I'm only ever going to be happy if I'm certain you are,” … _and there's no way to know that unless I'm with you which I'm not, and even if I was I'd never make you happy, we tried way too many times._ This is the summary rolling around in his brain of what he really wanted to say on the matter.

Harry's mouth cracked a soft smile. "I'm trying really hard to _go on_ but I'll never let myself do it if I know you're not."

The riverbank burst and the tears ran free down Louis' cheeks now. Harry lunged over to him and threw his arms over his shoulders. Louis buried his face in the man’s armpit.

"You don't have to mean it,” Harry muttered into his hair. “Just say it so I can sleep at night."

Louis diminished into sobs. "I-" he started then just finished off with a crazy nod. This seemed enough for Harry since he then gripped on like the chimp from their _Steal My Girl_ video.

They hugged as they'd never get another chance- which was potentially true since they barely ran in the same circle these days- and Louis made it a point to memorize the way his hair felt on his cheek, the way it smelled, even the musty Givenchy-_ish_ smell of his armpit.

It took them forever to come apart and when they did they had totally forgotten the door was open. They both turned to see Niall standing in the doorway, eyes wet behind his spectacles and arms folded.

"I got to see the Larry hug all over again. It's worth whatever punishment for locking you in there," he quipped.

"You are so gonna pay for this!" and "I'm not coming to your birthday,” Harry and Louis said respectively as they piled out of the room.

They both got on either side of Niall and the three of them sauntered through the hallway.

Louis stopped dead in his tracks as they hit the corner to the living room. A pair of gigantically cute teeth was showcasing at them from the bar.

“Guys, you remember Shawn.”

“Hi, It’s nice to see you guys again,” the guy said in his _bubble-gum_ American accent.

“I figured you wouldn’t kill me with a cute pop star around," Niall said, uncapping the bottle.

Shawn blushed like a dozen roses- seriously, his face was blood red.

Harry squinted his eyes. “Wait- are you two…_dating?”_

Niall peered smugly from his glass rim as he drunk a sip. “Don’t knock it till you try it, right Harry?”

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Louis laughed in his signature reverb, unable to help himself.

"Let's make a toast, to Olivia!" Louis held out a glass to Harry and Niall held out the bottle.

Harry let his mouth fall open. "I- I can't. I'm trying to be sober." He clasped his coat. Louis' bit his lip, his gaze moved robotic-ally from Harry’s face to the floor.

“There’s non-alco here too, Haz," Niall reassured.

"I should really get going," Harry insisted in general, then turned to Louis. "So I'll see you tonight?"

Louis hated that his Adam’s apple was so prominent because he really needed to swallow just then and he rather choke than let Harry see how much his kitten-face was affecting him right now. In the end he nodded sheepishly and dropped his gaze again. "Maybe."

Niall walked Harry to the door while Louis poured some champagne.

“He’s never gonna be over you, you know. Harry’s all but screaming to drag you home with him,” Niall said blatantly when he came back in a few minutes later.

Louis sighed knowing that was coming. "Ni, I'm with Luke now."

"Yeah, yeah, Luke shmuke,” Niall said as Shawn handed him his glass. He kissed Shawn affectionately on the cheek. “Tomorrow is your anniversary. He’s got a show and you’re flying back out to England. Neither of you have time tomorrow so he asks you to meet him at your favorite pub in New York and you say _maybe? _What if -" Niall hit the glass down and place both hands on Louis' shoulders. "What if this is a chance to start over with the love of your life? Wouldn't you take it?"

Shawn seemed to notice the conversation was getting rather personal and he quickly excused himself to go get the food.

“I told him I saw Olivia,” Louis said once Shawn was out of earshot.

Niall’s eyes nearly left his skull. “You what!? How was he so cool with that!?” He clutched his chest in a panic.

Louis steadied him. “Don’t worry. I didn’t tell him everything. He thinks I saw her at the funeral home.”

Niall was still frantic. “My god, Louis. You have to tell him. You can’t just tell him part of it and deceive him even more than we already have!? Gemma was right. We should have told him as soon as they released him from the hospital.

“I tried. But I couldn’t.” Louis fought back tears.

“If you choose to keep this from Harry for the rest of your life...I don’t know if I can wait that long. I want you two to be together. Liam and I both see that it isn’t going to happen until you tell Harry you said goodbye to that baby without him. What you two have is broken but it’s still the most baffling beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. You have to believe he will forgive you. I just hope he can forgive all of us.”

*

**June 2012**

"I want my baby!!” Harry woke up in the middle of the night and screamed in the hospital bed. He saw the faces of Niall and Zayn as they reached to hug him but he flung his arms in protest. “I want Louis!"

Anne, who was asleep on the cot, flew up and dashed to his bedside. "Harry, calm down Sweetie! You'll open your stitches!"

"No, I want my boyfriend and my baby! I want my _baby!"_

Anne took a napkin to his nose.

"Mumm," he said, adenoidal yet hoarse, "Call him, please I want- please, MUM, PLEASEEEE!!!"

"He had to go home. He’ll be back soon, but you have to keep quiet, Harry!"

Harry snatched Niall’s plaid sleeve. “I heard her crying. How can they tell me she died? I heard her.”

The two boys exchanged looks of empathy.

Harry roared for Louis and the baby for an hour until he got tired. And just as he was about to crash into the pillows, a pair of arms wrapped around him and pulled him into a warm embrace. His eyes closed, and he rested his head on the person's shoulder, not needing to see who it was at all. He knew who it was. If he were blind as a bat and the person dumb as a statue, he would still know who it was. Always.

**Sept 27th 2017**

**Louis pov**

The atmospheric smells were cold, fruity, and alcoholic. Ascending cigarette smoke splayed across the crowd, but nothing too overwhelming.

Stocky men in leather ripped-sleeve jackets carrying handfuls of beer, ladies in tight skirts and large hoop earrings with either sparsely or overdone makeup at tiny tables sipping green-colored, olive-on-toothpick martinis, this was Harry's night time abode now. A really simple place. Different from the flashing lights and wild dancing high-club life of LA he had grown famous in the underground community for.

Louis found one of the tiny tables slid his jacket off, and sat on the high chair facing the stage. He slung the jacket on the back of his seat and straightened to see a bright-eyed Harry two meters on his way over.

A cute Hawaiian themed midnight blue shirt with little white stars all over paired with dark trousers and Valentino's- not that visible in the dim-lit pub - but Louis knew Harry that well. He deserved credit, he used to pick his outfits out even after the first breakup when they were just friends.

"Hey, you! You came! I'm so happy to see you!" Harry bubbled, his perfume evident, his messy-sheeny hair in his signature rough side part, cascading around his dainty shoulders, accenting his beautiful, beautiful dimples. Louis had to look away a second lest he falls in love with him another layer. He was already trying to keep long-time deep-rooted feelings at bay without this shit.

"I figured 'Why not?'"

Harry leaned into him for a brief semi-hug and Louis needed to inhale that hair. It was imperative.

Harry sat opposite and continued to grin at him.

"So, drinks are on me tonight. I'm having club soda. Harry glanced sheepishly at him. But I think if I break down up there I may break my six-month sobriety."

Louis jumped out of the seat and grabbed Harry's hand, leading him away to the bar, a sly grin on his face.

"I'll have straight vodka and he'll have the cranberry and club soda."

Harry laughed. Like out loud, conditioning the ears.

"Complementary drinks. I should have known you'd do that," he hit him in the hip.

"I know it's dumb."

"I love it," flew out of Harry's mouth before Louis had finished the sentence, and they smiled and stared at each other. Louis leaned in closer, the bar becoming crowded enough to use as an excuse for the movement, and slid his money on the counter without losing eye-contact or even thinking of what he was doing besides stare into the sparkling eyes before him.

"Here you go," the bartender juggled quickly before seeing to another customer.

"I told you, it's on me," Harry started but Louis was stopping him with a quick noise.

He handed him the drink. "You didn't get to toast at Niall's. So…to…"

Harry's tongue caught up. Louis realized he was witnessing some kind of a breakdown.

He wasn't thinking. He could not stop it fast enough before it happened. His hand automatically reached and latched on to the small Harry's back, comfortably resting on the curve of his arse. The placement sent quick surges of heat from the point of contact straight to his now hard groin.

"Are-you-okay?" he stammered. Why is he stammering?

"To Olivia?" Harry said breathless, and Louis saw his eyes dilate, and felt him stiffen at his touch.

"To Oliv -" Louis held up his shot as Harry picked at his straw, but they were interrupted.

"Darling?" the class-climbing voice of none other than Ben came up behind them, poisoning the moment.

"Oh? Louis. Haven't seen you in forever," he said with a tone. "Nice of you to show up tonight- Harry, Darling, I think that's you now," he pointed a casual thumb to where the band was warming up with the light tenor of 'Tiny Dancer'.

Louis saw his hand scoop around Harry's waist, full to reach around his navel area, and he turned to the bar, jaw sharp, and doused his shot whole. Not looking back at them, he let the burning sting the insides of his chest, slow and sure. It was easier.

A flushed Harry nervously nodded and jerkily smiled, taking a few fidgety sips of his drink.

Louis heard a loud kiss noise and his already set jaw deepened. His teeth gritted so hard it sounded like biting ice. His finger immediately went up for another shot.

"Good luck, Sweetie," he heard Ben say before things went quiet, and then as soon as he deemed it safe to look Harry burst out, "I'm really nervous. If I break down, promise you'll be here to stop me from taking a drink?" Harry’s big green eyes were boring into Louis’ full of something akin to apologies.

"You'll be fine, Harry," Louis said, forcing himself not to return the stare angrily. He was mad at Ben, not Harry, for stealing the moment of their cheers to their daughter.

With a cordial exchange of smiles, Harry was marching up on stage. The band started playing the strings louder and Louis got a strange sense of angelic harmony in the mere sight of Harry up in front of the microphone.

The pretty man flashed him a deep breath and sang. _'Blue jean baby…LA lady…'_

Looking at him up there with his short hair and his delicate face, Louis likened Harry unto a renaissance painting. He couldn't help but recall the Madonna and child and Harry could just as easily be painted in such a graceful way. But he'd never get to hold a child, would he? Louis ached thinking how he got to be a father for a few hours and Harry didn't get to be a mother at all.

_'Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand.'_

Harry had a beautiful voice. One of the best voices Louis had ever heard. He remembered the first time he heard him sing so many years ago in BOB. Immature at the time but so cute. Louis dazed off, wondering. Wondering about whether the little angel could hear her mother sing from her perch in the clouds.

_'Now she's in me. Always with me. Tiny dancer in my hand.'_

Then his throat seized up, a painful lump encompassing.

Five… she would have been five years old tomorrow had she lived. Tears shot through as he tried to picture what she would have looked like now. He kissed his finger tattoo, the painful softness of her newly born skin still vivid on his palm, choking his senses to a pale shroud of existence.

He shoved it aside and focused on Harry. He loved Harry's voice…so calming. So sultry.

_'Jesus freaks out in the street handing tickets...'_

Harry smiled as he sang, all blushing and Louis just could not help but break into a smile and tilt his head at the beautiful person.

_'Hold me closer tiny dancer...'_

And then Harry's gaze moved left in the crowd and Louis followed it to where Ben was with a group of friends and a glass of whiskey. Ben nodded slow on eye-contact, clearly engrossed in the performance.

_'Count the headlights on the highway...'_

Harry smiled at the man and Louis' smile faded. Tears replacing it, he shifted back to reality. Harry was singing for their daughter, just another moment Ben stole from them.

And Louis was done. Done in a bad way...and...in a good way. The look on Harry's face cleared up all the worry in Louis' mind as to whether the man was happy or not. That bright smile that he shared for Ben surprisingly gave Louis significant peace inside. He'd never forgive or forget what Ben caused, what Ben did, but Harry was happy.

_'Lay me down in sheets of linen, had a busy day today...'_

Eyes dimming in realization, the pain of Harry's voice stinging him worse than the sea urchin at their judges' Houses audition, he turned and made his way out of the pub.

~~

**June 2012**

**Two days after stillbirth.**

"He just stares into nothing!" Anne said as she sat at the desktop in front of the computer in her home with Jay on the screen in her own living room, Daisy and Phoebe trampling the carpet in the background. "I don't know how to help my son. I don't know how to take his pain away. So please tell me Louis is taking this better. Tell me at least one of our sons is okay."

"I wish I could,” Jay sighed back through the screen. “Louis isn't feeling the exact same way since he didn't carry her around for all that time but he's torn up inside. He feels guilty because he says he and Harry barely talked about the baby all these months. They were both just so scared the whole time. Anne, I wish they had told us sooner."

"What would we have done?” Anne shrugged dolefully. “I would have taken Harry from the very beginning to get an abortion before anyone found out. But then if he had done that, he would not have known that kind of love for as long as he did. You know he keeps holding his belly-" she sniffled, "I know he wishes she was still there. I just want my baby's pain to stop."

"They'll get through this, Anne,” Jay put her hand close to the screen trying to comfort her, forgetting they weren't in the same room. "They're strong. And they have us."

A door on Anne's end opened, and she sniffled away her tears as Harry came into view. He hung his hands together around her shoulders resting his chin on her right side.

"Hi, Jay. Where's Louis?" he said softly, as Anne held his arms. "I miss him; I want to talk to him."

Jay smiled. "I'll go get him, Sweetheart."

Jay dashed away and barely a minute later, Louis was at the desk all fresh-faced and bright-eyed. Harry assumed he had taken a shower not too long before, from the slickness of his hair.

As Jay and Anne excused themselves, Louis started looking all over the room on his end nervously as he began, " Um... I'm glad to see you because um- Mum had an idea. She said that since she was almost six months that it would be standard to have, like, a ceremony?"

Harry blinked. "You mean like a funeral?" Gosh, the word came out so quiet with a bitter and dismal tang.

Louis looked at him properly for maybe the first time, and Harry saw a thin sheet of glace appear in his eyes.

"Yeah, um, Mum said she'd talk to Anne about it, so..." Louis sounded like he wasn't planning to go on about the topic.

And sure enough, they sat for about twenty-forever minutes, wordless, and Harry knew then-even more than he had during his pregnancy- that everything had changed.

*

  
**September 27th 2017 cnt’d**

Harry ran off stage with big tears rolling down his face and a tight chest. He looked through the crowd hoping Louis would see him and run to his rescue, but he kept running into strange faces with wide teeth and cheery eyes after his little number.

He darted outside before Ben could detect him, and saw Louis a distance away, head in his hands on the sidewalk.

“Lou?” He ran to him, hair blowing behind.

The man didn't look up. He made purring noises, his elbows on his knees, fingers twirling his hair.

Diving down, Harry put his arms around him.

“Why is he so important to you?” he said, facing the ground.

Harry blinked in understanding. "Ben and Meredith had a miscarriage before Ruby,” he tried to explain. "It happened just after you broke up with me before you started dating Liam. He was distraught when he came to see me and we sort of bonded over our similar loss. He understood. We have that in common and it helps to talk to him about it. He kind of knows how I feel.”

Louis shrugged and couldn't speak no matter how hard he tried. He shrugged again and it was unbearable. _And Liam knows what I feel,_ he thought. Liam wasn't a rapist like Ben. And Ben didn't lose a baby with Harry; Louis did. Ben wasn't there at the hospital supporting their baby while she breathed her last; Liam was. Yet he pushed Liam out of his bed for Harry's sake but Harry ended up back in Ben's**.** He wanted badly to say it all. But that argument was in the past now.

"And you think I don't?" Louis spurted. "When we found out about her you told me she should _fall out_ soon enough. You said you didn't want her and you made me promise to act like she wasn't there." He pointed mindfully at Harry's stomach.

"I didn't know you felt that w-" Harry was about to say, but Louis put his hand on his mouth, stopping him.

"I loved you both," he cried out. "So much. And when she died, I took care of you. I was there for you every second except that one time when you were losing her.”

“Did you know I bought her clothes and toys that same day?” Louis pressed on. “I was going to show them to you during dinner with our family that night. Eleanor helped me pick things out while we were waiting for the Paps to show up at the mall. She thought she had heard me talking to you on the phone and put it together. She told me that if you kept the baby she'd pretend it was hers so you and I could have both our baby _and _our careers. No one would have to know you had a baby, only us. And we'd have taken care of her ourselves but with Eleanor posing as her mother for the world. She wasn’t original, though; Fizzie made a similar offer earlier but I couldn’t do that to my sister- tie up her life like that.”

Harry screwed up his face. “You told Fizzie?”

“And Lottie,” Louis said. “I made them keep it from Mum.”

Harry’s mouth was falling open at all this new information bullets but Louis didn’t want to stop now.

“You know Fizz isn't taking Mum's passing well. She doesn't know what to do with herself now. Said needs purpose in her life without Mum. But back on the topic- that's why I agreed to sign Eleanor's long-term contract after you lost the baby; because I actually thought it was a nice gesture and that she was an ally.”

Harry snorted disgustedly.

“But, Harry, she lied to me. Walsh had been the one who told Eleanor you were pregnant after Natasha sold us out. He offered to pay her to pretend to be Olivia’s mother. He told her to ask me and make it look like it was her idea to make me the offer. I only found out a few years later from Gina after COUPLH introduced themselves to us. Gina knew from the beginning but she was only waiting for that promotion two years ago so she could have the power to get Eleanor's contract terminated. But even that decision had its price, as you well know."

"Babygate," Harry clipped, though still in shock.

Louis’ voice was cold as he added, “It’s sick because they got the idea for Babygate from that same deal they made with Eleanor to deal with your pregnancy.”

Harry was livid. He had no clue that Eleanor was to pose as Olivia’s mother and that that was the reason she was brought on fulltime in the first place.

Louis stared down the road and Harry tried to get back eye-contact. "Why did you not tell me all this sooner?"

Louis's head snapped back to face him, quick to reply. "Because you were lost," he gestured his hands matter-of-factly. "After our baby died you were so sad. I couldn't put back your smile. I promised myself if it's all I could do; I'd never let anything or anyone hurt you again. By the time I found out Walsh had conspired about our baby with Eleanor, you were already hurt by her presence for so long, so I didn't tell you what she did. Harry, you almost threw yourself off a balcony because you didn’t feel secure with her around. How would you have reacted if I told you the whole world was to know her as Olivia’s mother? So I didn’t tell you. Instead, I lied and told you her and Sebastian's engagement was the reason she left. But even as I tried to protect you from more heartache Babygate happened and all I did was cause a new Pandora's box to rain down on us. Gina said she thought her firing Eleanor was going to bury that whole ugly experience but then Walsh swooped in with the Briana plan.”

A group of wild party-goers tumbled out of the pub just then going their merry way and Harry jumped away from Louis to look at them in the dark. Satisfied that Ben wasn’t one of them, Harry refocused on Louis, who was looking from the entrance to him with what he knew on Louis to be jealousy.

“You know what; it wasn’t just when you were miscarrying that I wasn’t there for you. I wasn't there to stop Ben from getting his hooks into you," Louis looked Harry dead in the eyes. “I tried to keep you away from him after the fact, but you still ran back to him every chance you got. You made me watch while he roped you in and made you love him. Made you want him," Louis scowled. “I can't do that anymore, Harry. If I can't protect you from _him_ then I won't be made to watch it happen yet again."

Harry didn't know what to say. He just sat there trying to grasp it all in, feeling so berated.

Louis licked his tear-stained lips, looking at Harry's sullen profile. "I love you. And I know now I can't protect you from everything. But there is one more thing I tried to protect you from. Something I realized after hearing you sing in there I had no right to keep from you. Something you shouldn't have had to be protected from. Something I still don't have the guts to say to you myself. But I want you to know because you sang in there for our baby with so much love and so much regret. I thought by the end of this conversation I'd gain the strength to tell you but... How I wish my mum was here to tell you herself. But she's not. She's with our baby. But if you want to know what I’ve been carrying all these years, what I’ve been protecting you from, the best way is to see it for yourself."

Louis got up off the sidewalk and dusted out his jeans, and Harry guffawed. "What truth? What do you mean 'see it'?"

Harry jumped to his feet and they stood face to face. The chilly night air in the far background of their intense stares. Louis started crying again. He then grabbed Harry's face and pressed his forehead into his. Both men's eyes shut at the heat of the contact.

Forcing himself away with every will hidden from man, Louis looked and saw Harry's blue-neon-lit face tearing up and looking back at him like he was afraid this was some kind of a goodbye.

And Louis indeed smoothed the long hair for what he imagined would be the last time. Harry belonged to someone else now. He had no claim on him. "When you're ready you should go see your Mum, Harry. She misses you."

Louis took a step back, and another until he finally turned and walked away.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do not hesitate to comment. I need to know how you all took this chapter. I hope you are all okay.  
  
follow @joydific_18 on twitter for news of updates for the fic. Stay tuned.Thank you so much for reading this.  
The song Harry was singing in the pantry was Charming Man by the Smiths. It's on Louis' Kill My Mind Influences list. The song grew on me and i wanted to incorporate it in one of my fics- was gonna do it in Sometimes We Break So Beautiful with a different line from the song but I did it here instead.  
Can I have kudos? Not many people are reading this so please share the link with ur friends and in ur larrie groupchats etc. I'd be so grateful.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finally finds out the whole truth.
> 
> [Contains medical inaccuracies, grief triggers, and a happy ending]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. I hope your holidays are going the best! Wow where do I start... I hate that I promised this earlier and then didn't finish on time. I wanted it to be good enough and I wasn't prepared to let it go until I was satisfied that nothing was left unanswered. And then Christmas got in the way... You guys deserve a great last chapter and I hope this will be it. Please forgive me. I added a little epilogue to make up for the delay. Comment and please please please tell me how you feel about the conclusion.
> 
> In the previous chapters present-time is little snippets in the beginning. In this chapter you will see more of present-time to conclude the story. Hope you like the epilogue as well.

*

**June 22** **nd** **, 2018 New York**

After singing_ Meet Me in the Hallway _ Harry waved at the teens in the front row wearing rainbow colored hats and shirts, feeling proud of the generation he represented. He smiled and waved at the pride flag that was attached to a _ Black Lives Matter _ sign and the girls who held it almost caught fits at his eye-contact. He then broke in to Medicine.

_ ‘Here to take my medicine, take my medicine _

_ Treat you like a gentleman _

_ Give me that adrenaline, that adrenaline _

_ Think I’m gonna stick it in _

_ Here to take my medicine, take my medicine _

_ Rest it on your fingertips _

_ Up to your mouth, feeling it out _

_ Feeling it out _

As Harry sang the song he wrote on getting to know himself, the crowd sang along and screamed in support.

_ I had a few, got drunk on you and now I’m wasted _

_ And when I sleep I’m gonna dream of how you _

Harry let loose his sexuality in his songs even under the heterosexual narrative and the stunts now. Even under his new management, which gave him more wiggle room in his contract to do as he pleased. He was so numb to it all that he didn't even care anymore. He personally didn't label his sexuality, and said so to an interviewer. Everyone took from it what they did but really only a select few knew what he meant.

He didn't label himself because what label would he put? His intersex hermaphrodite body put him in the middle of every major sexuality and gender he could think of. He honestly answered that way because he didn’t know what to identify as. He tried acting like a heterosexual man for Modest and their stupid plans but wasn't he a man? He had a penis. He preferred growing his hair out and wearing feminine clothing and he only liked fucking men but did that make him gay? He had a pussy.

All this confusion he carried with him for years. His gay friends relayed stories of their struggles but Harry felt beside it still. He always felt like they were normal compared to him, and that to them his problem was not even serious enough to be called a problem. There were little talks about hermaphrodites. He was part of a blacklist topic that even the queerest denominations didn't know how to address. The last time he remembered it being discussed was on an episode of the_ Tyra Banks Show_ years ago. Harry used to cry thinking he had been cursed, and not knowing what he should be generally accepted as; a boy, or a girl. He felt like a freak. He wondered if there was any hermaphrodite like him who have experienced pregnancy to whatever extent. He would never wish to become pregnant again but he chose not to do surgery to take out his womb out of respect for the child it once carried. 

Harry eventually came to terms and accepted himself as part of LGBT community -after all he did have male genitals and was involved with predominantly men, so his sexuality was _'kinda gay'_\- and showed them love whenever he could. His tour was a safe place for them and for him to display his passion for the rights of every human being whatever they identified as, with TREAT PEOPLE WITH KINDNESS slogan at the helm. Although he was without a definite label on his intersex gender he was well aware of himself now and who he wanted to be. Where he wanted to be. 

\--

**June 22** **nd** **, 2018 New York**

**Louis POV**

“You’re going with me to Harry’s show. I brought a car to take us straight there.”

“Niall you must be kidding if you think I’m gonna set foot anywhere near Harry after everything.”

“Well, he sent me two tickets and I’m not going alone!”

Louis shook his head in reluctance.

“Come on! It’s VIP. No one will notice us!”

\--

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.” Louis pulled his cap down over his forehead and sat in the lush seat of Madison Square Garden VIP section, peering down at the stage. They had missed nearly half of the show but Niall insisted they were still early.

“People get in and out without being seen, Louis. Liam snuck in a concert unnoticed a couple days ago.”

Harry was closing up_ From the Dining Table _and Niall was clapping like mad. Louis was surprised there were no eyes on them. The place was hot and Louis barely heard his own voice over the fans. He summed it all up in one word- Proud. He had not seen Harry since last year, save on fan live streams following his tour from his fan account.

The crowd went quiet all of a sudden, and even from up there he saw Harry’s face get all serious and he could tell something was different about this scenario. All Harry said was he was going to do an extra song for the night and the crowd screamed louder than ever. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Kasey Musgraves.”

After hearing who was opening for Harry, Louis listened to some of her songs and found her delightful. He understood why Harry liked her.

Kasey held the mic in one hand and curtseyed elegantly, while Harry said the song was one of his personal favorites. Kasey took the lead and sang the first verse while Harry remained tight-lipped strumming his guitar and swaying to the song.

_ ‘Looks like we made it, _

_ Look how far we've come my baby _

_ We mighta took the long way _

_ We knew we'd get there someday _

_ They said, "I bet they'll never make it" _

_ But just look at us holding on _

_ We're still together still going strong.’ _

Harry joined in for the chorus and proceeded to belt out the second verse. Louis would have been moved by it if only he could actually move. He was petrified since the start of the song and unable to make a note for help.

_ {chorus}You're still the one I run to _

_ The one that I belong to _

_ You're still the one I want for life _

_ You're still the one that I love _

_ The only one I dream of… _

_ {second verse} Ain't nothin' better _

_ We beat the odds together _

_ I'm glad we didn't listen _

_ Look at what we would be missin' _

_ They said, I bet they'll never make it _

_ But just look at us holding on...’ _

As he and Kasey finished up the song, Harry kept stealing glances up at where Louis and Niall sat, and when the last strain of the song ensued he inclined his neck even further to look up at them. As soon as the song ended Louis started crying, his chest moving up and down in desperate breaths.

Niall dived into action and steadied him.

“I know Lou. I should have warned you. I knew he was gonna sing it since yesterday. I underestimated how big the song is for the two of you.”

*

**June 2012**

"I want to go home. I can't stay here."

Sitting on his mother’s lazy chair, Harry looked down at his fingers and saw twenty or was it thirty-something fingers? He didn't know. All he knew was that he wanted Louis. Wanted his smell. He wanted his softly heated skin, his bubbly laugh, his tenderness, and his roughness. His stability. That was something they shared. Whenever one of them felt sad or lonely or tired the other had always been a shoulder to lean on. He needed that now. His abdomen hurt so bad. He was not imagining it. Or was he? He did not know.

He turned to his mother again. "Call Louis. Tell him come pick me up tonight. I need to go home."

"Sweetheart you're home and you're safe."

"But I need Louis. I know you may never want me to see him again but I have to. I had a baby with him, Mum. I’m eighteen so you can’t keep me from him.”

Anne stood up and propped her hands on her hips. "I never said I was, Harry."

"Then why won't you call him?" he lashed back.

“Because I’m already here.” Harry snapped around and saw Louis standing in the foyer with a lunch bag.

Harry rushed over as fast as he could with his stitches and Louis buried his lips in his curls. Harry felt immediate calm.

“Now you can stop being rude to your mum,” Louis said with a smirk. “Mum wanted to come but the twins had this thing she had to go to. She sent you some soup.” He lifted the lunch bag.

“Let’s go to my room.” Harry grabbed his hand. “We have to talk.”

“You boys carry on. I’ll put this in the fridge until you’re ready.” Anne took the soup and ruffled Louis’ hair.

“Okay.” Louis took his hand and they went upstairs.

Louis plumped down on the bouncy bed and asked Harry, “So how are you feeling?”

“Let’s see- I have a deep cut in my abdomen and the painkillers work for a few hours and then I have to wing it until dose time. And yeah, I’m also bleeding from my vagina, so not good.”

Louis gulped, face turning white. Harry started crying at him.

“What’s wrong?” Louis took his hands and looked up at him.

“You’re going to leave me, I know.” Harry was almost indecipherable.

“What?” Louis’ face was a ball of confusion.

“I made you think that it wasn’t going to last and then it did and then just when you were okay with it, it didn’t last. I lost it. I just practically showed you what you could have had if I was a girl. How can you stay with me now?”

Louis face turned horrified. “I’m not following you. How does us losing our baby add up to me leaving you? How can you even think that!?”

“I get it if you want to walk away. I’m just a freak who pushes out dead babies. I have nothing to offer you but pain.”

With a look of disagreement Louis pulled out his phone and started searching in it. As a song started playing, he rested it on the bed and stood up to join Harry.

Harry’s eyes widened when he heard the music and he closed his eyes as Louis fingers brushed his tears away and pulled him close.

“I don’t know how to walk away from you, Love. Only towards you.” He held Harry’s shoulders and swayed gently on the spot, taking his hand for a ballroom dance.

_ “You’re still the one I want for life...” _ Louis sang with the phone, Harry’s curls getting caught up in between his fingers and Harry’s lips meeting his soft ones.

“Promise?” was all Harry could manage in his weak state. He could barely sway with his stitches and he felt he was not going to be able to stand for long but he wanted to stay in the moment for Louis.

“I promise you that I will always be here for you. I want you always. I want fifty years from now to dance with you and sing this song to you and say _ looks like we made it. Look how far we come my baby. _” He sang the last part even though that part of the song was not playing at the moment.

“What if we want a baby? What if it I can’t give you that. Or worse, what if I get pregnant again and I lose it again?”

Louis steered him to sit with him on the bed. Swallowing back a lump, Louis looked deep into his eyes. “I love you no matter what. Life can throw anything at us and you’ll still be the one for me.”

Louis then smoothed his cheeks and leaned in for a kiss.

*

**September 28th, 2017**

After his New York show, Harry was still very lost in the conversation he had with Louis the day before. He jumped on the tour bus and flung himself on the cushions where Ben was bantering with his friends, and every now and then as the vehicle moved, he nudged a tired Harry in the bicep to support his jokes. Harry smiled each time without a clue what Ben was saying. All he thought about was Louis. Not just the shock of what he said about Eleanor and the baby and all that but the way he said it. The way his eyes dimmed when they talked about Ben. Everything Louis said, as confusing as they were, Harry felt them. Every word dug into him and gnawed at his veins the entire ride.

As soon as they reached Ben’s house, he stepped off the bus, took one guilty look at it and knew he couldn’t sleep there ever again.

"I want to go home,” he said sooner than Ben took off his coat.

"To Louis," Ben dry-laughed. It was not even a question. "I knew he'd find a way to get in your head. _ Home, _ aye? That one word was all it took for you to go running back to him."

Harry agreed. It always was. "Every time Meredith drops Ruby off I can tell she still loves you from the way she looks at you. We hurt her and I don’t think we’ll ever get past that enough to all raise her together. You can’t ask me to replace her in Ruby’s life.”

“I wasn’t asking you to replace her,” Ben said quickly, but Harry cut across.

“I’m grateful for everything you have done for me and for your father’s offer to help me get pregnant again but I don’t want to. There is a strong chance I could miscarry. I never want to go through that again.

“Then we won’t. We can just be contented with Ruby.”

“But that’s what I’m trying to say. This isn’t my family. And even if it was a possibility, I can’t raise a family with you, Ben. It can’t be with you.”

Ben started nodding like he was trying to prove some point to himself. “I offered you a family. Something you can hold and cherish. Why are you turning your back on that? Why are you running back to all that pain?”

Harry knew the answer. But he couldn’t say it to Ben. The truth was he wanted all those things; a family to come home to and love and be happy with; just not with Ben. And even if he never got that he wanted whatever else there was with Louis. He loved Louis.

“After the show tomorrow I’m going to my mother’s,” Harry said with a straight face throwing Ben even more off guard. “I haven’t seen her in months,” he said, walking off to sleep in a separate bedroom.

*

**June 2012**

Louis was in the backseat of the car with his Mum on their way to Harry’s Mum’s for the baby’s funeral. He held onto the little wooden box like he was afraid someone would snatch it away.

He felt a sad sense of completion that could never be vindicated since he would never again hear her laugh or cry or call him dad. Just great- He felt complete with a dead thing. How sad is that? His life was never going to be normal- or his version of it again.

He tore his eyes away and looked up at his mother, his face crumpling into pain stricken sobs.

"What do we do with her, Mum? Do we bury her in the backyard like a puppy or burn her to a small pile of dust like she never existed? Tell me, Mum?" Louis wailed.

Jay started blabbing about the funeral and who was going to be there- Just immediate family members and the band.

"Mum, Lots of premature babies live in a tube outside of the womb, right? Why not her? Why couldn't she have a chance too? Why couldn't the doctors do more?"

"Lots of factors cause stillbirth and undeveloped foeti, dear. Harry's case was pretty open and shut. His body just couldn't bear a baby. It was a miracle he made it so far, Lou. She's like our little miracle."

Louis' sobs eased as he took comfort in her words.

"Baby, you have to be strong for Harry now. He needs you. But you have to promise me if it ever gets too much you will tell me. Don’t keep it from me again. All you have to do is tell me when life gets too hard and I’ll take over for you, okay Bear? That’s what I’m here for.”

Louis wiped his tears and promised his mother. He then refocused on the casket. Harry had been carrying her attached to his uterus for nearly six months. Months of feeling overwhelmed and hormonal and... motherly. And now the baby was detached from him forever? It may have been the only time he would ever experience something like that. The only time he wasn't alone in his body. Someone was in there with him. feeling with him. Louis knew more than anyone how significant that was for Harry. Louis knew no matter how bad his own hurt was; Harry must be feeling a thousand times worse.

So he wiped his tears, closed the lid and kissed it for the last time, determined to be strong for Harry.

\--

**June 2012- OLIVIA’S MEMORIAL**

** **

** _~What do you do when the chapter ends? Do you close the book and never read it again?~_ **

  
  


"Her body is going to feed the shrub." Harry twisted into a frown as Jay explained. All Louis' sisters, Gemma, Niall were at Anne's house for the memorial.

"That sounds so weird. What kind of shrub? Is it pretty? How ‘bout we use flowers instead!?"

Louis sighed. "The shrub is less likely to die, Harry."

"What do you mean? We can plant a year round one."

"THE PETALS WILL FALL OFF!" Louis bellowed. He slapped both hands on his mouth at his outburst. The look on Harry's face was indescribable.

"Harry, I'm sorry," he cried through his hands. "If you come out here and see fallen petals it might upset you."

"You're the one who chose to put this task on our baby,” Harry countered. “If the shrub dies she'll feel guilty for letting us down."

"We'll always know what mood she's in," Niall offered.

"I'm sorry but you guys are making this creepy," Lottie said.

"My baby isn't creepy!" Harry retorted.

"I'm so sorry, Harry," Lottie apologized as Louis pursed his lips at her.

Fizzy took Harry into a hug. "I'm really sorry, Harry. If I could I would make it all go away."

Harry relaxed in her arms. "I know, Fizzy. Thank you, doll."

"I think we should let Harry decide what he wants to plant," Jay offered.

"Thank you. We'll do flowers. If the petals fall, we'll pick them up by hand and put them back in, not sweep them. And if the flowers die we'll plant new ones. That's supposed to be the point of a planter," Harry enunciated the last word.

"I'm sure we have seeds in the shed," Anne said. "I'll be a minute."

Zayn and Liam bounced in the patio as Anne walked off to the back of the house.

"I got a sign for the planter,” Liam said, and Harry smiled.

"And I got paint!" Zayn waved a can in the air. "Just tell me what to write.”

Harry frowned as he seemed to remember something. “I haven’t written a speech for her.” He looked to Louis so dependently but Louis wasn’t in the mood to write goodbyes. He was certainly not ready to let go that drastically.

“You go ahead, Babe. I’ll help Zayn and Liam with this.” Louis replied, and Harry moseyed into the house with Niall.

Now that Harry was out of earshot Zayn spoke up. "I'm really sorry again about what happened. I wish you guys told me. I wouldn’t have said anything to anyone.”

“I know, Z, but Harry was scared to tell anyone. The only reason anyone found out is because Natasha told Simon. I swear we were gonna tell you but then Harry ended up in the hospital and…” Louis’ voice trailed off.

"And now I have to help you keep a secret from _him_ for however long..." Zayn said with an edge.

A thunder seemed to ignite in Louis. "Promise me Zayn. You have to keep quiet about the baby. Promise me," he said in a desperate slew.

Zayn shrugged and recapped the sharpie. "Relax. I don't want Harry hurt any more than you do."

Knowing how hurt Zayn was that he was the last to know and not wanting that to overcast the memorial, Liam tried to change the topic. “Niall's pretty bummed out about what happened."

"Yeah, he was there when it happened," Louis said, eyes on the blond, who was helping Harry jot down words on a writing pad.

The three boys chatted while trying to think about what to write on the wooden slate.

“To our precious little-” Zayn started to doodle on the sign.

"Olivia," Harry said barely audible. No one almost caught it as he had sneaked up on them, folded paper in hand. "She has a name. It's Olivia." He looked into Louis in the eyes as he said it, as if to ask him if he liked it but not really asking for permission.

Louis smiled, ignoring Liam’s urgent look. Olivia. He loved it. He smiled wider when it hit him why Harry chose it; It was one of his and Harry’s things- they would say ‘Olive’ to each other in public when they couldn’t say I love you in front of other people. They even tweeted it passive aggressively last year after Modest had their first talk with them about their campout together at Leeds. Olivia was a simple and sweet variation of Olive and now every time her name was uttered they'd be saying ‘I love yuh’ to her as well.

"Okay- Olivia Paris Tomlinson," Zayn enunciated, writing.

"Paris?" Harry looked at Zayn.

"I love it. Thanks, Zayn," Louis chirped, ignoring Liam’s even harder look now. "It’s a fitting middle name. If Harry likes it, that is."

"I love it," Harry breathed, a ghost of a smile there.

The formal part of the gathering began, and they all huddled around the planter.

The minute the seeds were scattered and watered, _ Tiny Dancer _ came on, and Harry started wailing. Grabbing him from collapsing to the floor Louis walked him to the patio bench.

_ ‘Now she's in me, always with me,’ _ played and Harry started wailing louder over the music.

"Make it stop, Louis. Make it stop."

Louis had not a clue if he was referring to the song or his grief. Maybe it was both. Then Harry turned and put both feet up on the bench, leaning back onto Louis' chest. Louis sighed in relief because it was the best position for crying with his stitches.

"I can't even look at her, Lou! You put her here and now I won't be able to come see my Mum anymore."

Anne clasped her mouth when she heard that. Louis tightened his grip around him.

"I didn't think about that. I'll have it taken to my mum's okay?"

_ "It?" _Harry condemned, squeezing Louis' wrist hard.

“The planter, Harry,” Louis explained.

"Then I won't be able to come see _ your _mum!"

Louis started bawling like a child now.

"AAAAHH HAAA HAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

Jay made to dart over but Liam, Zayn, and Niall got there first, all finding seats around the couple. Niall wrapped his arms around Louis and by extension Harry, Zayn slid under Harry's legs and took his hand in his grasp, and Liam got behind the bench standing and cradling everyone, while the two heartbroken boys cried their lungs out.

*

**October, 2017- Anne’s House.**

Standing on his mother’s porch with a suitcase Harry took an anxious breath and knocked.

"Harry!” Anne threw the door open and spread her arms out. After a long series of kisses and hugs and blabbing about everything under the sun, she made him a sandwich and sat with him on the sofa.

That’s when Harry finally asked. “Louis said you might have something to tell me?”

Anne’s demeanor changed from jovial to morbid. “He warned me this was coming.”

“Tell me what's going on.”

Anne gave a shuddering breath, her eyes focused on her hands in thought. She glanced at her son and let it all out. Everything that had happened from the time she arrived at the hospital to the moment he had just questioned her.

“I got to the hospital and they pulled me aside and told me you were passed out from early labor,” she said. “They told me you had to get a C-section as soon as possible. I was in the room with you when they did it. You woke up just as they were pulling her out and they had to put you under again. They took the baby away and so I followed them and asked about her. That’s when they told me she was alive but not for long because she was too early. Gina stayed in the waiting room, so she didn’t know the baby was still alive. I asked the doctors to keep it that way. Paul saw me talking to the nurses and so I briefed him about the baby. He agreed that Modest shouldn’t know, so when Jay and Louis came I pulled her aside and told her the plan. Then she took Louis to see the baby in secret.”

"You let him do that alone?"

“He had Jay with him. I had to stay with you so it didn’t look suspicious. Niall was already back and forth from your room to the infant ward.”

"And Louis kept it from me," Harry breathed, thinking of Olivia, thinking of Jay, and how painful it must be for Louis to have lost them both now.

“We all wanted to tell you the truth for years but we felt it would do more harm than good after your suicide attempt.”

"I begged you to see my baby.” He turned a dark glare on her.

"The doctors advised against it because of your C-section wound. You had lost a lot of blood, and I feared for your health. Look at it from my point of view! I didn't even know you were pregnant. I didn't even know you were capable of getting pregnant, much less to carry a child that long."

Harry swung his head away defiantly. “You told me they said she died. I'm never speaking to you again as long as I live!"

He buried his face in his hands in shock.

"Harry, I'm gonna show you something,” Anne said slowly, timidly. “Please don't freak out and don't get mad. I wanted to explain this to you so many times baby but I was afraid."

She went digging around the DVD shelf, pulling out a CD with a strip of pink tape on the casing.

She put it in and turned on the TV. Harry was faced with a giant video showcasing Niall’s head. He looked a bit younger than he was now, still had the blond hair and from the length Harry would say somewhere in 2012.

The screen quickly shifted to face a room that looked like it was in a hospital, with Elmo curtains. The camera operator who had brown hair then shifted back to Niall who had his phone out.

_ 'They just gave him a sedative and he went right to sleep,' _ Niall said handing Louis, who had just appeared in the video, the phone.

_ 'See, Baby? She's sleeping,’ _ Louis was saying to a bundle in a blanket as he showed it the phone screen. _ ‘She just had you and she needs to rest. Having a big beautiful baby like you takes a lot of energy. She loves you so much.' _

"So while I was screaming for them they were in the hospital saying goodbye without me?” Harry cast in a judgmental tone to his mother. “How could you do that to me? I don't even know you anymore."

His mother did not reply. She was staring teary-eyed at the TV with her palm clamped over her mouth, and Harry shut up, following her gaze, and looked at it some more.

He immediately saw why she was so emotional- The camera was now on _ Jay. _

"Wait!" Harry said, brows engrossed. "If Liam and Louis were there, and Niall was just in my room… and Jay's over there,” he pointed at the screen, “then who's holding the camera?"

"Gemma, Dear. She knew you'd want to see all this one day and she wasn't going to sit around and let you miss everything. She was so angry with me for withholding from you that the baby was still alive, but when she saw the condition you were in she obliged."

Harry was gathering up a new wave of scolds for his mother when he heard Louis call the child _ Paris _in the video, the middle name he thought Zayn had come up with at her memorial. Harry's heart flipped when he heard the amount of love with which Louis said it.

"He was the first to name her…" Harry realized. "He let me put Olivia as her first name. But she knew her name as Paris. Look! She's making noises when he says it! Mum, do you hear that!? She's talking to him!" He gazed at the screen in wonder, eyes wet.

"She is,” Anne smiled at the sound of the gurgles. “She's giving him a message for her mother. She's saying be happy and not to grieve for her because she's going to be in a beautiful place where she wouldn't be able to go if you and Louis didn't make her."

Quickly realizing how hard it must have been for his mother to sacrifice ever seeing or saying goodbye to her grandchild so Louis could be able to say goodbye in peace, Harry squeezed his mother's hand and tried not to make crying noises over the sound of the video.

The baby noises had died down now and Louis was only reduced to sobs now instead of talking as he swayed the child, his mouth to where Harry guessed was her forehead- he could not see from the way the camera was fumbling now with Gemma abandoning it to wipe her tears. And Harry wanted to jump into the television. He started wailing and Anne had to pause the video.

“No!” he shouted from his huddle. “Put it back on, I need to see my baby!”

_ "Louis!" _ Harry heard Niall's voice somewhere behind the camera as Anne pressed ‘play’ _ . "He's not good! He just got up from the sedative and started screaming. Anne sent for you- said don't come back without you!" _

_ "It's okay, Louis," _ Harry heard Jay mutter as she took the presumably dead child from Louis' reluctant arms. _ "I'll take it from here." _

The memory of it came back. He remembered the worst feeling he had ever felt in his life just before Louis had showed up and held him with so much warmth. He remembered his smell. It was sweet. Comforting. Like he was hugging him with empathy. But more than empathy. Something deep. He had thought at the time that it was the mutual sharing of loss. Now he knew what it was much more. He was giving Harry his baby, or whatever essence of the child was left on his skin, clothing, and embrace. They were all there for him that day giving him more support than he knew the extent off.

"He didn't want me to know he stayed with her. He didn't want me to know she stayed around long enough for him to give her a name she could answer to. He was protecting me from that pain all this time."

"Yes. And that was very painful for him, Harry,” Anne let her pointed index linger on the television. “It ate him up he couldn't talk to you about it. This is why I pushed to separate the two of you after the _ balcony _. I knew Louis needed all the help he could get to stop blaming himself for that. He wanted to tell you after you tried to jump but we all feared it would make you do it again. Jay told me Louis said he would have jumped behind you without a second thought, and I knew then I had to talk him into breaking up with you. To stop the ‘Romeo and Juliet’ you two were becoming.”

"We were married." Harry cried. “He let all this time pass and he didn’t tell me she was alive.”

“It wasn’t all his fault. We all had a part to play in you never knowing about this. We needed you to get better. First it was the c section stitches then it evolved into painkiller addictions and depression.”

"I deserved to know my baby was alive." Harry screeched out painfully, thinking of how well they barely handled everything that came their way the year after their loss. He grew boiling in anger toward his mother, his sister, all the boys in the band, even Paul who had his part in the lie too. But most of all he was mad at Louis.

*

**October 2017- Anne’s house cntd.**

“Where is he?” Gemma whispered, dread drenching her features as she took off her coat.

“He’s on the couch watching the video. He’s been looking at it for days now. I can’t get him to go outside or do anything else. I think you should talk to him.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“He loves you. He will forgive us eventually because he knows we did it out of love.”

Gemma sighed and walked into the living room like she was walking to the gallows.

“Harry, I’m so sorry,” she let out a wail when she saw the condition of her brother huddled under a grey blanket in tears. “I wanted to tell you so bad.”

Harry’s face went crooked on seeing her. 

“Gem, how could you keep that from me? You of all people,” he cried in an inaudible voice. He was too hurt to form proper range. Gemma ran and hugged him and they latched on to each other and cried until there were no tears left, Gemma blurting and gesturing about every detail of that day she could remember. She eventually steered the conversation to Louis and how heartbroken he was when Olivia stopped breathing.

Harry knew he and Louis had done as well as expected of a young couple experiencing loss of a child. They didn’t plan for her but they loved her and both missed her. Harry saw that now. He saw that no matter how hurt he was at waking up without Olivia inside him anymore, not ever getting to meet her, Louis was in much more pain having had the brief chance. They had made a mess of coping for years but Louis stayed and took care of Harry, pushing his own pain down. And then Ben came along.

Harry replayed everything Louis said on the sidewalk. How could Harry be so stupid to let Ben take his place? "I'm the one who screwed up. I screw everything up."

He thought of how Louis had to hide how broken he was over him cheating, and how seeing him in the pub with Harry after so long must have nearly killed him.

"But you're doing lots better now.” Anne had walked in and joined them. “Louis’ better now. You need to let go of the past."

Harry realized he had to set the story straight.

"Mum, you don't know the whole truth. I cheated on Louis. The reason I wanted to jump… I cheated and then I felt guilty. That’s what drove me onto that balcony. Louis would never do that to me and I did it. I hurt him. He never said anything to me like he was angry. He always blamed Ben. But it was me. I let myself be with another man."

"Ben?” Gemma put in. “You were with Ben before now?"

Harry looked at her pointedly. Her eyes widened and she looked at her mother.

Anne was jaw dropped. “How did that happen!?”

"June four years ago. At the Modest summer party. I was drunk. He was drunk."

"Harry…?” Anne admonished. “That was only a few days after Jay's wedding. How?”

Harry then told them a few details about that night and how Louis saw it as rape and how they had to keep everything a secret because of their careers and the fact that Ben had a wife at the time. He told her he was secretly dating Ben for a few months and how he ended it after his talk with Louis outside the pub.

"I did not know just how me being with Ben affected him until we talked at the pub the other night. He loved me. He still loves me. We talked and for the first time in a long time it felt like old times. Like we were 16 and 18 again and we could tell each other anything. Except this," - he pointed the remote at the TV screen - "He couldn't bring himself to tell me about this.”

“But it’s understandable,” Gemma said. “You’re with Ben now so he didn’t want to complicate your life.”

“Yeah but after seeing him I broke it off with Ben. I couldn’t stay with him after seeing just how much it hurt Louis.”

Harry then jumped up like there was fire under his seat. “Look, I gotta go. I gotta go get Louis back!"

Anne grabbed him. "No, no sweetheart. You are not. You need to back off and think about this before you go and bombard his life. Louis is doing well and trying to move forward. He's dating a nice young man and thriving under the circumstances. You going there now so soon after he saw you with Ben, will only confuse him. I know you love him. But You need to work on being a person worthy of asking Louis back."

"How do you know he's a nice guy?"

"Louis stays in touch. Called and told me he was relieved to be on speaking terms with you again but he just wants to move on."

Harry eased up and thought about it. He and Louis had something so special he knew the man would drop whatever bimbo he was dating and come back to him, but his mother was right. What would he be coming back to? Louis walked away from him for a reason. Louis who had been his rock for years even through their tumultuous on and off relationship. Louis who had sacrificed his true self so Modest would lay off a young, pregnant Harry. Louis deserved so much better than the broken clock Harry was.

“I know I still need therapy before I can be whole again but I can’t just stay away. He’s the love of my life. If he knows I still need him he’ll leave Luke and come back to me.”

Anne exchanged looks with Gemma and sighed. She knew Louis really wanted to make it work with Luke. "No, Harry. Let Louis live his life. He can't be picking up your messes anymore. You know very well that the minute you see him again you will want to argue with him for keeping the baby a secret. It won’t be good, Harry. He lost his mother. I don’t think he can take you yelling at him again at this point."

She was right. Harry would take out his rage at Louis the moment he ever saw him again. And it was so unfair that now he had to restrain himself because Louis was in way too much pain over his mother’s passing to handle it because Harry was the one who didn’t know. Harry was the one lied to all these years and was it his fault the truth came out after Jay died? Everyone’s had shifted and changed so much over the years that he now had no right to yell at them for lying to him about something he can’t change.

Jay’s face appeared on the screen and Gemma started crying again. Harry buried his mouth in his hand as it hit him Jay lied to him too. And he couldn’t even _ be _ angry with her.

"Leave it be for now until you’re better. Go to therapy. If you love someone you need to let them go."

Harry nodded in defeat. Acceptance.

*

**July 2018**

**Louis**

A breezy evening, Louis rested a pot on the stove.

He made a U-turn to the fridge and pulled out some potatoes, not knowing what he was going to do with it. Or did he?

An unexpected smile popped up on his face when the memory of the dinner he cooked for Harry at XFactor came up. The date where Harry told him his secret. Where he heard it and wanted nothing more than to grab Harry into a hug and never let him go again. Now here he was eight years later ogling over a handful of potatoes with no Harry in sight. 

He still found it hard to grasp what had happened at the concert a couple days ago. How Harry had the audacity to throw_ Still The One_ in his face now. After Anne had told Harry the truth she swore to Louis over the phone that her son was going to be alright, and in a later call she said he was not mad at Louis anymore, but he had not had a chance to meet with him face to face to know for sure. Well at least he knows now that Harry is still very much angry. Why else would he coax Niall into bringing Louis to his show just to use that song to jab at him? Louis took it as Harry saying he thought the whole thing as a lie now that he knew Louis kept an important truth from him all the while.

The potatoes were boiling and Louis was sprawled out on the couch with arms comfortable under his head. He yawned at Joan Rivers on the Fashion Police rerun thing on Television. Bruce was at Eleanor’s place and Clifford obediently at his waist. He took his IPhone out and took a picture of them together.

A knock on the door startled both him and Clifford. He dragged himself into a pair of slippers and trudged to see who it was.

His tongue almost crashed into the back of his throat when he looked at the security screen and saw who it was.

He opened the door.

"Hi." Lo and behold, it was Harry standing there in a jacket over a Hawaiian shirt and grandpa trousers, eyes painting Louis like a whimsical artist.

"Hey.” Louis was shocked the syllable even came out. Louis scanned him, eyes lingering to the hand behind his back. “Is everything alright?"

"Yes," Harry's breath flooded out. He grinned stupidly at the dog behind Louis. “You and Niall left the concert before we had a chance to talk. I came to give you back your flash drive,” Harry lifted an eyebrows and gestured for himself to be invited inside.

“Niall said you weren’t feeling well," he said, making no moves to dig around his pockets for the flash drive or reveal what was behind his back. "Are you feeling better now?”

Blinking, Louis swung the door wider and turned his back, walking into the kitchen as an unspoken invitation. Then his eyes hit the kitchen table, and he flew back around to face Harry with newfound rage.

“_Still The One _? Really? I would have sworn you had more sense than that.” Louis’ jaw was rigid and his eyes lamely attempting coldness. Harry was full of bullshit because he knew Niall would have already told him the real reason Louis left the concert.

“I’m assuming you think that was a joke?” Harry had made a step in the door, hand still behind his back.

“There are so many things I could be angry about. For instance, almost your _entire_ album is about me. But _Still the_ _One_? You had no right.” Louis' eyes were getting watery and his voice shaky.

“It was my way of saying I forgive you," Harry said, his voice surprisingly normal. "But you’re right. There is so much baggage from our relationship, I shouldn’t have opened it up and made it worse. But I missed you and I wanted to say that out loud. After listening to the songs, I took it that you still cared. That you missed me too. I should have just come and talked to you instead.” He pulled a long-stemmed light pink rose out from behind his back and held it out to Louis. “But I am here now.”

Louis froze and took quite a while to catch himself before taking it. Harry then pulled off his jacket and moved past Louis, placing it on the back of a dining chair and turning around to say, “And by the way I’m well aware I write way too many songs about you.”

Louis’ face had turned soft as he smelled the rose but it turned sour again after Harry spoke.

“Why do you do that, Harry? Why do you go back there? _Still the One, Sweet Creature_... Why do you insist on remaining in the past?” he waved the rose at him pointedly before throwing it on the table. “It’s been so fucking long since we were young hopeless romantics shacking up thinking we could make a life together.”

“So that’s how you see us? As the past? What am I to you now?”

Louis turned red. “You listened to the songs didn’t you?” he shrugged bashfully.

“Yeah...” Harry said distractedly as Clifford had walked in and started sniffing him.

“Well...? I pretty much talked about you in places. In _ Habit _.” He observed as Harry knelt to pet the dog. _ ‘Hello, you must be Clifford. I see you on Instagram. You’re so handsome.’_

Harry’s brows hit the roof of his forehead as he raised his head to look at him. “That’s what you compared me to, Lou? A fucking bad habit, like smoking?” 

“No Harry, you are not.” Louis’ voice went down a few decibels. “You’re much worse.”

Harry stood up and looked up at him long and hard, biting his tongue all the while before speaking. “I didn’t come here to fight you.”

Louis cut across. “I know why you’re here. Just give it to me.” He held out his hand. The air seemed to vacuum out as harry stood there staring at him, studying him, seeing through him. Louis had on a large sweater and a knee length jeans and somehow he felt completely naked under the sparkling green floodlight cameras.

"What am I smelling?” Harry said with furrowed brows moving further in the kitchen and ignoring Louis’ open hand. “Are you...cooking?"

Louis' mouth dropped open. He had totally forgotten about the potatoes.

"Um..." He felt so stupid to say it out loud. Especially after saying it so many times before; _ chicken wrapped in… _

Harry strode over to the stove. "Oh!" He let out all of a sudden in a way that told Louis he knew exactly what he was making without him even saying it.

He put on a dimpled smile. "Knew I was coming, did you?"

Feeling stupid, Louis dropped his head and shook it. "It's just...one of those days, you know," he said, raising his head back up with watery eyes now.

Harry smiled. "Can I help?" he asked bubbly as he strode toward the island. Harry never did wait for an answer. Harry was already in an apron.

\--

They sat at the mundane dinner table with mundane cutlery and tablecloths.

Louis kept stealing glances and pretending he wasn’t when Harry looked. Until the ninth time when he met Harry’s eyes dead center.

“Sorry for staring. It’s just that I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“I love your songs, by the way. They are so... stripped. Raw. Aren’t you afraid of people seeing that part of you?”

“No. I always said if I made an album I’d make it honest.”

“Remember when you sat with me after my first solo XFactor performance and when the pictures came out they had cut you from it? They just kept cutting you out of my life and I couldn’t take it anymore. You deserved better. I guess I told myself I was setting you free. Since we fell in love all I wanted was to walk in the sun with you, and all I ever got the chance to do was hurt you. I was not going to do it anymore.”

“That’s what I thought I was doing. Setting you free from all the shit I had to deal with from Walsh and all that.”

“I know.”

“I know it was weird listening to all those songs about you but you were the biggest part of my life. You still are. This big life we’ve been given- had anyone told me I’d be a big star 8 years ago I’d never have believed. Even less if they said It would happen with you by my side. I wanted you to be proud of me.”

"I was always proud of you Harry."

"I wondered if you liked the album."

"I do. Almost as much as I love your cooking." They exchanged pleasant grins. Louis wanted to brakes from telling Harry he had regularly gotten drunk to the songs and fell asleep to them.

The plates and spoons took over the conversation as they finished the meal and drank the cider.

"I know I didn't tell you the whole truth about our baby,” Louis put out slowly. “That when I saw her she was…” _ Still alive, _ Louis could not bring himself to say.

Harry nodded intensely at both Louis and the food. "I know. Mum told me everything last year."

Louis nodded sadly. "She told me. I figured because you never confronted me you were mad."

"I was. After seeing the video, I wanted to hunt you down and let you have it.” -Louis dry-laughed- “But I’m not mad anymore. I can't believe you did that all alone. You didn't just see her after she died like you told me in the pantry. You saw her- comforted her- before that."

Louis feared he would seize up soon. "M-me mum was there." He didn’t know what he would have done if she had not been in that hospital room with him.

"And Liam, and Niall," Harry twisted a disapproving lip. "... And Gemma." The resentment lingered a few seconds before Harry caught it and shoved it back inside.

"I wanted to tell you so many times. At first it was because we didn’t want Modest to know. Then as time went by I thought it get in the way of you moving on. You were sad for so long and I didn’t want to hurt you more by telling you she came out with not long to live. Before Mum died, she told me to tell you. That’s why I pushed you away. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you.”

Harry dropped his head. "I talk to her all the time. I cried a lot begging for an answer as to why she of all people kept it from me. That time she stayed with us she helped bring me back from whatever darkness I was in and she told me I needed to pick myself up for you. She said because she could see you drowning and she knew I was the only one you’d let save you. But then we told her about the balcony and I guess she realized we were both drowning and so she took you from me before I had the chance to make up for it. I don’t blame her. I hated myself for what I did to us. After she died I let you push me away. We would have probably gotten tangled in each other again and I knew we'd go under that time because she's the one you always ran to when I got too much for you. Now that I know about Olivia I see everything different now. I see how hard it was for everyone trying to hold me up by keeping the most tragic secret from hurting me even more.”

"Anne and Paul wanted to protect her from Walsh and Simon and Mum said she’d stay with her.” Louis said softly. “It ate up her inside that she couldn’t go see you until it was over. She-um- she held her for most of it. She was the quietest when Mum held her. 'Made a lot of noise for me and Liam."

Harry's eyes cracked into sorrow but he flicked it away as he cut his ham. "We were supposed to meet her together. Say goodbye together." He looked at Louis and failed to hide the heartbreak on his face.

Louis wanted to curse. "Trust me, Harry. You wouldn't have been able to handle it_." I still can't fucking handle it. Lots of people have babies they didn't plan for. I was one of those babies. But my mother loved me. Just like I would have loved mine. Why couldn't I get to love my baby? Why couldn't she stay? _

Harry spoke, temporarily forcing Louis out of his ranting, raging thoughts. "That's what my Mum said. I believe now it wasn’t meant to be.”

A stifling awkwardness took shift over the place, and Louis melted away back to that day. That day the sun was bright outside when Louis stuffed the half-dozen shopping bags of baby stuff in the back of his Range Rover and answered Harry's last call to him as a pregnant person.

In his mind, the only phrases that could ever get him temporary acquittal, he needed to say out loud now but not in front of the visitor.

_ She wasn't for me. She was never going to be ours. Harry's body couldn't hold her. And we knew that long before he got pregnant.… She wasn't for me… _

It was always too much to bear. But Harry in his kitchen, in his dining chair, talking about her, knowing now what he did not know before, made it suffocating. Asphyxiating.

"What was it like? What was she like?"

_ For fucks sake… _

"I know you told me she had blue eyes but what was it like to hold her? What did she smell like? Was it painful for her?"

"I'm sorry, Harry," Louis dropped his knife and fork in a loud clang. "I can't -I don't know what you want me to-" his vocal cords shut tight. The more he spoke was the more his throat hurt.

Harry lowered his cutlery in decision and looked at Louis. The action sent Louis frozen not knowing what to expect.

"Do you remember when we were in the XFactor bus and you thought I was asleep and you held my hand?" Harry said, consuming green eyes fixed on him.

Louis nodded. He remembered it like yesterday. He drew his eyebrows in confusion. "You weren't sleeping?"

"No, I wasn't. I was tightening every muscle in my face from smiling and giving it away. Your hands were so warm and full of energy. I was so scared you'd let go.” Harry leaned closer over the table. “I think that's what I've been doing the whole time we were together, and even after I gave birth. I've been holding on to your hand in the dark, afraid that you'd let go if I open my eyes and learn to stand on my own two feet. I learned that I should open them and stop stumbling and just enjoy being with you and be someone who's strong and deserving of you."

Louis gave a confused yet endeared expression.

"I guess what I'm saying is, I want another chance." Harry got out in a perfect sentence despite his racing nerves. "I've never met nor will I ever meet someone who knows me- all of me- and loves me unconditionally even when I'm horrible to them. And I know you're probably thinking 'I'm in a good place right now and Harry has no right to come here and upset me and unravel my life again,' but I'm not. I'm better. I wasn't there to help you say goodbye to our daughter but I want to be with you now in everything. I don't want to be a weak person who can't stand by your side when you need me the most."

Harry let that last part sink in for a second or two before he continued. "I'm seeing a therapist I actually like now. I can say our daughter’s name without falling apart now...Olivia. I don't drink or take drugs anymore although I still need medication for my nerves."

Louis' eyes moved all over him as though making sure all of him was okay and trying to figure out if he was lying at the same time but Harry didn't mind. It meant he still cared.

"I'm not suicidal anymore. I have a whole future that I can see now. And I want it with you."

Louis' expression was unreadable. It said surprised and flattered, hurt and sympathy all at once, and Harry caught water well up in his eyes.

"I talked to Niall and Liam and they told me you weren't seeing anyone at the moment,” Harry went on. “Am I mistaken?"

Louis blinked slowly. "No. I broke up with Luke after our last talk. We were in different places in our lives and... It was just too casual for both of us. He’s dating Calvin now."

_ “Oh.” _ Harry didn't even try to contain his relief. He spread a grin, but Louis was not reciprocating.

"So, you've told me the nice parts," Louis said, crease forming over his brows. "Now tell me the truth."

"The truth?" Harry asked.

"What's it really like for you on a daily basis."

Harry breathed deep in his diaphragm.

"Okay. I still get nightmares," he swallowed back a lump. "Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat and I don't remember them, and then sometimes they're clear. I cry out of the blue for no reason, and I hate that because it makes me feel so unsteady. See I didn't want this. I didn't want you feel sorry for me. I want you to take me back better, not unstable.

Louis shook it off dismissively. "I asked you to give me the unpolished version because life- the life you're asking for with me isn't going to be polished. We've been through things that no one should ever have to go through and I'm not fully recovered from them, and I don't think I ever will be. But you're asking me to jump in again with you and I need to know exactly what that looks like. What your daily life is actually like so I can be prepared for the bad times because if I'm gonna do this I really need to be prepared for those bad times."

"I had one glass of champagne before I came here and I swear it was just one it'll never happen again," Harry confessed, breathing out in a hurdle, inwardly ecstatic that Louis was hinting at reconciliation.

Louis gave a tiny serious smile. "It's okay, Harry. That's not _ that _ bad."

"So, is that a yes?"

"Um, no," Louis dead-toned. "I think it's only fair I tell you what you would be signing up for if you come back with me."

"It doesn't matter, I love you. I want-"

"It matters...Harry, it does matter." Louis gave a slight head tilt and bit his lip lightly, twiddling his thumbs.

"Clifford has a brother; Bruce. I walk them on the beach most mornings- my doctor says it's good for my anxiety and overall health. I still smoke, which is bad for said overall health but I can't seem to quit because like you I still get nervous and fidgety. I noticed you didn't mention that show you're doing with Ben"- Harry shut his eyes and opened his mouth to respond but- "But that's okay because guess what, I'm still _ with _ Eleanor." Louis clapped his hands once. "She and I are not 'breaking up' any time soon but neither are we going forward so I'm grateful for that. We are the most boring 'couple'. In reality we finally found something in common though- the dogs, she likes my dogs. But that annoys me because when she's in town she takes them on her evening therapy walks and cuts my time with them."

"She takes therapy?” Harry said with a disbelieving emphasis on the therapy.

"Yeah. Her relationship with Sebastian took a lot of strain because of Modest. She says if she could go back and change one thing she never would have let her dad talk her into taking this job. Not considering it's because of the job she met the guy in the first place, but she's coping," he finished with a high eyebrow.

"I still hate her so much," Harry cut in with an acutely disgusted face, making Louis sighed out a laugh which turned into the brightest smile.

"I hate her too," he agreed.

Harry took a sip of wine. "She messed with our lives."

"The only reason she’s back is because Danielle backed out and Walsh got fed-up with new beards who don’t follow the rules." Louis’ eyes caught Harry’s in a smile and the words just flew out of his mouth, "I missed you so much."

“And I missed you.” Harry's eyes twinkled.

He dropped his head to his thumbs again and blinked. "I'm gonna judge The XFactor. I stalled my album to do this last thing for Simon and then I'm gone." He looked up at Harry. "I won't have to do any of it again. But I'm still scared to death about sharing the album with the world because it's all her. All of it. Every line every chorus is about you and her-and I hope you noticed unlike you I still can't say her name without feeling like a truck fell on me." Louis’ eyes were dim now.

"It's just my name..."

"What?"

"Ben's just using my name. That was my condition to be a producer on the show, that I wouldn’t actually have to do anything or even be there."

Louis laughed. "It's a bit more than your name, Harry-"

"I know," Harry snapped. "It’s just to take a few pictures on the set but I'm not helping them with anything. I haven't even had a meeting with the main star, who's probably watching old YouTube videos of me to get in character for all I know" -Louis spread on a wide grin and wiped his nose -"I haven't even watched an episode!"

"Well, I haven't seen it, so I couldn't tell you," Louis laughed making Harry laugh out.

Harry then picked up the rose. He held it by the stem and brushed the petals on Louis' face, watching as he crumbled to pieces when it moved over his right cheek then his nose then his left eye, making him close both.

"Is it a yes now?" he groaned, reaching for Louis’ hand over the table.

With a small hesitation Louis took it and squeezed with a growing smile. "It was a yes even when it was a no." 

*

**Harry pov**

Louis rose and picked up the empty dishes, taking them to the sink while Harry put away the remaining food and fed Clifford.

“I think maybe it would do you good to talk about Olivia.”

Louis turned to face him, propping his arms on the edge of the sink. “What’s there to say? She was here and then she wasn’t.”

“Louis, you need to let it out. The pain. Your sisters told me you didn’t even cry the months after Jay died. And the last time you told me about Olivia you were still hiding the fact that she was alive from me. Now that I know, it’s okay to let it all out.”

“What are you talking about? I’m fine.”

Harry’s expression was of deep worry. “No you’re not. You conditioned yourself over the years to not cry for my sake. Louis, Jay died. You’re allowed to cry about that. But I know you won’t until I let you cry for Olivia. So please, let’s talk about our baby and cry about it. Tell me again what it was like to hold her.”

Louis face twisted up but Harry kept prompting.

“Tell me what her skin felt like. Don’t do it for me. Do it for you. I wasn’t there but I’m here now and you don’t have to carry that alone anymore.”

Louis abruptly turned to walk away and Harry grabbed him. “I know you feel guilty but I love you just as much as I did before I knew the truth. Maybe even more now if it makes sense. I forgive you. It’s time you forgive yourself.”

Louis shook his head with bitter self loathe. “I should’ve been a better boyfriend and been there instead of shopping with Eleanor. I should’ve told Simon to screw himself and not gone along with any of it. I should’ve told my mum and let her tell us what to do.”

“I know, Lou. but you got time with Olivia. More time to be there for her than I did. You got to sing to her and hold her. She went out knowing how much her father loved her. And no matter how much it hurts that she’s not here what you did for her was the most important thing a father can do, to just be there for her.”

Louis stared off, letting it sink in then seemed to snap out of it.

“Why are you not screaming at me? Why are you not mad?”

“I screamed,” Harry said matter-of-factly. “After I saw the video Gemma made. I screamed till I lost my voice, till I was so numb and sore. Till I bit my tongue. I kept zooming in and touching the TV hoping to capture...I don’t know what. I screamed at Mum. Tried screaming at Gemma but the video she made for me was playing right behind her, and how could I scream at the only person who remembered I’d want to see my baby? I screamed at the walls, in my pillow. I was angry at myself for being mad at Jay and Robin for dying before I could yell at them. And I know Robin wasn’t there but he found out eventually and he still let you all keep it from me. Like _ all of you _ just unanimously agreed to not tell me for years about my own child?

I went to Niall’s with the intention of screaming at him but he broke down as soon as he saw me and I had to comfort him instead. When I got to Liam’s I took one look at him and broke down and he had to comfort _me_. And I knew then I wasn’t mad anymore. I just saw the people who were there for my daughter when I couldn’t be. The people she knew to be her family. “

“I wanted to scream at _you_ but I couldn’t do that, because what you did was so brave and so hard, and I don’t know how I would’ve done it without falling apart. To look at her so undeveloped and small and to watch her die knowing there was nothing anyone could do to save her...I wanted to yell at you, but how could I yell at you for having the very qualities I fell in love with? You were always the brave one. Always taking charge and making the hard decisions, taking the brunt of everything for me, for everyone. You make me strong and each time I watched that video I grew stronger watching her in your arms. And I forgave you. Now I need you to forgive yourself. I need you let it out, all you want to say about that day and about her. Don’t keep it bottled up inside anymore Louis.”

“She,” Louis shut his eyes tight to stop the painful tears. “_She was so beautiful _. I can’t stop seeing her. Everywhere I go I see her. And I try so hard to block her out but I can’t. Her skin is like nothing...There’s nothing to compare it to.” Before he knew it the tears had fallen to his jawline.

Tears streamed down Harry’s face upon hearing that.

“God, I wanted more time. I wanted to bring her to you but...”

“I understand why you couldn’t. It’s okay. I made peace with that.”

“I haven’t.”

“I know. That’s what this is all about. I want to be here to help you move past it.” Harry moved closer and tilted his head in empathy. “It’s okay for you talk about her now. To me. We can share it now. I want you to be open with me about her and not have to be this brick wall when it comes to her.”

Harry’s words seemed to trigger something in Louis and he dropped to his knees hard, crying out.

“I want her back... I want her back,” he kept repeating mindlessly, body shaking. “I want the time back to take better care of you and not just wait around to see if she’d grow to term. I want to make sure she does and make sure she’s strong and healthy. I want my daughter back!”

Harry rushed and wrapped him up in his arms. “I know, Darling. I understand how that must have felt to look back into your own eyes and then lose that.” Tears were falling from Harry’s eyes as he rocked Louis but he fought to keep his voice steady for him. Harry had been the weak one for years and he was not about to do it now. Now was Louis’ turn to fall apart and let Harry hold him.

“I can’t get over how she could look so much like you and then have my eyes. I mean, she was made from us. It’s like she was _ us_.” Louis hiccoughed.

Louis cried in his arms for what must have been an hour and when he was done there wasn’t a thing about that nursery and what happened inside that Harry didn’t know. Louis revealed every detail down to the annoying smell of Niall’s cologne mixed with sweat every time he came in the room. Harry gathered it all and put it in his heart, smiling at the fact that Olivia got to know Niall- the one who was always optimistic even in the most daunting times. He even gave a tiny laugh noticing that although Zayn was mad at him all this time they still remained the only two out of the band who never got to meet the baby.

Harry moved to untangle himself from Louis but the man stiffened suddenly. Harry saw that it was because his legs were properly well cramped and numb now from kneeling so long and he helped him slowly move them again. He then steered him to the living room and made him sit on the sofa.

Louis’ face was sticky with tears and where his cheek had been rested on Harry’s shoulder was now creased from contact with his shirt. Harry smoothed his hand over it and wiped some fresh tears away. Nothing came out of Louis’ mouth now as his throat must have been sore from all the crying and talking but his deep blue eyes were focused somewhere so far inside Harry’s eyes that he felt himself shiver. He knew this look of Louis’. It was a look he got when they were so tired from doing shows and interviews and meet and greets consecutively and just wanted to go home and cuddle and make love. It was the look he was reminded of when he heard the lyrics from_ Defenceless _ \- _ ‘I’m too tired to be tough, just wanna be loved by you.’ _It was like he was looking into his soul and saying words he didn’t need to use his vocal chords for. Harry would just know Louis’s thoughts and needs.

He pulled his forehead into a kiss. “I’m right here, Lou. I’m here for you.” He peppered kisses all about his neck causing whimpers and sexy noises from the panting man. “Let me take care of you, Lou, like you've always taken care of me."

Louis moaned and heaved his chest when Harry’s lips moved down to the furthest part his t-shirt neck could stretch.

"Can I?" Harry asked, handed close to the man’s waist.

Louis nodded, still not saying a thing. Harry doubted his throat would allow him. Harry rolled up his shirt and kissed his belly up to his ribs and nipples, feeling his fingers massaging his hair.

Harry pulled back to pull his shirt off and unbutton his trousers. Louis scrambled to discard his clothes and seemed to have given up all defences, now lying flat, hands delicate like a renaissance sculpture, streaks of tears still lining his cheeks. He sniffled as Harry lifted the underside of his hips to gain better access.

He sucked him into weak pleasured groans, his gaze on Louis’ face unwavering. Louis’ hair was ruffled but not quite. His skin was tan and glowing, and his eyes glacial and dependent. He made no moves to get any lube or condoms, just laid there pliant. Harry improvised and applied his saliva with his mouth, licking him good and wet before opening him up carefully with his fingers.

Harry eased himself in, he brushed a few fingers through Louis’ hair, making him close his eyes and relax so he could get all the way in.

"Yes, Lou. You're so pretty baby. You're so tight for me. Open up for me." Harry bottomed out.

His jagged breaths blew hot on Louis’ shoulder as he found a pace they were both comfortable with. Louis made muffled noises every time Harry brushed his prostate and downright cried out when he decided to slam into it.

Harry began to sweat as he upped his stamina, face buried in the perfumed crook of Louis’ pulse throbbing neck.

Louis licked his lips and Harry felt his saliva runny with the contact. Louis let out a groan that came more from the kiss than the sex, like he was in dire need of the taste of his mouth.

The moisture from being latched between his spread toned legs brought Harry to an even more Utopian high.

They moved together slow then fast, then fast then slow, until felt himself vibrate inside him. He groaned out as he came, hot bursts filling him up, pushing in still to make sure he felt it all. Louis continued to clench and whimper and moan even though Harry was all done and soft inside him.

Harry eased out and made to lie down but Louis fastened the grip on his shoulders bring an arm around his neck and the other to touch the rim of his vagina.

Surprised by the action, Harry widened his eyes and stared into Louis’ eyes. The man was now rubbing his middle finger in the juice covering Harry’s vagina. He tried not to stiffen but it was hard not to clench his legs shut around Louis’ hand. The look in the man’s watery eyes was a renewed lust and since he had not come yet, Harry knew he wanted to satisfy himself inside him.

“Please don’t tell me we can’t. I want you.” Louis’ voice was cracked and hoarse and it had a whiny tinge that Harry felt compelled to obey. And to be honest the feel of his fingers pleasuring him was not daunting in the least.

Harry kissed him and took his hot penis, putting it inside him. He flopped down on it and sat to continue kissing him, a little tired from the previous session. He could feel every inch and breadth of his husband inside him. The heat, the throb, the pulsating want. One of the things that always kept him coming back was- Louis wanted him. Louis cared about him and loved him... for who he was. So much so he blindly carried on with a secret he thought would devastate Harry if he found out, and only allowed to be told when the blinders were off and he knew he was wrong to keep it.

In the months that Harry thought it over, his love for Louis grew even deeper knowing how strong he was to make a decision like that for his little family. Protecting Harry and the baby. Harry figured any typical guy would have run the other way when he told them he was a hermaphrodite but Louis stayed and loved him unconditionally and loved their baby, and took care of Harry long after, and even after Harry cheated and hurt him. And Harry was arrogant, so caught up in himself and his own pain.

In the video he had seen Louis cry and kiss their daughter while she breathed her last breath and refuse to let go for the nurse to take her to the morgue. Gemma even filmed Louis falling to the ground as they wrenched her from his arms, his legs caved in and his eyes puffy and red with grief.

Louis did that, and then proceeded to have a life with Harry... to marry Harry and try to move on. Knowing that now, Harry knew there was no place for anyone else in his heart, or his body. It was Louis’ by default.

Harry was going to start over and be the spouse he deserved. So he slowly thrust, hands to cheeks, lips to lips, and gave himself fully.

*

"Every time I started a new relationship I hated you," Louis said, laying in Harry's arms on the couch. They had just detached from sex and were both tired and hot. "I felt like I was cheating and I hated you so much."

"No, you love me. We love each other. It’s my fault we ended. If I had the chance to take back all of it, I would."

"You can't take back where it went wrong, because that's where we got better. The day I got you pregnant- I don't want to erase that. We were scared. It was the scariest time of our lives but we were happy weren't we?"

"Yes, I was. I was happy with her inside me. She wriggled every time we sang, and she'd stop kicking the life out of me when you came home and rubbed my belly. And it felt like…three."

Harry smoothed his hand down his arm and held his fingers, the 28 tattoo starring in front.

"Is this for her?" Harry kissed it.

Louis nodded and sniffled. “I love her so much and loved every minute of watching her grow inside you. Thank you for carrying her. She's the best thing that ever happened to me no matter how bad it hurts that we lost her. And I love you so much no matter what.”

Harry's face descended into a frown. "I've been such an asshole all this time thinking you didn't care. And you loved her so much. You even gave our baby a name. I love Paris so much."

"Yeah," Louis swallowed. "You have no idea the plans I had," a serene smile echoed in the statement. "I made so many plans."

"Tell me about them."

"Um- I thought- while you slept I kissed your belly and talked to her. I told her that if she came there would be a line of bicycles waiting for her and she could choose her favorite color. I promised her I'd never abandon her like my Dad did when I was just a baby. I'd protect her from everything. I'd protect you both. I was planning to give it all up. I was determined in my mind to leave the band so I could take care of her. You'd be the star- I'd never deprive you of that- "

Harry tilted his chin upwards. "Really, Lou!?"

"Yes. I had a plan on how we'd break the news to the label and the media if it came to that. But then came Eleanor and all the contracts and more NDAs... Still I told myself either I'd take Fizzy up on her offer to say it was her baby so no one would ask questions or I'd buy a private island and go with her and you'd spend all your free time with us. It was stupid, I know. We were up against a lot, the three of us."

"The three of us... I like that plan. I’d have gladly gone along with it. We were a little family, weren't we? While it lasted."

Louis nodded. "Harry, we were a couple of terrified kids while you were pregnant but it's like when she left she took our souls with her and left us with empty shells."

"Our baby girl had a slim chance of survival but she held on as long as she could. She really wanted to live," Harry's voice broke. He couldn't help himself. But Louis understood and held him tighter still as he continued. "I know we would have still had her if I hadn't let Eleanor get to me. If I didn't get so worked up and stressed."

"It wasn't your fault," Louis said, tired.

"I'm sorry. I know that," Harry apologized. "You know; I remember right after it happened my Mum told Jay over Skype that she was glad I carried a baby in the first place. That I got to experience that love. At that time I didn't understand what she meant. I thought she had to be barking mad to think it was a good thing to carry a baby and then lose it like that. But I realized what she was saying was that it was a good thing that we conceived a baby. I think it's time to acknowledge what she was- is- a miracle, like your mum called her. She was our little brief miracle."

"That's beautiful, Harry. She was brief but she left us with so much love. After that happened I couldn't sleep. I felt this excruciating urge to drive to Holmes Chapel and crawl under the covers with you. When you came back home I got in a few hours more of sleep next to you. Of course I'd wake up sometimes just to stroke your hair and put the back of my hand a tad over your nostrils to feel you breathing. I felt like I had to make sure you were well."

"Louis?"

"Yes Haz?"

"There is no universe I’d be a star without you. You literally held me up and held me together. Even if the world can't see it and I can't say it, you are the real star. My star."

"I think you made it pretty clear on June the twenty-second, even though I didn't get it until today."

"For your eyes only, Lou."

“Yeah, I think I know what song I wanna add to the album now.”

“What? A cover of _Still the One_?”

Louis let a sly grin creep up. “You’re getting warmer. I think I’ll do my own version and call it _ We Made It. _

Harry gave way to a bright blushing smile and Louis leaned to kiss it off his face, unapologetic.

*

After another round of lovemaking, they ended up on the sectional, the soft light of the standing lamp glowing on their moist skin. Huge hands caressing tiny shoulders as Louis lay on his side, back pressed into Harry's chest.

Then Harry tilted his head to the back and pulled the brown blanket to cover them both.

Louis relaxed in his arms. "Do you wanna go upstairs?"

"Do you want to go?"

"No, I just don't want you to think I don't want you in my bed."

Harry laughed. "This is comfortable. We can go up later, unless you don't want me to."

"I want you to," Louis said into the space. "I want you, Harry," he breathed.

"I love you, Lou bear." Harry breathed in his ear.

Louis' eyes popped open. Lou bear, rainbow bear- His mind flashed to the rough stolen moment sex backstage after they carried out the first official bear display. He pulled the string (of that one memory) loose, in turn unraveling every other memory after that- the times they laid in bed together after making love, thinking up what the bears would do next; the first time Harry told him he was part girl, changing his whole perspective on himself and on life in the process; and all the other times they ever made promises to each other and the spaces between where they laughed and cried flooding after, washing his bruised heart afresh; the way they hurt... the way they evolved in bed and as a result. The way they didn’t work. Louis was almost afraid of falling back into the same patterns. 

“Are you sure you want to do this, Harry? Are you sure you want to be in this with me again? I know you said you forgive me but what I did was big.”

“Of course I'm sure. I’m grateful you met our daughter and was there for her for whatever little time she had left. And you should believe me because I literally can't be without you any longer. I feel like I lost you too and I can't let that be true for me because you're my world. My _ compass _.” Harry referenced Louis’ compass tattoo that went with his ship tattoo, ones they got after their baby died. “Your love for me brought me home, and if you will have me I'm never leaving you again."

“My _ compass _ leads to your _ ship _ , remember?” Louis reminded him of the inspiration for the tattoos. “Just like in _ The Shawshank Redemption. _ You’re the one who leads _ me_ home.” 

“It goes both ways like it should.”

"Promise me this is it. Tell me the worst is over and we can start living the rest of our lives now, just like in the movie." Louis clutched his hand and pushed it on his chest, making Harry's weight almost crash.

Harry sat up. "I solemnly swear that I will never leave my Boo bear's side ever again for as long as we both shall live, and we will make happy memories to cherish when we're old, and we can say we made it," Harry laughed with dimples, leaning his torso into him and rubbing their foreheads.

Louis rolled his eyes and cupped Harry’s sweaty chin, pulling him back down into a kiss. He couldn't believe he was so enchanted with this person after all the shit they had been through. He was still a bit perplexed as to why Harry still wanted him, but there in his tender arms, under the moist weight of his warm chest, Louis knew his Harry had indeed finally come home.

**The end.**

**_____**

**Writing inspiration (songs)-**

**The Space Between- Dave Matthews Band**

**Chiquitita- ABBA**

**Happier(lately)- Marshmello and Bastille**

**Anything But Mine- Kenny Chesney**

**There goes My Life- Kenny Chesney 😭**

**Don’t Wanna Lose You Now- Gloria Estefan**

**Two Ghosts- Harry Styles**

**Unthinkable- Alicia Keys**

**I’ll Stand By You- Pretenders**

**Beautiful Trauma- Pink**

**...And every other song mentioned and quoted in the fic.**

*

**Epilogue/ Mid credit scene-**

Christmas the next year...

The Tomlinson family all gathered at home on Christmas eve. A quiet affair even at the height of the season, except for Donny running around the whole time, taking the ornaments off the tree and putting them to take a ride on the miniature train set. 

“Oh, no, baby, Great Grandma and your aunties already decorated the tree so perfectly. Let’s put it back, yeah?” Louis chased down the train to retrieve the ornament. Placing it back on the spot he assumed it was on the tree, he hugged his son. "You'll play with Ernie and Dory when they come tomorrow, okay?"

Lottie snapped a picture at the same time and showed them it. “What filter do you want?” she asked. 

Louis stared at the picture- Little Donny’s brown skin was cuddled in his large arms both smiling the happiest. “None. It’s perfect.” He looked to his son to see if he agreed. The boy grinned back. 

Harry came out of the kitchen just then in his Christmas apron holding a large baked turkey.

“Dinner’s ready,” he sang, placing it down. Louis’ sisters grabbed chairs where his grandparent’s and Aunts were already sat having a chat.

“Can I have cocoa puffs for dinner?” Donny said as he and Louis took a seat.

Tossing his apron and sitting next to them, Harry turned to his son. “It’s Christmas, what do you want with cocoa puffs? You have potatoes and turkey.”

Donkor Jay Tomlinson was adopted in the months after Harry and Louis got back together. It was not planned. They had chosen to go back to Ghana to see the friends they had made there in 2013, and fell in love with the four year old boy when they met him in an orphanage. Listening to what was in their hearts, they finalized the adoption paperwork and took Donny home.

But while all that was happening, Harry realized he was pregnant again (supposedly conceiving the day they made up as Harry didn’t take the pill in the months after breaking up with Ben). And trust it was not a happy discovery. They had a long, drawn out argument on whether they should get an abortion to spare themselves the pain of losing it again. Harry was ready to do it but Louis wanted to keep it, urging Harry that it was worth a try if Dr Winston was willing to help them. He said getting his father to help them even after Harry left him high and dry it was the least Ben could do after what he did taking advantage of Harry. Louis' main argument was that this was a sign that it was their second chance and that if it did not work out then at least they tried better this time.

So Harry tried.

Louis even took extra measures to make sure Eleanor didn't run into Harry as her face alone was a stress trigger, insisting there would be no stress on Harry this time.

They agreed to have appointments with Dr Winston, who was intrigued with Harry's ability to become pregnant in the first place and carry a child for as long as he did the last time. He was happy to help them, and took all the measurements in his profession to make sure Harry had a full healthy pregnancy this time.

Hiding his not-so-huge belly was easy, covering his broad androgynous torso with all the over-sized suits he wore to events and photo shoots, and baggy clothes he sported at home and about. And by the time he went to do the scheduled c-section he was spending most of his time relaxing at home with Donny, and writing his next album. The baby was kept in an incubator for a couple of weeks until the doctor was sure she was healthy enough to be taken home.

Louis’ grandma, who was now holding their eight-month-old baby girl, Darcy Robin Tomlinson, handed her to Harry. Large marble green eyes like Harry and a little button nose like Louis' she was healthy and bouncing.

“Eat your dinner, Donny.” Louis dished out some Christmas dinner for his son.

“But why can’t I have what I want at Christmas?”

“Because I say so. Now eat your carrots.”

Phoebe got up and left the table.

“Listen to Daddy, Donny.” Harry said in a less-than-stern tone and wiped the baby bottle spill off his younger daughter’s mouth.

Darcy giggled in a singsong, sucking her fingers as she sat in Harry’s arms.

Harry exchanged looks with Louis and laughed. “This is her first Christmas and she already wants to lead the caroling.”

“Daddy’s little princess is getting so big.” Louis stretched his arm over and smoothed the top of her head.

“Why can’t you be Daddy so I can have the cocoa puffs?” Donny whined to Harry over his eggnog.

“Because I’m the Mummy, that’s why.” Harry said on beat.

Louis laughed and Harry pointed at him. “Don’t say it.”

Louis rolled with laughter. “Maybe you should wear that ridiculous T-shirt again.”

“I still can’t believe Donny got a hold of my phone and posted it. How did he even know the password to my Instagram?”

Louis snickered. “Maybe you should get that quote written on your forehead or something so everyone remembers.” He tickled his son playfully. The child was still frowning.

“Blame this one here. Daisy snorted at Lottie, who was sitting close to her grandfather.She bought him an IPhone straight out of the orphanage and taught him how to pose for selfies.” 

“What? All kids need to know how to use Instagram.” She defended herself, face glued to her own.

Phoebe returned with a box of cocoa puffs and Donny went quiet. "You spoil him too much, Phoebes," Louis said in a whisper out of respect because his grandfather was talking.

“They know a whole lot more than me about smart devices; I’ll tell you that.” Grandpa Len had chimed from his end of the table.

"That's what aunties are for, Lou," Harry said to Louis in the same tone. "You should see what Gemma got him for Christmas. I don't know how we are going to get it through the door." They gave each other a warm look like 'Can you believe our life now?'

And this was it. This was their life now full of love and happiness. They kept Olivia in their hearts and did everything in their power to protect the family they had now. They had no idea so much love would find them and bless them this way. Since being showered with two beautiful children at once, Harry sometimes cries when overwhelmed by his joy. Louis spends every moment thinking about his children, learning what it is to be a good father. This was it. They made it.

Grandpa Len laid eyes on Harry. The old man sat back with his glass of wine. “Eleanor came by earlier to take Clifford and Bruce out while you were cooking up a storm in the kitchen, Harry.” he said to make conversation, recapping the day. Harry knew he was just checking to see if he was okay where her general presence was concerned.

Louis gave his grandfather a look as if to say _ ‘no, why did you tell him?’ _

Len didn’t seem to notice Louis. “She didn’t stay long but the thing is she brought this other dog with her. See, I opened one of the presents early- the slippers- and I had them by the door and that dog gone and well chewed on it.”

Louis’ grandma shook her head. “Why didn’t you whack him? Or shoo him away?” 

“I didn’t want to punish him.”

Harry jumped in, “Why didn’t you shoo the beard?”

Louis' grandmother let out a cackle from where she sat, while Lottie had her grandpa live on her Instagram. Louis noticed and made a face for her to cut it off.

"I don't know," Grandpa Len replied, eyebrows up, trying to keep a straight face.

“Well, she can do whatever the heck she wants, I don’t care.” Harry said coldly.

“She’s coming back later to drop the dogs back.” Len divulged, sipping the wine.

“Granddad, Let’s not talk about her. We have big things to celebrate, like Louis’ twenty-eighth birthday and Harry’s second album breaking a record Ed set.” Lottie grinned, looking around the table at her sisters, who all smiled.

Louis smiled proudly, digging in his plate and making sure Donny was not eating too much sugary cereal.

“You’re supposed to be playing Fine Line as we speak!” Louis’ grandma piped up.

“Later,” Lottie wormed her eyebrows mischievously with her younger sisters. 

“Thanks, I’m just grateful we get to have quiet time with the kids for the holidays. I don’t like being away from them too long. And with touring, next year will be difficult.” Harry held Darcy tight.

Louis sighed. "Yeah, but we’ll visit them every chance we get. Either one or both of us according to how our tour schedules run."

Harry looked down the table to where Louis’ sisters were all now dishing out their food, and caught eyes with one of them, her face buried in her plate. 

“_You’re _quiet,” Louis said to her, gaze following Harry’s.

The girl smiled and bit her turkey leg. “Lottie’s livestream was on,” she said through chewing.

Harry's eyes widened, now realizing it. “Thank you for doing this for us,” Harry said to her as he rubbed his baby’s soft head, “I don’t know what we’d do without you.”

The whole room smiled.

“I already told you, Harry,” the blue-eyed girl smiled back at him. “I would do _anything_ for my big brother. I was more than happy to do this for the both of you. I feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose." She took another scoop of potatoes after Phoebe passed the bowl.

"Besides,” she said with a genuine smile at Donny and Darcy, “the children and I love it in Eroda.”

*

**A special thanks to everyone who has read the fic and showed support before and after posting. **

**Don’t forget to stream We Made It and buy Walls when it comes out!**

**Lyrics to We Made It- **

**'Cause we made it**

**Underestimated**

**And always underrated**

**Now we’re saying goodbye**

**Waving to the hard times**

**Yeah, it's gonna be alright**

**Like the first time**

**Met you at your doorstep**

**Remember how it tasted**

**Looking into your eyes**

**Baby, you were still high**

**Never coming down**

**With your hand in mine**

**[Post-Chorus]**

**(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)**

**(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)**

**(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)**

**[Verse 1]**

**Oh my, I remember those nights**

**Meet you at your uni'**

**Cheap drinks, drink ’em all night**

**Staying out 'til sunrise**

**Share a single bed and tell each other what we dream about**

**Things we'd never say to someone else out loud**

**We were only kids, just tryna work it out**

**Wonder what they'd think if they could see us now, yeah**

**(chorus)'**

*****   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this so much and I will be scanning for typos and editing it to tighten the fic in the future.  
Please I want to hear from all you who have been reading from the start! Let me know all the thoughts about it! is it good enough for Kudos?  
Please try my other fics as well, I try to put the boys in the strangest dynamics to show how their love can get then through anything.  
Thank you all so much for your support. Merry Christmas and have a happy New Year! 
> 
> #Still shook that in 2019 Louis said his favorite place is Jamaica and his favorite movie is The Shawshank Redemption.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this chapter please let me know and give kudos in the little boxes on the screen while you are here.  
Please follow @Joydific_18 on Twitter for updates and new fics.


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